After being in the blogging world for a while I have gotten to 'meet' a lot of cool people.  Some of them I admire.  Some of them I fear.  Some of them have no idea who I am.  Some of them I drool over.  Some of them I wish I could meet.  My BFF in real life is one of my fellow bloggers.  Being able to get away from it all and have an adult beverage and laugh and bounce things off of her is wonderful.  There are so many bloggers out there that I would love to just be able to do that with.

With all the conferences coming and going throughout the year the chance to meet some of these amazing women (and men!) is possible.  The impossible is being able to afford all the great opportunities.  It got me to thinking, if I could have my own little conference who would I invite?  Well it would definitely be an open invitation because I would hate to miss out on meeting so many great writers and bloggers.  But what if I could only pick 10?  Who would my Top 10 of all time 'OMG I wanna meet you!' bloggers be?

I was pondering this while eating my mini-wheats the other morning and all I could think was how could I narrow it down?  Is it really different than shopping?  Hitting the cereal isle at your local mega mart you are faced with hundreds of options.  How do you pick the few cereals to pour in your bowl?  Taste, cost, the toy inside?  If I had a huge bowl and could mix in my favorite bloggers to make this...well...huge bowl of awesome, who would I pick?

Below is my list.  My Top 10.  My veritable 'Bowl Full Of The Awesome' Bloggers that I would love to meet:

1.  The Bloggess - Really? Do I have to list a reason?? It's The Bloggess!
2.  Candace - This girl has more southern charm and sass than J.R. Ewing's cowboy hat!
3.  Jane - This woman is amazing and inspiring!  How awesome would it be to kick it with this momma!
4.  MOTPG - This woman rocks it with three girls!  Just do not ground me Mom!!
5.  Mother from TMH - Intelligent, savvy and kick ass!  I would love to just sit down pick her brain and soak up the knowledge.
6.  Leiah - This one is full of laughs and great times.  I just know it!  What a hoot this one would be.
7.  Supah / Chief / Meeko - OK! I know it is three people, but really, I think this group comes as one.  And hopefully with a little magic I may get to be meeting these crazy cats in Vegas.  
8.  Busy Mom - I already know this one and let me tell you something I am a much better person for it!
9.  Aunt Becky - Grab me a drink and get ready to laugh!
10.  Moooooooooog - Sarcastic, offbeat, and has a squishy inside.  This Midget of Steel reminds me of half the guys I hung with in the Army.  Not sure if that is good or bad.  But I am sure it would be a blast!

This is by no means all of who I would love to get together with.  But it is the best list I can come up within my 10 limit.  There are so many wonderful people out there.  Some of them are right up the street and others are across the country.  I am happy just to be able to read their blogs and get a glimpse into their worlds.  Be sure to go show them all some love!!

That is all I felt a few days ago.  I received an e-mail from BlogHer.  I was sure that it had something to do with me being signed up to go.  Or having something to do with me selling my tickets.  But no.  It had nothing to do with either of those.  It was an e-mail informing me that I had been chosen as one of the Voices of the Year Finalists.

What?? Wait...me?? But? Why? Huh? Gasp?? PEOPLE WILL READ IT!!!! Really?? Seriously?? You have got to be f'n kidding me?!??  *silence*  *hyperventilation*  Wait...What?? AT FREAKING BLOGHER!!! Me?? Why? HUH?!?!?!?

Yep.  That is pretty much what went through my head.  Shock.  Awe.  And disbelief.  I write here for myself.  To get things out of my head.  Onto paper.  Because that helps.  I learned that a long time ago.  As a teenager after my mother died.  I felt better when I got things out.  Wrote things down.  And the blog helps me.  If no one read it, I would still write.  But knowing that people read it, that somehow gives validity to what I write.  To know that it does not just fly out into the nether regions of the interwebs.  Other people, who may or may not need to read what I write, still read.  There is something comforting in that.  But also terrifying.  You see, my family does not know about my blog.  I will copy and paste some of my posts into an e-mail for them to read (like my post on bullying), but aside from that they do not come here.  And I really kind of like it that way.  I need this to be a place that is not viewed from people that may be ranted about.  That could be bad for my chance of an inheritance.  And to be honest very few of my IRL friends read it either.  My BFF does.  But really, she already knows most everything about me.  So it is all good.

My BFF tells me all the time that I write very well.  And that I should do something about it.  Write more.  For people that would pay.  And more people that would read.  I do not see the writing that is above average.  I see my words.  To me...that is just what they are.  Words.  And they are mine.

You can imagine my shock when I read that e-mail.  Of course, the first thing I did was bite my lip.  The e-mail required it.  Nothing being said.  Not yet.  Wait till all the word was out.  I could not believe it.  Mostly that I was picked, but even moreso that I could not tell anyone.  Well, I took the anyone part to mean the public and immediately called the BFF.  I mean really, how can you not tell people!  She was ecstatic and very proud.  I was...in shock.  I could not believe it.  Even through the weekend until the day it was officially announced, I still could not believe it.  And even when I saw it, right there in black and white, I was taken aback at the quality of posts I was chosen to be next to.

I think what made the most difference, was the post that was chosen.  A post that I never intended to write.  A post about my Lil'Bro.  He is dying.  And that is something I do not take lightly.  In another decade I will be the only one left.  My mother gone when I was fifteen.  My father...ill.  My brother...ill.  It will just be me.  That is something that frightens me.  The day I wrote the post was an emotional day.  My brother looked well.  That was not something I had seen in quite a while.  I was emotional and shocked.  And the post that came out was raw and true.  My Lil'Bro has no idea that the post even exists.  I will read it to him one day.  One day when he is laying down and cannot retaliate or be mad or upset at me for exposing him that way.  He may be sick, but he is as strong as an oxen, and I have NO desire to get a smack from him.  He may be my Lil'Bro but he towers over me by almost a foot.  He may be skin and bones at times, but his strength outdoes mine by at least twofold.  He may be dying, but he is still my Lil'Bro and I love him.

So thank you BlogHer!!!  It is an honor to be added to that list.  The Voices of the Year Finalists.  I am humbled and very appreciative.  I am in great company on that list.  It is not something I take lightly, however cheesy that may sound.

I do hope everyone that reads the post not only sees it as something they consider 'good writing' but also as a short glimpse into me.  Just someone out here in the world, doing what so many others are doing...writing.  Even if no one else reads it.





I am valid.

Just for s & g:


independent - free from external control and constraint; "an independent mind"; "a series of independent judgments"; "fiercely independent individualism"*


codependent - Codependency or Codependence is a tendency to behave in ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. This behavior may be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and/or control patterns*


capitulate - To end all resistance; to give up; to go along with or comply; may imply compliance with an enemy or to end all resistance because of loss of hope*






I am independent.  I am capable of holding a job. Paying my own bills. Changing my oil.  Fixing my plumbing. Taking out my trash.  And many other things.  Physically I do not require anyone to 'be' with me.  I do not have the need to rely on someone else to get things done.  It is just me.  And by Big G I can handle it.  I am woman!  See me be independent!! (the roaring will come later I am sure)


That being said, I have a few very codependent friends.  They must live with a man.  They must have someone to help with the day to day.  They cannot be alone.  They must have someone to 'be' with.  Granted, the majority of these friends also have addiction issues, or are with someone else who does.


I do not have an addictive personality.  I never have.  I did my fair share of 'experimenting' in my previous life to obviously decide it was not for me.  I have been on almost every narcotic you could imagine for pain and never once did I get the cravings.  I just put 'em down.  And that was the end of that.  (my friend alcohol was another story, but I digress)


As a child I did not really like to be touched, or hugged, or loved on.  I did not like people in my space.  I still do not.  Having children was hard for me in that respect.  Children need to be held and cuddled.  Have you met me? I am NOT a cuddly person.  Trust me on that.  Big'K is like this.  No hugging and being all mushy with her.  Lil'K has almost put me in my grave with all the space invasion (and not the little green people kind)  I also have space issues.  I think the military only added to the craziness.  I HAVE A BUBBLE PEOPLE!  Stay the hell out of it!  Thirty six inches all around is what I require.  And I do have some huggy friends.  And sweet baby J it drives me nuts.  I have tried to let myself go and realize that sometimes, even the hard asses, need a hug.  And I capitulate. 


I have prided myself on my independence.  It is something that I can always rely on.  It makes me happy.  Recently, we helped one of my codependent friends, BTDT, detox.  At home.  It was awesome!  No, really, it was all that and a bag of chips...and a big seizure by her common law (BTDTCL).  And I am being horribly sarcastic.  It was NOT fun.  In any way.  It was horrible.  And it was long.  And it was messy.  But we did it.  We got her and him detoxed without too much incident.  And all is fine now.  But the reason she has not been clean for so long is because she is so dependent on him.  To pay the bills, make decisions, 'be' there.  She was scared to get clean because she did not want him to leave her.  She would be lost.  Dead even.  If he were to leave.  What would she do?  How would she survive?  How could she make it?


The one thing playing in my head during all this was "OMG it must really suck to be so freaking dependent on someone else!"  


In my mind the answer was easy...you just would.  But I realized that some people just cannot.  Some people cannot just be.  None the less alone.  I am surrounded by these people...and they wear me out!  My Lil'Bro is one.  June is one.  BTDT and BTDTCL are also.  Do not get me wrong...I am also surrounded by a ton of independent, strong, take charge women and men.  But these few codependents...they just leave me at a loss for words.  Begging for help.  Wanting to get out of the situations they are in.  But not being able to. 


The last 48 hours have been hell for me.  I got a call from Lil'Bro at 0100 last night saying  "Oh crap ... are you asleep?  Sorry.  But Sid the Sloth left me sitting on a curb in the Montrose area.  Just left me!  Can you come get me?"  My response was sure.  I was on my way.  Confused, sleepy, and a bit angry I took off from my home and headed for downtown Houston in the wee hours of the morning.  Not somewhere I wanted to be in the middle of the night.  But hey, it is my Lil'Bro for the love of Big G.  And he was stranded.  Sheesh.  Like you would not have done it!


On the ride there I had time to think.  And also talk to him and Sid the Sloth.  I did make it there. Around 0300 and found him (with minimal getting lost time) and did not get killed, mugged, or dead.  I did get cat called by a few unsavory characters.  But hey, it is Montrose, in Houston, in the middle of the night.  I mean that is just to be expected.  We got a burger on the way home (as an alcohol soaking up tool for him) and made it back around 0445 this morning.  After not nearly enough sleep I made it to BFF's house to discuss an intervention.  Not a drug or alcohol intervention.  A life intervention.  He is sick.  And heading down the wrong path...ready to give up.  But for him, giving up means death.  And I am just not ready for all that.  Besides, my schedule is way too busy for a death at the moment.  We got a plan together and intended to enact it tonight.  Bring him home, get him clothes, bring him back.  Remember what they say about intentions and roads?  We boy howdy am I gonna have one smooth ride straight into the netherworlds!!!  Things did not work out the way they were planned.  And the BFF and I ended up spending quite a bit of time both on the road, waiting on the ferry, and in the ghetto part of our local island area, getting ate up by mosquitoes the size of freaking Pterodactyls, that I am sure were carrying some type of death plague.  Not. Fun.  I mean really, I have ass rot from driving so much in the last two days and I itch in places I cannot reach and I do not understand how mosquitoes can get to.  


The story was the same...I just cannot.  I cannot lose another friend.  I cannot lose someone.  I cannot be alone.


Through all of the recent interactions and interventions and the being surrounded by the codependents, I began to realize something.  Yes.  The proverbial light went off.  ***ding*** Rendering me almost speechless.  Close to stroke level, but just enough off that there was no loss of vision or drooping of the mouth.  


I am a codependent.  


Yes.  I know what you are thinking.  No way YaYa!  Not you with your handy dandy skills and fierce attitude!!  Yes my loco followers.  Yes I am.


I know.  It took me by surprise a bit also.  I have figured out...I am not physically codependent.  And not in a destructive way.  Oh no.  It is much worse than even that.  


I am emotionally codependent. 


Now I do not have a fancy definition from Google for that.  But I have figured out what it means.  To me anyways.  I need my people.  My friends.  To run things by.  To have around me.  To help with decisions and bounce things off of.  I need way too much emotional support.  I can do things on my own.  And my habit is not damaging.  But I like to have input on things.  My girls.  My unit.  My troupe.  Without them I could still figure it out.  Make a decision.  Get things done.  But I feel more at ease with my actions if I get the thumbs up.  The atta-girl.  The pat on the back.  Does that make me an accolade whore?  A compliment seeker?  I do not think so.  I do not respond well to that.  Compliments make me uneasy.  I do not seek their help to be told I am right.  Or to make myself feel better.  I seek their help in order to make informed decisions.  To better plan things out.  


So there ya go.  Something you did not know about me.  Something apparently I did not know about me either.  


So for now, I will refer to myself as The Most Independent Codependent I Know.  Until someone else can come up with a better name.






And no.  Crazy will not work so do not even try it.






Do you know a codependent personality? Rely on people for things?  Physically?  Emotionally?  Are you an independent codependent?  I think we need a group for this.  And I say bring on the beverages and we can hash it all out over some queso, hot sauce, and chips!




Yes.  I am sleep deprived.  Stressed out.  And just run down in general.  This post is totally not rational.  It neither has a point nor does it make sense.  Really, just go on ahead and skip over it.  I am going to get me some sleep and write something better next Monday.












After I talk it over with my friends of course! (haha. just kidding)














*definitions from google.com