yeah that's it.
on saturday i will hit 34. well enough over 30 that it starts to hurt, but well enough under 40 that the hill is only visible. but still far enough away to ignore for the time being. certain ages bother people. and then other ages are looked at with joy. being 6 and heading to kindergarten is a giant step for children, but a sad one for mothers. my baby just turned five. so kindergarten is biting at her heels. my oldest will be 13 this fall. so the teen years are biting at my nerves. turning 16 is the start of driving. and higher insurance premiums. 18 tends to make younger folk think they are grown, and sends mixed feelings with parents. they are ready to fly the coop. it can be sad, frustrating, and overwhelming. but then again, they are ready to fly the coop. it can be full of joy, the unknown, and happiness. they are out of your house and ready to start their lives. 21 brings adulthood, drinking, and decision making for the individual. responsibility sets in and it can be stressful. but knowing that you are really by this point no longer under the long arm of parental law can be exhilarating. the 20's are supposed to be the best time of your life. you will learn later that in some ways it is. and in other ways it is not.
hitting 25. the midpoint to 30. you are almost there but not quite. in my family, and mind, you are not truly grown until you hit 30. hell, chances are you are still sitting at the kids table for thanksgiving until this point. unless you have kiddos of your own. then 29. the forever age. the age that once you are over it, you keep reliving. the last year before you are 'old'. the age where being a child truly stops. and adulthood rares back and slaps you in your face. ahhhhh adulthood. the joy, pain, trials, tribulations, and the horror. OH THE HORROR!!!! not really. but it is coming. by 30 your carefree life is behind you. and being an adult is on the forefront. you have bills, a job, carnote, mortgage of some kind, and most likely kids. this is the 'regret' phase. the point where you start thinking about what you should have done. and also what you should not have done. you have your friends. both the ones from childhood and new ones from work and life. 30 bothers a lot of people. it seems as if leaving your childhood behind is painful. whether you are upset about growing up and never getting those days back, reminiscing on the oldie but goodie days, sad about the responsibilities you have that no one warned you about, or just plain feeling old physically, the big 3-0 seems to be painful. for me, 30 was great. i was a grown up. i had already been feeling the responsibility bug bites. i had been a single mother for almost a decade and had just rejoined it for the second time with a new baby. 30 was great. the older people do not look at you like a complete boob. you have joined the work force in a higher capacity by this time and are doing things. the regrets were there, and the wishing i had done things differently. but i think that comes with life. 30 did not scare me. at all. i have friends that it devastated. but me...i was good.
the early 30's were really just a blur. whether it was the new baby, the physical shortcomings that i was experiencing, or the fact that three surgeries happened in three years. but they were a blur allthesame.
36. that is an age i think will bother me. for some reason it was supposed to be 'the' age. the age that i had accomplished all my things. ya know....the things. i would look my best, feel my best, love my job, and finally had gotten time for myself. enjoying my life more. happy with where i am. just an in general great year. i am not there yet. so time will tell. i am keeping it in the back of my mind and trying to make sure i stay on track. because shortly after that...40. the big one. the hill. i know those same friends that had panic attacks over 30 will just about die at this one. 40 does not bother me. i welcome it. it brings wisdom. and grownupness. my kids will be 19 and 11. i will have one in college and one almost in junior high. they will be to a point that i can enjoy things. my friends. my life. 40 does not scare me.
42. a number that does not mean much. but to me...it means quite a bit. 42 will scare me. it was the last full year (of age) that my mom lived through. she died when she was 43. four months from being 44. so hitting that age will scare me. because what comes after it, i had no motherly advice for. she never made it there.
then theres 50. half a decade. it really does not seem too scary. some say your life is half over. but really, how many people live to be 100? and if getting grey is the reason people get scared...well i already am. so that is over and done with. 50 is nifty. 60 i do not think will bother me either. by this point i should have grandchildren. and hopefully a freaking happy marriage. enjoying my life. and i do hope to be retiring soon by this point. but who knows. but fear? i believe by this point that part is gone. i think fear is what you have when you do not know what is coming. and well, we all know what 60 leads to...70, 80, 90. so that fear is gone. and really the only thing unknown by that point is death. and death does not scare me.
by this point it is just a number. and truly so long as i can look back on my life and be happy ... i do not care what my age is.
for right now...it is just 34. and although i had no expectations for it...it seems to be sneaking up on me. 36 is close, and well 30 seems so far away. i am getting older and my kids are growing up. i look back and realize that i am not the kid anymore. and the people that seemed so 'old' when i was younger are starting to disappear. i think about the fact that they were my age. and now...they are just so...old. or gone. and i do not think i am ready for that. i want to be a kid again. is it possible to have mid-life crisis in your 30's? i cannot afford the sportscar by any means. and there is no reason to get a 'newer' model of man. i do not have the old one yet. hehe.
age is such a funny thing. it affects everyone differently. each person will have their hangups. each person will have their fears. it will be different for everyone. a year that you thought would bother you becomes nothing, and a year you were happy to see come will devastate even the strongest of the strong. right now...34. yeck. i thought it would not bother me...but 34 seems to be sneaky. technically i will be at work when i turn 34. but tonight is the get together. nothing fantabulous. just a small party with my nearest and dearest friends and family. we will sit and visit. and eat sushi. enjoy each others company. talk about when we were younger. the stupid things we did. the great memories we made. i still have most of my same friends. the same ones from the beginning of my life in most cases. so we will have lots to talk about. as we always do. we will laugh. and i am sure cry...either from laughing too hard or from a great memory. but there will be tears i am sure. but more laughs. WAY more laughs.
and really ... that is what matters the most no matter what the age. being able to laugh with your friends. know that you all made it this far...and have many years ahead of you to figure out together. know that if this age bothers you, there are at least half a dozen great people sitting around you who are ok with it. they will get you through it. they will be there. laugh and cry with you. eat cake and sushi, fumble with chopsticks, drink a little too much Sake. and have your back.
no matter how old they think you are.
what age bothered you? what age were you excited to be?