Just the ramblings of a crazy Mom of two beautiful girls (and YaYa to many children that I adore) navigating through my snafu'd life. This blog is my way of 'clearing the cobwebs' and trying to maintain my sanity.
I have a chaotic life full of kids, rebuilding after our house burnt, coffee, my best girls, mornings in my breezeway, blogging, a full time job, screaming kids, laundry, remodeling, Asperger's/OCD Big'K, mowing, taking the trash out, Bipolar w/psychosis and RAD Lil'K, a crazy family, more kids thrown in the mix, bad plumbing, laughing until I pee my pants, electrical malfunctions, and everything else the Big G thinks He needs to throw at me on this ride we call life, all the while trying to survive being a single mother. Because let's face it...every day that I wake up, I am outnumbered!
i call this a disease. and it is. she is sick. but not sick where you can see it. she is sick on the inside. and sometimes the illness you cannot see is worse than the one you can.
today was supposed to be a good day. it is friday after all. payday friday at that. and friday for us means a trip to the bookstore. payday friday means getting a book at the bookstore. and usually eating out. plus just in general fun hanging with the BFF and the rest of the littles. we love fridays. i live for them. they are a break. and fun. and who can resist books really? it started out a little different than our other fridays. the plumber stopped by. at 7:30 in the morning. so mom had to be up early. cause really, i need the plumber to come back. so it was important that i was dressed and had my teeth brushed, lest he not return to complete the work. Lil'K was up early too. but she had her meds. and we have learned in the last few months. early meds mean a happier family. after he left we all showered and hit the town. the car was cleaned out before we left by Big'K and Lil'K even helped. i could tell already...this was going to be a great friday indeed. that thought alone should have been my warning. we loaded up and hit the free car vacuum down the road. got the car vacuumed pretty well. until we all thought we would die of heat exhaustion/sweating too much. this is texas by the way. and it is july after all. Lil'K was already starting to talk about food. no worries. we were going to get the oil changed and then head to eat. have i not mentioned what happens when she gets hungry? ah. ok. well let me explain. Lil'K + hungry - fast enough response by mom = FULL ON PSYCHOSIS. yep. it does. always has. and today would be no exception. we were barely making it pulling into the restaurant parking lot. the proverbial 'food to belly' countdown was on. and we were running out of time. this lunch was special. the case worker from Lil'K doctor was meeting us there. party of the observations they do on children with mental illness. and i had to get her fed. pronto. prior to the case worker getting there. it was crucial. Big G was on our side and the food hit the belly before the case worker made it to the table.
i had not wanted to meet the case worker. i usually keep them at bay with phone calls. why? because Lil'K does not do well with strangers. specifically strangers that are there for her. that have questions. and expect answers. luckily the case worker could tell things were going south when Big'K excused herself with Lil'K and headed to the bathroom. when they came back the biggest was carrying a teary eyed little. and the case worker was smart enough to realize this was her exit stage left.
the mood improved as we hit the book store. books were bought and it was time to meet up with the BFF at the other less favorite bookstore that we are forced to go to because our favorite one no longer has chairs. things were still going good. we all had a great time. the momma's got to visit and the littles got to run around and have fun. Lil'K was starting to get hungry so we decided it was time to head to eat. we chose a local pizza buffet that is cheap. walking in BFF gave the three littlest five quarters. this is where it all began.
this is where this
ended in this
you see our local pizza buffet only takes tokens. and the token machine only took quarters. but as luck would have it a couple of machines took the quarters anyway. Lil'R and Mid'K spent their quarters a little wiser. and ended up with trinkets. Lil'K however did not. and this started the beginning of the end. in her frustration she did what she has done the last two times. she purposely peed in her pants. ruining the rest of our evening. to make a long story a little shorter this was the point that her and i had to head home. because she was full scale meltdown. reference picture above. on the way home she was very remorseful. as she always is after she calms down and realizes the fault is hers. these are the moments that are so hard for me as the parent. as the mom. she cycles so rapidly that we cannot plan for anything. days that we think are going to be great end in disaster. and when you think it is going to be horrible we are surprised and have a wonderful day. this is where the mom in me wants to take it away. wants to fix it. but at the same time is angry. and just wants it to stop. does not understand why. why can she not see that if she would just keep it under control everything would be fine. why can she not see that she is what is standing in her way.
she is sick. but just on the inside. and when others see her version of ill come out it makes me look like a bad mother. and that is one of the most horrible parts of this illness. because people do not see a sick child. because she looks fine. they see an out of control child. and a mother that is doing nothing. they do not understand though. if a child has asthma you do not spray chemicals or make them dust. it makes their illness worse. when a child is bipolar you do not engage. it makes them worse. it is a special disease. it is invisible. except for when it is not. and even then it is misunderstood. or hard to understand. either way...it is our life. one that we struggle through.
i have been thinking a lot about my blog. lately, with all of the hooplah at the house, i have not been as good about blogging. but i would like to get out there more. you see, i never set out with the intent of a huge follower base. i just set out to write. i am very thankful for the three people that read and comment (ok ok there are more), but my main reason for being here was just to be. to get things out of my head. to talk it out. even if it is just out in the internets. and i enjoy it. i have been trying to decide if i want to upgrade. do i want to stay here on blogger or move to wordpress. i know either way i go, i want to get away from the me.someoneelse.com and more to just me.com. i think that is a natural progression. with growing comes more readers. and i know that also. the problem is what i write is not always happy. and i do try to be nice. but sometimes i can rant. i also have been more open about my children and their issues. my issues. emotions. and just tons of other things that say...my family...does not want/need to hear. once you go big, you go big. which would mean i think i would actually start putting my blog out there. and that makes me a tad nervous. so for now i am holding off. and just mulling it over. if i decide to head to wordpress i would miss my followers here and the ease of posting. but i feel there are a ton more options on the wp end. i am so rooted in google. i have so much other behind the scenes other than my blog tied up into google. so i really do hate to leave. i am just not sure where to turn on the blog front.
my brain says right now stay where i am. upgrade within google. and go from there. but the 'i want my stuff to grow' says head to word press. have you moved? did you make a huge blog switch? what was your motivation?
mid life crisis. i think that is the point in your life where you realize you have to be an adult. and there is no going back. no being a kid. and honestly there has not been any resemblance of kid left for quite a while. the day to day has gotten to you. the job, the bills, the kids, the spouse...life. it has a way of getting to you. moving through you. when you are a kid you try so hard to be grown. count down the days to being 13. being a teen. then 16. driving. then 18. graduating. you try so hard to get there. cannot wait. each day like a sentence in prison. and you cannot wait to be free. and then suddenly you are. free. or so you think. but you are not really. everything that you thought was bad and could not wait to end...those were actually the good times. but they are over. and now...adulthood. those awesome times you could not await. the lucky ones have had a great childhood. filled with love. and kindness. for others...well the end of childhood signals freedom from horrible things. but this is not a post for that. this is about those who make it through for the most part unscathed. and it is time for growth. for forward movement. for some it is time for work. others head off to college. the military. going abroad. the options are endless. all you have to do is make a choice. each year there are more choices. you do what you think is the best. you make the choices that seem to fit. and then next thing you know it happens. it all catches up. maybe all those choices were the best options. maybe they were not. either way you begin to feel like it is all over. when the house and kids and decisions weigh in on you. when the burden starts to become heavy. whether you have a great life. or a crappy one. whether you are rich or poor. none of that matters when your shoulders start to bend under the pressure.
my MLC happened in the beginning of my 30's. the dreaded thirtieth birthday. was not a big deal for me. so many people have it as a milestone. one that brings distress. not me. i was happy to finally be 30. in my family that means you are grown. you no longer have to sit at the kids table during the holidays. i was happy to be 30. but for me it was filled with distress of another sort. i was suffering from post partum depression. it had me by the throat. and the mind. it was taking over. and then it happened. my MLC. i was an adult. i was a single mother with two children. i had bills. and all of a sudden i had realized. i was in over my head. and my shoulders bent a little too much. i broke. i had broken the same way a couple of years after Big'K was born. i guess i just was tired of all the responsibility. i think that is why men buy fast cars. to escape without actually going anywhere. maybe that is why people stray from their marriages. for the thrill. for something out of the normal. for the escape. it took me a long time to get my escape. my escape was not a fast car or a stray. it was last year. it was that twentieth year. can you have three midlife crisis'? when does that stop? i think it stops when you finally heal. when you are out of crisis. i think for everyone that is something different. for me it was that year. and something snapped. in a good way. it was fixed. the PPD is no longer kicking me in the ass daily. the grief that i had carried for so long had started to slough off a layer at a time. like an onion. i was starting to peel away. layers at a time. but underneath...there was not an onion core. there are pieces of something better. an apple. or strawberry. or kiwi. or hell maybe a lemon. i am not sure. there are so many colors showing through. so many textures coming to light.
with all the change something strange has happened. i would say fourth time is a charm...but this is not a crisis. things have changed. i am still a mother. i still have bills. things are not always good. but that is ok. Big'K will start high school at the end of summer. my child with more acronyms than letters in her name. my child that is so awkward socially will head to the mecca of social issues. high school. my child with no organization. will head to term papers and tons of homework. the one that does not care if she stinks or if her ass crack shows. will head to the root of all 'stick-out-in-a-crowd' evil. what do i do? do i let her homeschool herself through high school so that i can hide her from that? do i hold her close and keep her safe? my heart aches. Lil'K will head to second grade. at a school that i am not sure can handle or contain her. my little stick of dynamite in a bubble gum wrapper. my child who rapid cycles so quickly between happy and rage. second grade where kids start to find lifelong friends. where strange things set you apart. weird actions can begin to determine your status. where kids get labeled weird and strange and crazy. what do i do? do i move to find a therapeutic day school that can suit her? my heart aches. i am 36 and have done the same job since 1996. but i can no longer work in that job because i am not degreed or certified. approaching 40 i will have to change careers if i plan on ever making enough money for us to survive. to live. what do i do? move? pick up everything and change? jobs? homes? latitude? my heart aches.
even with the ache. even with the pain. everything will be ok. because this is life. this life that we think bends us till we break. this is what it is. it is pain. it is joy. it is more importantly finding the joy midst the pain. not being scared. releasing the fear. people in this life that are happy...that walk around with a smile. that is their secret. they have released the fear. they have accepted. and now...i find myself in the middle of it. another step.
my mid life acceptance.
i will accept that things are not always fun. or happy. or even sane. i will accept that there will be pain. but i will try to find the joy. i will accept that sometimes people need a change in latitude. to fix their attitude. and that very well may be what ends up happening.
Just a mom of two kids. Big K and Lil K. Who make me loco on a daily basis. I have a ton of other kids that call me 'YaYa'. They are my 'stray cats' as my great aunt refers to them. Once you start feeding them they won't go away...and apparently i'm a great cook!
The things I say will not always make sense. I am funny. I am sarcastic. I am educated. (Sometimes I forget this and the ghettoredneckcoonass comes out. I cannot help it. Hushitup!) I am a smartass. I do not sleep a lot. I may be off color at times. I am also harmless. You may not get my style and that is not my fault. This blog is not meant to be anything other than my thoughts. What I say belongs to me and at the end of the day...it's just words. Get over yourself. If you are offended, go away. You have been warned...