yesterday she asked me, so innocently
"mom, what was i born to do?"
she was so serious. i asked her what she meant and she just repeated herself
"mom, what was i born TO DO?"
she was so serious. this little five year old who seems wise beyond her years was asking such a profound question. a question that i am sure many adults still ask themselves daily. i had no idea how to answer her. such innocence in her voice. but such a huge question.
of course, being the mom that i am, i played it off. ummm grow up? go to school? live? be a little sister? learn everyday? be my baby?
nope. she was not satisfied. and again asked the question
"MOM, what was i born to do??"
so much urgency. like time was running out. like she just HAD to have it figured out...ya know...before she was all old and time was up. and being the impatient child she is i told her i was not quite sure. she was disappointed. i always have answers. and she wanted to know why i could not answer her question. when i asked her to be a little more specific i got a deeper look into how her mind works. i told her i would think on it and let her know tomorrow. that satisfied her for the moment.
my daughters are two totally different people. so much like me but in two separate ways. let me explain a little.
Big'K. my shiny happy. the normal things do not bother her. bullying, picking on, being made fun of. that does not register with her. she does not understand. personal hygiene, eh well we are working on that one. smart as Einstein this one. she wants to be a forensic pathologist. or a medical examiner. yeah. since she was 9. who wants to be those at 9? hell who even knows what those are at 9? i did not. i wanted to be a veterinarian at that age. till i saw my horse go to one. and that was over. (another post for another time). but this one. she thinks so....logically. but common sense? a-HA. nope. none. i recently found out she falls. at school. ALL. THE. TIME. like at least once a week. i would have been mortified. in front of everyone. instant death for me. i would have been embarrassed to hell and back. her? nope. she laughs and just keeps going on about her business. she loves me but has a hard time showing emotion. she is in the 6th grade and has just started learning how to have friends and connect with her peers. she has breakdowns. and meltdowns. and forgets how to tie her shoes. the simple things baffle her. things that we do everyday are hard for her to grasp. carrying on a conversation is difficult. she talks. and tells stories. but forgets to engage the other person. when she hits on a subject she loves she is so passionate. when her little sister pisses her off she is ready to go into orbit. but will cry if i raise my voice at her. or give her a lecture. she acts out physically if she cannot handle her feelings. when they become too overwhelming. it is like her body just does not understand. and her primal instincts take over. her vocabulary is large. but her handwriting sucks. bad. i mean it is horrible. like PhD horrible. but i guess that is a good thing. her sense of humor is huge. but dry. she is so special. my big girl. i know what is wrong with her. i get it. i see it. but i do not care. i love her. but she is so different from her sister.
Lil'K is me. all. over. again. but worse. i know my mother is up there....looking down. laughing her ass off. and then crying with me. she has the temper i do now. in a little body. she thinks she hung the moon. partly my fault. has an attitude as big as texas. loves pink. does not take crap off of anybody. gives her sister a run for her money. has a take charge attitude. smart as a whip. common sense out the ying yang. type-A personality. take charge. i cannot wait until she starts school. i just really think it is going to make so much difference. she loves to learn. and she is a people person. she needs friends. she can be so helpful. and then the next minute throw herself on the floor in a tantrum. a mother of all tantrums. psychotic. (she gets it from her father. hushitup! lol.) she is such a thinker. a free thinker. like me. she will never be satisfied with her life. ever. like me. she is not scared of much. will take off running down the road. barefooted. to meet a stranger. yeah scary for me. i know. has no problem speaking her mind. hates her curly hair. she is the wisest five year old i have ever met. and funny too.
Lil'K's responses: like what i wanna do that i haven't been. it's when you are supposed to grow up and help someone. see. when you are a baby...you know what you are going to do. when you be a lady.
she then preceded to tell me what some of our family 'was born to do'. kids. people that have not grown up. and what she thinks they are going to become. she seemed to have it all figured out. this little five year old. it almost made me wonder if she had an inside track with Big G. does she know things? has she seen things? how is she so smart? why does she ponder so deeply? what makes her think of these things?
my children are so special. to me. and well sometimes short bus special too. but those moments come and go. they are resilient. they have seen tragedy. and heartache. and cut off electricity. and no water. they have seen me try my hardest to completely screw them up. and try even harder to make it right. our life is never normal. it is never uncomplicated. it is a hot mess. and that is honest. they have suffered through my weird work schedules. my rants. and raves. and smiles. and laughs. and craziness. my upturned world. and they still love me. and are so smart. and they make me so proud. but it makes me wonder....what was i born to do? i always feel like theres something larger i am supposed to be doing. like i am missing something. am i? am i just not seeing it? because i am never happy with life. thats what i get for being such a free-thinking-type-A-controlling-crazy-weird-happy-over thinking-over analyzing- constantly-questioning person. hey...at least i know where my faults are. most of them anyways.
so my Lil'K made me think. made me really take a step back and look at what is important to me. and my family. make me think if this is where i am supposed to be. what i was born to do. i am 34 and still not sure. and she is needing to already have it figured out.
this morning i asked her again what she meant by her question. her answer?
play miniature golf.
apparently this whole thing stemmed from her obsession with miniature golf.
are you freaking kidding me???
see. overthinking. overanalyzing. awesome.
i love my kids. but they show me everyday how crazy i am. thanks. seriously.
i. am. crazy.