Just the ramblings of a crazy Mom of two beautiful girls (and YaYa to many children that I adore) navigating through my snafu'd life. This blog is my way of 'clearing the cobwebs' and trying to maintain my sanity.
I have a chaotic life full of kids, rebuilding after our house burnt, coffee, my best girls, mornings in my breezeway, blogging, a full time job, screaming kids, laundry, remodeling, Asperger's/OCD Big'K, mowing, taking the trash out, Bipolar w/psychosis and RAD Lil'K, a crazy family, more kids thrown in the mix, bad plumbing, laughing until I pee my pants, electrical malfunctions, and everything else the Big G thinks He needs to throw at me on this ride we call life, all the while trying to survive being a single mother. Because let's face it...every day that I wake up, I am outnumbered!
have you ever looked for your social security card for a few weeks and just could not remember where you put it? or your drivers liscense that you knew was in your wallet but now is gone? what about your debit card that you knew you had put on the dresser the night before? well i can tell you where they are! your social security cards are under the books on your shelf after being used for a game of 'library card'. your liscense is in the back pocket of your four year old after a game of 'going to the store to buy beeya' (beer), and your debit card is in the same four year olds zebra print purse after she was pretending to be big. if you seem to be losing things faster than you can find them i suggest you find your smallest kid and next to smallest kids and dont ask. because they will lie. just put on your saddest face and muster up a tear or just cover your eyes and wrinkle your forehead and absolutely make the saddest speech you can about how you have lost your belongings and you are thinking about calling the PO leece. give it about four to thirteen minutes and walah!! your things will start appearing. its easy as that!!
really?? who created these like cookie snatching theives?? it wasnt me!! i mean i cant say ive never stolen anything in my life. but i can say when confronted with it i either forked it over or would have gone to the grave with where it was. i mean really if youre gonna lie...lie well! and if youre gonna steal something...make sure you put it back before anyone notices!!
damn five finger freddy little cookie munchin mess makin' no after-potty wipin' buttheads!!!
never thought clifford the big red dog would sound so good! but alas...after everyone ate sammie's with chips they all laid down in the living room and got quiet. the only noise was clifford the big red dog and emily elizabeth. oh how sweet the sound of a big red stupid dog. seven kids...all quiet. for more than half an hour. are you kidding me?!?! really. from age 15 down to four. they were all quiet. and the moms got the chance to eat, without getting heartburn, take a minute to have some puter time, and no yelling, no screaming, no stop-it-dont-touch-her-keep-your-hands-to-yourself. nothing. silence. amazing. its these rare minutes...these few and far between moments...THESE are the times that i love motherhood. these are the times i see that our children arent little green monsters disguised as fleshy humans. these are the times that i know we arent, completely and totally, screwing up our kids. if they can really sit and not fight and be quiet and good and focus on something for even half an hour even with the AS, and the ADHD, and the dyslexia, even the arthritis that doesnt want your body to sit still, even with everything...peace. even now the three oldest are in the living room watching CSI. the four younger ones...i believe are in the other room with the other mother. me...sitting here drooling over warrick on csi and his beautiful eyes. my BFF who i may refer to as Onion Mom from now on is outside smoking and getting ready to take a shower. i right now am going to give up my obsession with warrick and join her.
this morning we had a great morning too. all my bestest of friends that are within a 10 mile range were here with kids and coffee. chatting and talking bout old times. i love my friends. we are all imperfect. we all have a past. but i love them. all of them. how lucky am i?? i am the luckiest woman on the earth ... today.
today was a good day. a very good day. it made my heart smile...
do you do whats easy or do you do whats right? do you continue to hide the truth or lie to keep from having to hurt the ones you love? what if the right thing hurts the ones you love? but what if its the best thing for them?
i love unconditionally. everyone. my friends, my family, their kids, their spouses. i can love them all. even when they mess up. even when they do things that arent 'right'. everyone has a past. everyone has done things that they are not proud of. that they regret. but at the end of the day when you lay your head down on your pillow there are only two people that know the truth. you and the Big G. and when you lay your head down you have to be at peace with what you did that day. i for the most part am ok at night when i drift off to sleep. i am settled in my decisions and what i did. if i am not...it will eat me up inside like a sickness and i will eventually have to come to a decision on how im going to handle it. the last two days i have been in a funk. approaching my work weekend where i never get enough sleep and am usually so tired that i am on the brink of tears for most of my 32 hour work week. and then here i am with a funk. a funk that totally halted my normal personality. and all during construction on my house. i was put into a position that had me torn. did i tell what i knew and take the chance that someone i loved would think that i was being hateful? or keep what i knew to myself and wait for that person to self destruct? at what point do you 'tattle' on someone and it be right. at what point do you discuss things with your friends and it not be gossiping. at what point is that help. at what point do you relieve some of the stress on yourself. off of your shoulders knowing that you are helping someone. i do believe that everyone has a bottom. a point at which they stop. and hit a wall that makes their life seem more important than their 'monster'. everyone has a different monster. everyone has a different wall. i had my own of both. i hit it. i recovered. im a better person. i still have some monsters. they just arent the kind that ruin families. i have quite a few people in my life right now that have monsters. i know it must be hard for them. i understand that some of these monsters are a life long battle to get over. and even after getting over them they can still haunt you and be a struggle everyday. i have friends that have gotten rid of monsters that have to fight everyday. but i have others, who have great support systems, that no matter the help and talkings and crap that happens...they just still cant lose that monster. losing their families, losing their things, possibly losing their lives...nothing. they still dont see the problem they still dont see that they are pushing the ones that love them not only away but to a breaking point. what do you do. how do you handle this without seeming like youre tattling or snitching or just being a bitch. when you still love someone how do you tell them theyre wrong? how do you make them see? before they hit that wall.
i found out today that saying the things that need to be said no matter how painful or sad, no matter how rough to swallow or rude, truly does help people. and it helps you to sleep better when you lay your head down.
to June and Juice...i love you both. unconditionally. and always will. no matter what you do. no matter how bad it gets. no matter if you lie to me. no matter if you hate me. no matter if you scream and yell and call me names. no matter if you hurt my heart. everything i do is out of love. everything i say is out of love. love for you. love for your children. love for your spouses. you both must realize what youre doing not only to yourself but to your kids and spouses and the ones that love you and want to help you. what youre doing to your life. how you are shaping your childrens future. how they will remember you. what kind of example you are setting for them. because everything youre doing is shaping the adults they will become. wake the fuck up! do what you need to do! take care of your business! take control of your lives and love the ones that love you back.
i as most moms look forward to a night out. although most of the time my 'nights out' include all the kids and just sitting at someones house and laughing till our sides hurt. tonight. i have filled my BFF obligations by purchasing, for my best friend, lawn seats at the aerosmith concert. yay me! as i sit here, at 1500, i realize that a month ago when i bought the tickets i really didnt realize i would be in the full throws of more remodeling. i have my weekend work bag packed, i have showered and gotten dressed, halfway fixed my hair, and because this is texas dont think that i will be applying any make up. i look horrible enough as it is without having base and mascara pouring down my face. this year, 2009, i have been to more concerts that i have in say...maybe close to five years. but i am enjoying myself. i always thought my 30's would be full of fun. both with the family and as an adult. my BFF is as close to family as one can get without blood relations getting in the mix. i love her. she has been sooooooo excited by our concert tonight. she has wanted to go see aerosmith since she was 12. which has been...well...a while. lol. well tonight is the night. i have felt so bad this week because she has called to try to plan things and get things nailed down as to when we are leaving and what time and yada yada. and here i have been worrying and working and so busy this week that i have not been a 'good friend' by being happy and enabling her planning. i feel horrible for this. i feel like i should have been more excited in her excitement. but yet again i have been wound up in my own issues. for this i am sorry. it just struck me how horrible i have been about this. almost as if its a burden. but i think it stems from the thought that i am having to get so much done and not enough time. im sure once we get in the car and realize, like we always do, that there are no kids, no bothers, and nothing but fun ahead i will be giddy and dumb. right now, as i sit here waiting for my hair to dry with the unruly curls that have cursed me my entire life, i just cant find the happiness. i only see the extra hours of time i am missing out on. *sigh* i have to wake up at 0400 to be at work at 0500 for a 17 hour work day. then on to four hours of sleep to go back and do another 17 hours of work on sunday. did i mention i have a job that if im sleepy or not paying attention at all i can literally kill someone?? ughhh yeah. to turn around and drive an hour home sunday exhausted to turn around and get up monday around 0800 to hang four doors and work on the kitchen. i love my house. im glad its getting done the way i want it but i just feel like my plate overfloweth. my dinner plate has turned into a buffet. sheesh.
prayer for tonight: dear lord jesus please let us be safe, no tickets (police related), safe journey there, safe trip home, good parking, short walk to the gate, awesome pictures, good deep refreshing sleep for me tonight, a GREAT ASS concert, cold beer, great T-shirts to buy, that all my work gets done at my house when i am not home, my kids to be good when my dad has them, and my BFF to have THE MOST AWESOMEST GREATEST HAPPIEST FUNNEST AMAZINGEST and on and on TIME OF HER LIFE tonight!!! and i just want to thank the big G for the ability to enjoy and afford such a treat. amen.
and again the great friend has turned rotten...how she puts up with me i will never figure it out.
did i mention that these tickets were to celebrate our 11 yr anniversary?? dont ask. ill explain that one later.
i love ya nie nie. you are my friend and soul sister. i am so happy that we are going tonight. i just havent kicked in yet. and you know that i in NO WAY regret buying these tickets or going with you. just having a moment. long day. ill be leaving my house in about thirty minutes. after i police the handywork thats happening under my carport. (control freak!)
and to everyone else...i will try to tweet away as things are happening. DAMN the iphone 3G for not having video capabilities.
ok. as of this moment i have the frame for the washroom floor in. but cant put the floor on top of it until the plumber gets here next tuesday. i didnt just have to sit there idle though! yay me. today i picked up my counter tops, my sink, my faucet, four new solid wood pine doors, four door knobs, the stain and poly for the doors...i think thats is. so hopefully by tuesday my kitchen should be installed and ready to be plumbed. then my washroom can be plumbed and we can finish with the walls. yay me! i just hope its all done by august 8th. when im having my party. all i have to do now is make sure the floor will go well with the new countertops and then get a few opinions on which backsplash to put up. all of this remodeling is really stressing me out. and to top it off none of my laundry is done. i have nothing to wear to work this weekend. and i have to leave early tmw to head out to the aerosmith concert (which im not complaining about) however it cuts down my time tmw. and then i have to work. bleck. anyways. just thought i would rant a bit...
in light of whats been going on in my universe both in the last week and in the last 11 years that i have been a mother...i have had to ask myself the question...is there a point that you quit fighting for what/who you love?
in my life there are some things that i think i truly loved that i let go without much of a fight. in some of those situations i really didnt have a choice. nature took over. or the big G decided i needed to head in another path. or things just didnt add up. and i had to let go of something that i didnt want to.
one thing i have to say i would never give up fighting for is my right as a mother. other things are: my children. my family. my closest friends. people that have made an impact on my life in a significant way.
in this drive to hold on to things. i have a bad habit of taking on 'causes'. people that arent as...worldly as i am. and thats not meant to sound conceited. some people freeze up in situations. some people cant think straight when confronted. people that cant get the right words out at the right time. or play the game when you dont lose but dont have to lie to win. i unfortunately have talents. they have served me well. i have friends and family that can figure these things out. but i also have friends and family that arent. right now i have someone that i feel is going to lose some very important things. she gets upset, intimidated, frustrated. and then just gives up. i am trying to help her. as much as i can. i know how to fight for what she needs to be fighting for. but i cant make her. i can only talk to her and help her. if she heeds it good. if not she will lose it. i have thought about this and thought about this and thought about this. and i have come to the conclusion that all i can do is talk. and hope she listens. tmw will be the day. i hope that the big G is with her. and helps her hear me. and understand.
there is also someone that i want to fight for in my life. a guy. i have been trying to fight for a few years. i have known him for a while. and have grown to like him. a lot. but things just keep getting in the way. i think hes someone worth fighting for. like i feel he will play a part in my life. but we will see. i wont give him a name yet. maybe in a few posts. i need to think of a good name for him. until then he will remain anonymous.
sometimes life turns you upside down so you can learn to live right side up...
well as most of my friends know i have been in the midst of remodeling since i moved back in. we have gotten updated appliances in the kitchen, new paint on almost every wall, most of my furniture moved in, new light fixtures in most of the rooms, and a gutted totally redone bathroom. today was 'door' day. Fixer J (an old friend) hung three of my doors. they were bi-fold doors hung to open in the middle. now let me preface this by saying that NONE of my doors are 'normal' meaning they are anywhere between 30 and 32 1/4 inches. which when you are dealing with hollow doors is a pain. he did well. none of the doors are any more crooked than my house is. yay for 1940's building. we have two more to hang and then on to closing in the side porch as a laundry room. after that we still have floors to put down, a carport to fix, vent hood to hang, island to build, another coat of paint in the dining room, a backsplash to tile, two ceilings to stomp out and repaint, a TON of trim to put down...i think that may be all. but it seems the list is never ending.
growing up it seemed like we were always remodeling. that being said i have no idea how my parents managed to stay married, out of the poor house, or alive. i have only been at it for maybe six months and im already getting the acid taste in my mouth everytime i write a check to Lowe's or look at a box of nails.
as i sit here and look at my bathroom door i am reminded how lucky i am to at least be able to afford to do these chores. and i know that eventually the house will fulfill its purpose and win over my heart with is great appraisal that i am killing myself working towards. at that point i will be able to reap the rewards with my bank worth of equity.
Just a mom of two kids. Big K and Lil K. Who make me loco on a daily basis. I have a ton of other kids that call me 'YaYa'. They are my 'stray cats' as my great aunt refers to them. Once you start feeding them they won't go away...and apparently i'm a great cook!
The things I say will not always make sense. I am funny. I am sarcastic. I am educated. (Sometimes I forget this and the ghettoredneckcoonass comes out. I cannot help it. Hushitup!) I am a smartass. I do not sleep a lot. I may be off color at times. I am also harmless. You may not get my style and that is not my fault. This blog is not meant to be anything other than my thoughts. What I say belongs to me and at the end of the day...it's just words. Get over yourself. If you are offended, go away. You have been warned...