Today I woke up a little earlier than the girls.  I have the day off, it is Friday and that is the norm.  Instead of laying in bed until my body just absolutely made me get up I decided to go on ahead get up, dressed, and have some coffee.  It is very rare that I have a morning to just...enjoy.  Usually we are rushing to get out of the house on time for school or work and they just seem to go by too quickly.  Add to that the fact that I am not a morning person what-so-ever and you have few and far between mornings that are enjoyed by mom.  For some reason today was different.  It is the last day of the year.  The last day of the decade for that matter.  All I could think about while I was laying in bed, was how quickly it had all gone by.  What was different about me, what had changed in the last decade.  A decade.  Ten years.  Crap that is a long time.  But so quick in many respects also.  It scares me that time can just fly by so quickly.  Have I wasted the time I have had?  Have I spent it wisely?  What do I need to do in the coming decades?  Strange to think that a decade has flown by when there were days that seemed like they would never end.  Moments that time stopped.  Months that you felt you would never recover.  Years lost in depression and some overflowing with happiness.  The realization that life is what it is.  Is it all we have?  Who knows.  But if we let it slip by and have nothing but regrets then we have wasted it.  Why is it that you do not realize this until your 30's?  I could have used some of this wisdom in my teens, or even just a decade ago.  What will I realize in the next ten years?  What will have changed?



How much has changed in the last ten years?

I went from being 24 to 34 and oh what a difference that ten years makes.  My body no longer wants to or never mind remembers how to do things that seemed to come so easily back then.  My lady parts have been ripped out and sent to a landfill.  Menopause is not for the faint of heart.  Night sweats, old lady hands, and hot flashes have become the normal.  My boobs have been cut down by 6 pounds and why the hell did I not do that sooner?  Tumors have been removed from various parts of my body and 'anesthesia head' is not a mystery.  It is solved.  And I have had it quite a few times in the last decade.  My 3 year old is now a teenager and at some point halfway through I had another one that is now five.  I have changed jobs at least 8 times and job fields twice.  I have been deployed in the military.  Blown out my knee.  Attended a ton of concerts.  Watched way too many people leave this earth and attended too many funerals.  I have partied with some of my best friends and made new ones both in real life and here on the webiverse.  I learned what a blog was, how to twitter, that facebook can lead me to people I thought were lost forever, and found out that I love social media.  I have opened my heart up, complained, bitched, celebrated, thanked and in general opened up my soul on line for all the world to see...and was rewarded for it.  Cell phones and T.V's have gotten smaller but smarter and more houses have internet and computers than record players and VHS tapes.  Cell phones fit in your ears and computers fit in your hands.  Now I am just waiting on the flying cars!  2001 brought the death of Big'K's father, the 10 year anniversary of the death of my mother, and a bunch of assholes trying to blow up our beautiful U.S.of A.  Flying has become more of a pain in the ass, driving has become expensive, minimum wage has increased and most people are still struggling.  The presidents have changed in more than just the color of their party.  I have seen things happen that I did not think I would see in my lifetime and pray for other things that I hope I do.  People have both amazed and disgusted me, but still manage to surprise me every day.  I have grown up, changed, and experienced things that were new to me.  I have loved, lost, laughed, cried, puked, screamed, had breakdowns, been depressed, scared, thankful and regretted past decisions.  The power of mom and women in general has amazed me and continues to do so every time I pull up this world that was somewhat foreign a decade ago that has become part of my everyday life.  I have recognized my shortcomings, embraced depression, realized how much I have screwed up my kids, not thanked my BFF enough, held on to people I should have let go of, and not fought enough to keep some I waved bye to.  I have changed cars, changed houses, and changed dress sizes.

I have lost the girl I used to be and found a woman I did not know.

This last decade has been hard.  I can only pray that the coming decade is much better.  At the beginning of this year I decided to not make resolutions but solutions.  To change things.  I can tell by reading that post that I was a different person then; yes, even just a year ago.  This last year has been hard.  Really hard.  I did do some of the things I had wanted to in my 'solution' for the new year post.  Some I did not and failed miserably at.  I think you can have the best of expectations but things happen.  Things that shape you, even when you are resistant.  In the end I guess it is just preparing you for who you will be.  Maybe not having any expectations is the best way to go.  Not having resolutions or solutions, not trying to make things happen; rather, just letting it happen.  Going with the flow, shaping your way but mostly just riding.  I do know I have no idea what the answer is, even though I try to convince myself I do.  I have realized after this past decade that I really have no idea.  At all.  Maybe taking that revelation with me into the next decade will help to shape it a little better.  I do know I cannot imagine what this next year will hold.  I look forward to reading this a year from now and seeing where things have gone.

And I look forward to finding out more about the woman I have become, and maybe getting a little bit of that girl back...

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