i am having some major issues lately. call it mid life crisis, or getting older, or maybe it was the whole getting ready to go under the knife. whatever spurred it surely brought it on good. maybe i just need a good come to Baby Jesus cry or something. or maybe i just need to talk it out. i can tell you that right now my freaking throat hurts way too bad to be crying. i know this because i was catching up on a few blogs and they had me in tears. for both hysterical and sad reasons. i cried. it hurt. let us not do that again. so that only leaves talking it out. and unfortunately for you, my 6 readers, you will get the 'talking out'.
i am sad. i know there is something wrong with me. it may be clinical or not. it may be something that can be diagnosed or not. i am not sure what it is. maybe it is age. or hormones. or thyroid. or whatever. but it is here. i hate it. i refuse to be like this for the rest of my life. normally i just kind of sweep it under the rug and keep going. but i think, my friends, this time i am going to do something about it. like meds, or working out, or vitamins or something. i just cannot accept that this is how we are supposed to live. this cannot be all there is. we only get one shot. is this really what it is supposed to be about? sadness. i just do not think so. so slowly but surely i am going to get myself up outta this here rut that has consumed me. and i may or may not bring some of you with me. i have quite a few IRL friends that have been feeling like this too. so i am going to try to fix it. it is ridiculous. i do not want to look back in a decade (because time flies by so quickly) and have missed out on so many things. i look at my girls and wonder what they will look back on when they are my age. i had a great childhood. i mean there were hard times. but for the most part it was awesome. until age 15. but that is a different post for another day. i look back and remember family dinners, and my friends, and horses, and playing outside. i remember my brother and i fighting. eh. it happens. but i remember...happy. and i look at my girls and i just think sweet Big G all they are going to remember is a moody ass mom that was always screaming. how horrible. i refuse to be that memory. i refuse to be the reason they are in therapy or worse. i want their memories to be happy. i want to be happy. so i am going to change things. soon.
ok this will probably be gross. sorry. ok here is what we were looking at the day after i had surgery:
all pretty and bandaged allbeit bleeding a bit. hushitup. my neck was sliced open! it has to drain a little. right? and here we are today. and yes i went to the store like this. and i am pretty sure by the look on people's faces, everyone patronizing the HEB today loved the fact i decided to get out of the house.
oh yeah. i did. i sure did. in town. just like this. stitches blazing and all. i get the blue stitches out next week. and then another week until another surgery. this will be my fourth surgery in three years. no. i am not a glutton for punishment. i am weeding things out of my life that are bad for me. my girlie parts were all defunct. so out they came. there were jacked up pieces in my too humongous boobies. so out they came. a tumor decided to bust out on my right thyroid. so out it came. and now there seems to be a mass in my right cheek area. so out it will come. it scares me going under so many times. i have always been afraid of going out. but i feel like i have to get these things out. before they make me sick. and then it is on like donkey kong. i am going to get myself happy. and healthy if it kills me. which it may. possibly.
a few posts back i wrote an article on bullying. and then shortly after a blog friend of mine underwent a horrible thing. my friend jane's son was beaten up. badly. you can follow the link to her and read all about it. things have been handled thanks to the Blogfia and a lot of pissed off moms. but the fact that it had to come to that made me sick. in a world where if a mother was to smack her kid in the back of the head in freaking wal-mart, half of the kingdom come would have come down on her, a mother, who's son was beaten cannot get
a freaking school transfer?? are you fucking kidding me world?!?! and then when confronted with over 130 emails *@!boom!@* the magical school transfer fairy comes down and bops these two assholes with the 'not-a-problem' wand and things get moving. wtf??? why did it take that? why did it take a movement in the blogosphere from a ton of worried, concerned, outraged, and yes pissed off moms, to make this happen. now you tell me, if this would have been their son or daughter, would they not have done the same thing? what has happened to humanity? what has happened to parents? why the fuck did it take that? come on!! are you kidding me? why in the hell were you not all over that like white on rice? our schools allow little gangster thugs to rule the schoolyards and terrorize good kids that just want an education, kids that want to get out of these neighborhoods and do something with themselves, they let schools be ruled by stupid ass tests that leave our children half stupid upon graduation, yet they want to send parents to jail for their child missing more than 12 days in a school year. guess what fucker?? my kid is absent because she is sick. or at the dentist. or possibly seeing a therapist to fix what this society has managed to fuck up! so get off it! how about you pay attention to the children that need you and the parents that are bending over backwards to make sure the kids are educated and have a future. how about that asshats??? shit. i mean really. ok. well see, now my damn incision is pulsing. i hope you are happy!!!
ughhhh. fury. anger. and pissedoffness. yep. i said it. that this woman who has done nothing but raise her children and done everything for them has to go through something like that is absolutely insane. and i think heads should roll over this. and another thing...while im screaming at my laptop...the world, the media, society wants to downplay mom bloggers and give us negative media...you know what??? YOU CAN GO TO HELL TOO!! you see what we can get accomplished! you know we are a force to be reckoned with. and you are scared. as you should be. we are intelligent, funny, witty, well spoken, important people. we are mothers. and if you think for one instant you would be where you are without one you need to recalculate your freaking GPS coordinates!! how abouts you quit slamming us all and realize that the world is changing. and moms, yes moms, are going to run this here fucker in the next decade or so. why?? because yall have assed this here ride out! and we are tired of it. so we are gonna step in and clean house yall. it may take us a minute. but it will get better. our kids need to be taken care of. our world needs to be taken care of. things need to change. across the board. and i dare you...dare you...to just try and get stupid. you will be put in time out in a quick and hurry!! so stop it. embrace change. and thank us. cause we will be cleaning up all the shit you managed to jack up. so get off it that we have bad language, talk out of turn, or piss people off. because there are quite a few of us. and you cannot cannot take us all on. we will win. we are moms. and if we go on strike...well guess what douchecanoe...humans will die out. do you get that die out?? who else can say that can do that. uh huh. thats what i thought.
i. am. done.
continue on with life as normal.