well here i am. sitting in my blue chair. in front of my laptop. listening to pearl jam on my iPhone.




I have loved Pearl Jam since ... well ... since I first heard Eddie Vedder's beautiful voice.  Probably high school. By college I was so infatuated with Pearl Jam that I owned every CD ever released. I even ordered some released in the UK. I love their original stuff but some of their best songs were covers. I am not sure if being loved for being a great cover band is a good thing.  But their cover of "Sister" was awesome. One of my favorite songs they did. I do like the original too. But E.V.'s voice just adds something to songs that other people cannot capture. Like 'Crazy Mary' 'Masters Of War' 'Yellow Ledbetter' and 'Last Kiss'. I have so many PJ favorites. But yes, most of them are covers. I am going to have to make a point of seeing them.  One day. It is what it is. So I sit here and listen to one of my favorite bands and type.

There has been so much in my head lately. Not all of it good. But a lot none the less. I have been having trouble trying to post.  Everything keeps coming out so dark. And I do not like that. I want to be happy and funny and crazy. I guess we cannot be like that all the time though. I have had trouble being like that at all lately.  So Pearl Jam is here to soothe me. It does that. I just realized that I am using capitalization. Humph. I rarely do that. Wow, I must really be off! Lol. Ok. This was not meant to be a post about PJ. It is just what I am listening to. Alrightythen. Let's get some of this out of my head shall we? Oh, this will be a long post. So, ya know, maybe take a day or two to read. Or not. Either way. It will be long. Just trying to warn ya.






i am having surgery tomorrow. to remove a tumor. or nodule. or lump. or whatever you prefer to call it. it is something. and it is growing on my thyroid. and tomorrow it comes out. i trust my doctor. that is why i picked him. he is great. has done work on both my girls. and i am going to be at my hospital. so i know i will be ok. the BFF is gonna be there with me. and i think my Lil'Bro will too. so that will be good. i just always get nervous right before surgery. i do not respond well to anesthesia. go figure. so it just gets me all nervous inside. all reflective. and thinking bout my girls. i usually rewrite my will about this time. already done. yeah. psychotic a little? nah. not much. just a hair. it is just a really long hair. so i have tried to not scream as much today. or worry about the dumb things. talk sweeter. be nicer. that kind of stuff. just in case ya know. but everything will be fine. and then in two weeks i will have another surgery. on Lil'Bros birthday. oh joy. he will love that. oh, he is here by the way. he has moved closer. into Texas. i know. i am happy. it is awesome. i hope it will end up being a good move for him. it is for me. cause he is closer. and i can take care of him. although he does not want me to. what can he do? i am older. and bossier. yay for being the big sister.

speaking of big sisters. Big'K has been having some trouble lately. i do not know if it is the flux of hormones or that she just does not like her life right now. i try to get her to talk to me. she just says she does not hate me. and just kinda wants to be alone. she has always been like that. i was like that. and i hated it when my parents badgered me about it. it drove me nuts. nuts i say. so i try to give her distance. i just hope i am not making the wrong choice. Lil'K has been a little crazy lately. whats new. nothing. i just keep waiting for that age. the one that she quits being nuts. ya know? it will never come. she is too much her mother. i will just have to deal.

there are gonna be big changes coming here soon. not to the blog of course. to me. my life. i will post more when i figure it all out. i have to do something different. for me. for the family.  for all of us. i can tell you it will start first and foremost after these surgeries getting into a better frame of mind. i hate being all hooberdooed. i need to enjoy things. i want to enjoy everything. this is it ya know. one life. thats it. and i hate to think i have spent most of it miserable. that would suck. and i do not think that is how it is meant to be spent. i need to make a mark. my mark. on the world. i just have not figured out what that mark is yet. so there will be changes.

blogging...ok. i love blogging. i think it is a great outlet. even if sometimes people really do not want to hear what you have to say. i think it is healing. i do not think there needs to be a 'format' and i think people who complain about what other people have to say is ridiculous. ya know what? SHUT UP! how about that. people can write what they want. now...if it is damaging. i.e. death, dismemberment, terroristic. ok i get that part. but just normal run of the mill this is how i feel stuff. who cares? does it hurt you? no. it is just someone elses opinion. and they deserve to be able to say it. i think the media getting all up in everyones blog business is just ...well ... and overstepping on their part. i will write what i wanna write. if it bothers you...there is a box with an X in it. use it. and as far as the media getting into everyones business. and facebook. and blogs. and live journals. and all of that... GET THE F OUT! sometimes these things are made public because of death. or they strike a chord with people. ok good. ya know what? be positive media. that is your job. to help us to see, hear, understand things that are going on. not to bash everyone. or everything. or be so damned negative all the time. i do not even watch t.v. anymore. i mean do not get me wrong, i log on and watch my shows. but the news has gotten so...mean. i get that the world is more viral. and there are bad things out there. i would challenge a news station to only cover positive events for one week. and i could almost bet their numbers would increase. because i do believe that humanity is getting sick of the depressing crap. i know i am. and i wish they would get off the bloggers. quit turning us into monsters. or people that start crap. if you wanna highlight something positive go for it. but if not find something else to do.

hmmmm what else?

OH blogher 10 is coming in a few short months. wow. i know. crazy huh.  the BFF and i are attending. it will be our first one. we are super excited. i am for sure. we have managed to get the tickets, flight, and hotel paid for. we only need our spending money and cab money and that kind of stuff. i mean, not only do we get to have a 'four day no kid just the two of us in new york meeting the bloggess talking and visiting and people that conversate (hushitup i know it is not a word) about things that matter and being around other adults with adult beverages and a huge comfy king bed and did i mention new york trip' but we will be learning stuff. and that will be awesome. did i mention meeting the bloggess? yeah. i know. awesome. i just hope she does not think i am a doucecanoe. that would suck. really. so yeah. we are getting more and more excited. we have registered for the after hours parties and are starting to plan out our clothes and what we want to do. there will also be a good showing from the Macaroni Kid group there. so that is awesome also. i am excited to meet a lot of those women. do you not know what it is? well ask me! i love it. (thank you to the BFF for our newsletter. she puts out a humdinger every week. and i am grateful she does.)

speaking of the BFF. and yeah. i will link her every time i mention her. so click on it. and go meet her. read some of her stuff. she is awesome. or mighty really. she is The Mighty One in our family. she is awesome. she keeps me alive. and happy. and sane. or as sane as i can be. i love her. and do not know what i would do without her. it is not very often that you find someone in life that compliments you. i found her. as an adult. i will have to post that story one day. we are totally different. yet we are 'one brain in two bodies'. matter of fact, i showed up at her house yesterday a.m. after waking up way too early, and low and behold, we were wearing the same thing. yep. we did. and we went to town like that. and the funny thing is that it was a color blue that we do not either wear often. i do not even know when the last time i had that color on. her either. it was funny. the sad thing was, we were in the store and a lesbian couple walked by and the 'buffer' of the two said to the other one 'oh well now that is ridiculous. they need to tone it down with the matching shirts' i thought it was hilarious. everyone things we are a couple. eh. whatever. we thought it was funny. we had a good day. we were both exhausted by the time we got home. but i managed to make it till 7 p.m. i know! i was impressed too.

anyways. i guess that is all that wants to come out for a bit. i may post again this afternoon. right now i have to run up to the high school and bring a class ring that Big'K and Big'R found up to the office. and then go visit  my great aunt. and hopefully spend a great evening with the girls.

so yeah. for now...my rant is over. i know you are all happy. please feel free to resume your normal lives.

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