After packing up and moving your family over the holidays you load up your junior high student on a Friday and head to the local school district to get them signed in. The school seems great. They have all the top awards, the building is clean, administration is welcoming and kind. The Principal sets off with you and your seventh grader in tow, touring all the classes and extracurricular programs. The staff seems kind and other than a few strange looks from random kids as classes change, everything seems in order. Your child is set to start school on Monday and you are just thankful you have the weekend to prepare. Monday comes and goes by without a hitch. You ask the normal 'parent questions' that afternoon. How was your first day? What classes do you have? What did you eat for lunch? How were the other kids? You get the all too familiar nod from your preteen as they shuffle up to their room. Maybe you even have one of those children that 'talk to you'. You may get a run down of how horrible school food is, or how different the class size is from the last school, or maybe even a breakdown of who they met and what there names are. For the most part everything seems to be going smooth. Over the next couple of weeks or months you see your child happy. Finally enjoying the new school and maybe even making friends. There are good days and bad days. That is to be expected. Moving is hard on everyone. There are new jobs, new friends, a new house, and new schools. Being busy with your job, family, and life, you may or may not notice that your child is becoming a little withdrawn or sad. It is not your fault. We are a busy society. You may notice a bit of depression or your child may have completely withdrawn into their own world. You may ask a ton of questions...but you never seem to ask just the right questions. The one question that will render an explanation to the mood change. You continue on with life hoping that it is just a phase.
Two weeks later you arrive home to see fire engines, ambulances, and the local police department.
Your child is dead. A victim of bullying.
The real questions start.
When Bullying Becomes Deadly
This scenario is playing out more and more frequently these days. Kids are being bullied at school to the point that death seems the only alternative they have left. As a mother, this makes me sick. Physically ill. The thought that someone, specifically another child, could make a child so miserable that they would want to end their life is atrocious. The fact that parents, when told that their child is bullying other children, refuse to believe that their child could do that is alarming. It is unacceptable. School should be a safe place. It is an educational institution that instills knowledge and learning. Not misery. Do not get me wrong, even in my days, there were bullies. In those days you told your parents, or you settled it with an old fashioned back schoolyard butt whooping. Now I am not saying that was the correct way to handle it. And I am in no means saying that violence is the answer. But that is what happened. That is what happened and how things were handled. You were not afraid to take up for yourself for fear of going to jail, or being shot. Gone is a time where teachers can discipline as needed in school. Everything has become so messed up, for the lack of a better term, all in the name of being politically correct. Gone are the days when it was safe to walk home without fear of having something thrown at you from a moving car.
Gone are the days where school is a safe place.
I was bullied one time in school. I was the new kid. I was shorter than most of the other kids and had a funny accent. It was the third grade and a certain boy decided I was to be the punching bag for that year. One day after he completely embarrassed me on the playground I decided I had put up with enough. I walked up and punched him in the nose (kids did not carry guns and weapons to school back then. We only had our fists.) Was it the right thing to do? Probably not. I got in trouble in school and at home. But I was never picked on again. My brother, on the other hand, was bullied relentlessly as a child. From grade school into high school. I had to constantly stand up for him. Even in college there were times that I had to go up to his high school and deal with guys and girls that were horrible to him. It forever damaged him and turned him into a quiet, scared, shell of a boy. There were times that sticking up for him made my life a nightmare. By that time I was popular and never understood how he could have so many problems everyday. It would have been so much easier to just let him get tormented than to bring the attention to myself. But I stood my ground and protected him, and learned it was alright to speak up for other kids that were being mistreated. I learned that if I told enough teachers that something would be done about those kids. Even though the bullying was not happening to me it still shaped my life. I saw my brother tortured and come home broken on many days. Many afternoons crying in his room wishing to die. I hated seeing him like that. It was not right. I risked my own hind end many a time to get up and move lunch tables as a Senior to sit with him his Freshman year. It was a bold move but it worked. The bullies were no where to be seen (or heard) if I was around. Junior high and high school are just a small part of our lives but those years can shape who we become in a large way.
The responsibility of a death, or destruction of a child, caused by bullying is not something you want to carry around for the rest of your life. And it is certainly not what you want to grow up being known for.
Resources When I was growing up bullying was around. Bullying has always been around. It will never go away. But it does not have to end in death or violence. Death is not the only end result that bullying can lead to. It can lead to dropping out of school, depression, damaged adulthood, therapy, and many other issues. It can lead to many undesirable outcomes. We can try to reach a point where it is decreased. We can try to institute disciplinary measures to deal with the bullies. We can try as parents to talk to our children more. Just the simple question "Have you or your friends been picked on lately?" can go a long way. I ask this of my 6th grader at least once a week. She is open and knows that she can tell me if there are kids at school being mean to others. Be sure that your children know how you feel about bullies. Make them aware of what bullying is, and that they can tell their teachers, principals, or counselors. And as always if that does not work be sure to tell someone else, anyone else...everyone else. Be there for them and be open. Be quiet and listen to what they have to say. We are all busy. In a world of two income families, single parents, and dual homes, it is easy to become too busy and forget that even though we have been there before, and already made it out of school that times are not what they were when it was our turn. There are guns and violence in schools. And unfortunately if you look at the root problem, over half the time it stems from or is a direct result of bullying. Why are our teachers and leaders in these schools not seeing this? Why are they not doing more? Whether it is political or just our society, teachers are not able to do what they were able to do twenty years ago. When we grew up school was a place of education and discipline. You could be disrespectful at home and have no manners, but at school you said yes ma'am, please, and thank you. Teachers did not think twice about throwing a chalk filled eraser at your head. Or giving out licks. In a time when parents can no longer discipline their own children in public for fear of being labeled an 'abuser', it is no wonder that teachers are fighting a lost battle.
Get up to your schools and make yourself known to the counselors and teachers. No matter how many times you get rejected continue to talk to your preteens and teens. And above all do not be in denial. Bullies exist and bullying is prevalent. With the introduction of technology into our lives we welcome bullies right into our living rooms and homes. Keep an eye on any social sites your children visit. Talk to your school board and let them know you have a problem with what is happening to our youth. Talk to other parents. Take the chance at church, town hall meetings, or the grocery store to touch base with parents of other children and see what is being said on their end. Do not be afraid to call or go see the parent of a bully, even if that parent seems unapproachable. Sometimes what could take five minutes can mean the end to something with a much longer lasting effect. There are tons of online resources and information to read. Print it out and leave it in your bathroom or in their rooms for reading. Take an evening at dinner and read what bullying is and how they can protect themselves. Teach them it is OK to stick up for other kids. It is not tattling to inform a teacher if someone is having trouble. It is also not OK for a teacher to do nothing about it. If you are not seeing a result you would like to see, then make sure it is handled. Speak with your principal, school board, administrator and make them aware of the situation. Be proactive in your child's life and in the lives of other children.
Education is important. They deserve to not come home and kill themselves. They deserve to not think they have to bring weapons to school to defend themselves.
Children deserve to be able to go to school and not be in fear.
The responsibility of a death, or destruction of a child, caused by bullying is not something you want to carry around for the rest of your life. And it is certainly not what you want to grow up being known for.
http://www.kidpower.org
I was bullied in Junior High. It terrifies me that it'll happen to my daughter.
It's a lucky parent who actually knows what their kid is dealing with at school. Most teens share very little, and certainly not their anxieties.
I suggest checking out www.bullies2buddies.com. This is a psychologist who specializes in bullying behavior, and I have found his site exceptionally useful.
ok. first. i have to catch my breath. because not one...but TWO of my most favorite mothers left me comments. whew. hyperventilation. totally.
1. bloggess...i am so sorry! just talk to her about it and be open. and if she is anything like her awesome mom (online of course. satire and all) ...she will be fine.
2. mother...great site recommendation. thank you. i will definitely spread the word.