What?? Wait...me?? But? Why? Huh? Gasp?? PEOPLE WILL READ IT!!!! Really?? Seriously?? You have got to be f'n kidding me?!?? *silence* *hyperventilation* Wait...What?? AT FREAKING BLOGHER!!! Me?? Why? HUH?!?!?!?
Yep. That is pretty much what went through my head. Shock. Awe. And disbelief. I write here for myself. To get things out of my head. Onto paper. Because that helps. I learned that a long time ago. As a teenager after my mother died. I felt better when I got things out. Wrote things down. And the blog helps me. If no one read it, I would still write. But knowing that people read it, that somehow gives validity to what I write. To know that it does not just fly out into the nether regions of the interwebs. Other people, who may or may not need to read what I write, still read. There is something comforting in that. But also terrifying. You see, my family does not know about my blog. I will copy and paste some of my posts into an e-mail for them to read (like my post on bullying), but aside from that they do not come here. And I really kind of like it that way. I need this to be a place that is not viewed from people that may be ranted about. That could be bad for my chance of an inheritance. And to be honest very few of my IRL friends read it either. My BFF does. But really, she already knows most everything about me. So it is all good.
My BFF tells me all the time that I write very well. And that I should do something about it. Write more. For people that would pay. And more people that would read. I do not see the writing that is above average. I see my words. To me...that is just what they are. Words. And they are mine.
You can imagine my shock when I read that e-mail. Of course, the first thing I did was bite my lip. The e-mail required it. Nothing being said. Not yet. Wait till all the word was out. I could not believe it. Mostly that I was picked, but even moreso that I could not tell anyone. Well, I took the anyone part to mean the public and immediately called the BFF. I mean really, how can you not tell people! She was ecstatic and very proud. I was...in shock. I could not believe it. Even through the weekend until the day it was officially announced, I still could not believe it. And even when I saw it, right there in black and white, I was taken aback at the quality of posts I was chosen to be next to.
I think what made the most difference, was the post that was chosen. A post that I never intended to write. A post about my Lil'Bro. He is dying. And that is something I do not take lightly. In another decade I will be the only one left. My mother gone when I was fifteen. My father...ill. My brother...ill. It will just be me. That is something that frightens me. The day I wrote the post was an emotional day. My brother looked well. That was not something I had seen in quite a while. I was emotional and shocked. And the post that came out was raw and true. My Lil'Bro has no idea that the post even exists. I will read it to him one day. One day when he is laying down and cannot retaliate or be mad or upset at me for exposing him that way. He may be sick, but he is as strong as an oxen, and I have NO desire to get a smack from him. He may be my Lil'Bro but he towers over me by almost a foot. He may be skin and bones at times, but his strength outdoes mine by at least twofold. He may be dying, but he is still my Lil'Bro and I love him.
So thank you BlogHer!!! It is an honor to be added to that list. The Voices of the Year Finalists. I am humbled and very appreciative. I am in great company on that list. It is not something I take lightly, however cheesy that may sound.
I do hope everyone that reads the post not only sees it as something they consider 'good writing' but also as a short glimpse into me. Just someone out here in the world, doing what so many others are doing...writing. Even if no one else reads it.
I am valid.