independent - free from external control and constraint; "an independent mind"; "a series of independent judgments"; "fiercely independent individualism"*
codependent - Codependency or Codependence is a tendency to behave in ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. This behavior may be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and/or control patterns*
capitulate - To end all resistance; to give up; to go along with or comply; may imply compliance with an enemy or to end all resistance because of loss of hope*
I am independent. I am capable of holding a job. Paying my own bills. Changing my oil. Fixing my plumbing. Taking out my trash. And many other things. Physically I do not require anyone to 'be' with me. I do not have the need to rely on someone else to get things done. It is just me. And by Big G I can handle it. I am woman! See me be independent!! (the roaring will come later I am sure)
That being said, I have a few very codependent friends. They must live with a man. They must have someone to help with the day to day. They cannot be alone. They must have someone to 'be' with. Granted, the majority of these friends also have addiction issues, or are with someone else who does.
I do not have an addictive personality. I never have. I did my fair share of 'experimenting' in my previous life to obviously decide it was not for me. I have been on almost every narcotic you could imagine for pain and never once did I get the cravings. I just put 'em down. And that was the end of that. (my friend alcohol was another story, but I digress)
As a child I did not really like to be touched, or hugged, or loved on. I did not like people in my space. I still do not. Having children was hard for me in that respect. Children need to be held and cuddled. Have you met me? I am NOT a cuddly person. Trust me on that. Big'K is like this. No hugging and being all mushy with her. Lil'K has almost put me in my grave with all the space invasion (and not the little green people kind) I also have space issues. I think the military only added to the craziness. I HAVE A BUBBLE PEOPLE! Stay the hell out of it! Thirty six inches all around is what I require. And I do have some huggy friends. And sweet baby J it drives me nuts. I have tried to let myself go and realize that sometimes, even the hard asses, need a hug. And I capitulate.
I have prided myself on my independence. It is something that I can always rely on. It makes me happy. Recently, we helped one of my codependent friends, BTDT, detox. At home. It was awesome! No, really, it was all that and a bag of chips...and a big seizure by her common law (BTDTCL). And I am being horribly sarcastic. It was NOT fun. In any way. It was horrible. And it was long. And it was messy. But we did it. We got her and him detoxed without too much incident. And all is fine now. But the reason she has not been clean for so long is because she is so dependent on him. To pay the bills, make decisions, 'be' there. She was scared to get clean because she did not want him to leave her. She would be lost. Dead even. If he were to leave. What would she do? How would she survive? How could she make it?
The one thing playing in my head during all this was "OMG it must really suck to be so freaking dependent on someone else!"
In my mind the answer was easy...you just would. But I realized that some people just cannot. Some people cannot just be. None the less alone. I am surrounded by these people...and they wear me out! My Lil'Bro is one. June is one. BTDT and BTDTCL are also. Do not get me wrong...I am also surrounded by a ton of independent, strong, take charge women and men. But these few codependents...they just leave me at a loss for words. Begging for help. Wanting to get out of the situations they are in. But not being able to.
The last 48 hours have been hell for me. I got a call from Lil'Bro at 0100 last night saying "Oh crap ... are you asleep? Sorry. But Sid the Sloth left me sitting on a curb in the Montrose area. Just left me! Can you come get me?" My response was sure. I was on my way. Confused, sleepy, and a bit angry I took off from my home and headed for downtown Houston in the wee hours of the morning. Not somewhere I wanted to be in the middle of the night. But hey, it is my Lil'Bro for the love of Big G. And he was stranded. Sheesh. Like you would not have done it!
On the ride there I had time to think. And also talk to him and Sid the Sloth. I did make it there. Around 0300 and found him (with minimal getting lost time) and did not get killed, mugged, or dead. I did get cat called by a few unsavory characters. But hey, it is Montrose, in Houston, in the middle of the night. I mean that is just to be expected. We got a burger on the way home (as an alcohol soaking up tool for him) and made it back around 0445 this morning. After not nearly enough sleep I made it to BFF's house to discuss an intervention. Not a drug or alcohol intervention. A life intervention. He is sick. And heading down the wrong path...ready to give up. But for him, giving up means death. And I am just not ready for all that. Besides, my schedule is way too busy for a death at the moment. We got a plan together and intended to enact it tonight. Bring him home, get him clothes, bring him back. Remember what they say about intentions and roads? We boy howdy am I gonna have one smooth ride straight into the netherworlds!!! Things did not work out the way they were planned. And the BFF and I ended up spending quite a bit of time both on the road, waiting on the ferry, and in the ghetto part of our local island area, getting ate up by mosquitoes the size of freaking Pterodactyls, that I am sure were carrying some type of death plague. Not. Fun. I mean really, I have ass rot from driving so much in the last two days and I itch in places I cannot reach and I do not understand how mosquitoes can get to.
The story was the same...I just cannot. I cannot lose another friend. I cannot lose someone. I cannot be alone.
Through all of the recent interactions and interventions and the being surrounded by the codependents, I began to realize something. Yes. The proverbial light went off. ***ding*** Rendering me almost speechless. Close to stroke level, but just enough off that there was no loss of vision or drooping of the mouth.
I am a codependent.
Yes. I know what you are thinking. No way YaYa! Not you with your handy dandy skills and fierce attitude!! Yes my loco followers. Yes I am.
I know. It took me by surprise a bit also. I have figured out...I am not physically codependent. And not in a destructive way. Oh no. It is much worse than even that.
I am emotionally codependent.
Now I do not have a fancy definition from Google for that. But I have figured out what it means. To me anyways. I need my people. My friends. To run things by. To have around me. To help with decisions and bounce things off of. I need way too much emotional support. I can do things on my own. And my habit is not damaging. But I like to have input on things. My girls. My unit. My troupe. Without them I could still figure it out. Make a decision. Get things done. But I feel more at ease with my actions if I get the thumbs up. The atta-girl. The pat on the back. Does that make me an accolade whore? A compliment seeker? I do not think so. I do not respond well to that. Compliments make me uneasy. I do not seek their help to be told I am right. Or to make myself feel better. I seek their help in order to make informed decisions. To better plan things out.
So there ya go. Something you did not know about me. Something apparently I did not know about me either.
So for now, I will refer to myself as The Most Independent Codependent I Know. Until someone else can come up with a better name.
And no. Crazy will not work so do not even try it.
Do you know a codependent personality? Rely on people for things? Physically? Emotionally? Are you an independent codependent? I think we need a group for this. And I say bring on the beverages and we can hash it all out over some queso, hot sauce, and chips!
Yes. I am sleep deprived. Stressed out. And just run down in general. This post is totally not rational. It neither has a point nor does it make sense. Really, just go on ahead and skip over it. I am going to get me some sleep and write something better next Monday.
After I talk it over with my friends of course! (haha. just kidding)
*definitions from google.com