today is the day.

we are celebrating three birthdays today. my cuz August. one of my friends BTDT and another friends husband Racer. there should be quite a few peeps here. we have brisket, beans, pot salad, rolls, cheeze dip, hot sauce, chips, drinks of every variety, jello shots, and who knows what! just an all around good time. i have been planning...and waiting...for this party since april. some of my best friends will be here. we will do what we always do. sit around. laugh. drink. play cards. drink more. relive all the old moments. drink some more. and just in general cackle like a bunch of hens until well past midnight im sure. these parties are my life blood. they are what keeps me going. 'but yaya you are our glue. YOU are what keeps us all together and on the right track' i have heard this so many times over the years. its a compliment. to think that I am the one that keeps our whole group together. it wasnt always like that. i have messed up too. but at this point in my life that title is one of my most favorite accomplishments. i love it!!!

so tonight we will party. and everyone will have a blast. and then the calls will come...whens the next one?? maybe october. that sounds good. cooler days. cooler nights. bonfire!! yay.

but august is a bad month. my mother died on august 17th 18 years ago. and Big K's father died august 18th 8 years ago. a day after my moms 10 yr death anniversary her father is gone too. it was something that took a long time for me to even talk about. and i dont use it as an excuse it just is what it is. and its still hard for me to talk about it. i dont even like the words...my mom is dead. i am a mom. and i dont want my girls to have to say that. i was only 15. i hadnt yet done everything that i was supposed to do when your mom is there. and it was too late. i want to make sure i am here for my girls.

so this month is very hard for me. i spend most of it in a stupor. just not here. on the verge of crying the whole time. with the possibility that i may bust open like an old rust spicket. pouring out gallon after gallon of salty water covering everything like the great flood. right now. im so happy. my friends are showing up one by one. everyone is stoked. and we are all ready for music, food, and laughs. i am ready too. i guess i just need to go into the bathroom and fall out. just get it over with. or maybe drive down to the cemetery and just sit there and scream and cry and ask that question "why Big G??" i do that every year. and on drunken occasions. but maybe i should just take the next thirty minutes and go sob. im trying to hard to get into the mood. the hey im having a huge party mood! but i just cant seem to do it. everyone keeps asking me whats wrong? are you ok? did i do something? ummmmm NO.

there. i said it.

now..... on to the party!!

happy birthday august, BTDT, and racer!!!!! may this party bring you a little bit of happiness in our complicated and chaotic lives!!