i have been thinking a lot about my blog. lately, with all of the hooplah at the house, i have not been as good about blogging. but i would like to get out there more. you see, i never set out with the intent of a huge follower base. i just set out to write. i am very thankful for the three people that read and comment (ok ok there are more), but my main reason for being here was just to be. to get things out of my head. to talk it out. even if it is just out in the internets. and i enjoy it. i have been trying to decide if i want to upgrade. do i want to stay here on blogger or move to wordpress. i know either way i go, i want to get away from the me.someoneelse.com and more to just me.com. i think that is a natural progression. with growing comes more readers. and i know that also. the problem is what i write is not always happy. and i do try to be nice. but sometimes i can rant. i also have been more open about my children and their issues. my issues. emotions. and just tons of other things that say...my family...does not want/need to hear. once you go big, you go big. which would mean i think i would actually start putting my blog out there. and that makes me a tad nervous. so for now i am holding off. and just mulling it over. if i decide to head to wordpress i would miss my followers here and the ease of posting. but i feel there are a ton more options on the wp end. i am so rooted in google. i have so much other behind the scenes other than my blog tied up into google. so i really do hate to leave. i am just not sure where to turn on the blog front.

my brain says right now stay where i am. upgrade within google. and go from there. but the 'i want my stuff to grow' says head to word press. have you moved? did you make a huge blog switch? what was your motivation?

mid life crisis. i think that is the point in your life where you realize you have to be an adult. and there is no going back. no being a kid. and honestly there has not been any resemblance of kid left for quite a while. the day to day has gotten to you. the job, the bills, the kids, the spouse...life. it has a way of getting to you. moving through you. when you are a kid you try so hard to be grown. count down the days to being 13. being a teen. then 16. driving. then 18. graduating. you try so hard to get there. cannot wait. each day like a sentence in prison. and you cannot wait to be free. and then suddenly you are. free. or so you think. but you are not really. everything that you thought was bad and could not wait to end...those were actually the good times. but they are over. and now...adulthood. those awesome times you could not await. the lucky ones have had a great childhood. filled with love. and kindness. for others...well the end of childhood signals freedom from horrible things. but this is not a post for that. this is about those who make it through for the most part unscathed. and it is time for growth. for forward movement. for some it is time for work. others head off to college. the military. going abroad. the options are endless. all you have to do is make a choice. each year there are more choices. you do what you think is the best. you make the choices that seem to fit. and then next thing you know it happens. it all catches up. maybe all those choices were the best options. maybe they were not. either way you begin to feel like it is all over. when the house and kids and decisions weigh in on you. when the burden starts to become heavy. whether you have a great life. or a crappy one. whether you are rich or poor. none of that matters when your shoulders start to bend under the pressure.

my MLC happened in the beginning of my 30's. the dreaded thirtieth birthday. was not a big deal for me. so many people have it as a milestone. one that brings distress. not me. i was happy to finally be 30. in my family that means you are grown. you no longer have to sit at the kids table during the holidays. i was happy to be 30. but for me it was filled with distress of another sort. i was suffering from post partum depression. it had me by the throat. and the mind. it was taking over. and then it happened. my MLC. i was an adult. i was a single mother with two children. i had bills. and all of a sudden i had realized. i was in over my head. and my shoulders bent a little too much. i broke. i had broken the same way a couple of years after Big'K was born. i guess i just was tired of all the responsibility. i think that is why men buy fast cars. to escape without actually going anywhere. maybe that is why people stray from their marriages. for the thrill. for something out of the normal. for the escape. it took me a long time to get my escape. my escape was not a fast car or a stray. it was last year. it was that twentieth year. can you have three midlife crisis'? when does that stop? i think it stops when you finally heal. when you are out of crisis. i think for everyone that is something different. for me it was that year. and something snapped. in a good way. it was fixed. the PPD is no longer kicking me in the ass daily. the grief that i had carried for so long had started to slough off a layer at a time. like an onion. i was starting to peel away. layers at a time. but underneath...there was not an onion core. there are pieces of something better. an apple. or strawberry. or kiwi. or hell maybe a lemon. i am not sure. there are so many colors showing through. so many textures coming to light.

with all the change something strange has happened. i would say fourth time is a charm...but this is not a crisis. things have changed. i am still a mother. i still have bills. things are not always good. but that is ok. Big'K will start high school at the end of summer. my child with more acronyms than letters in her name. my child that is so awkward socially will head to the mecca of social issues. high school. my child with no organization. will head to term papers and tons of homework. the one that does not care if she stinks or if her ass crack shows. will head to the root of all 'stick-out-in-a-crowd' evil. what do i do? do i let her homeschool herself through high school so that i can hide her from that? do i hold her close and keep her safe? my heart aches. Lil'K will head to second grade. at a school that i am not sure can handle or contain her. my little stick of dynamite in a bubble gum wrapper. my child who rapid cycles so quickly between happy and rage. second grade where kids start to find lifelong friends. where strange things set you apart. weird actions can begin to determine your status. where kids get labeled weird and strange and crazy. what do i do? do i move to find a therapeutic day school that can suit her? my heart aches. i am 36 and have done the same job since 1996. but i can no longer work in that job because i am not degreed or certified. approaching 40 i will have to change careers if i plan on ever making enough money for us to survive. to live. what do i do? move? pick up everything and change? jobs? homes? latitude? my heart aches.

even with the ache. even with the pain. everything will be ok. because this is life. this life that we think bends us till we break. this is what it is. it is pain. it is joy. it is more importantly finding the joy midst the pain. not being scared. releasing the fear. people in this life that are happy...that walk around with a smile. that is their secret. they have released the fear. they have accepted. and now...i find myself in the middle of it. another step.

my mid life acceptance.

i will accept that things are not always fun. or happy. or even sane. i will accept that there will be pain. but i will try to find the joy. i will accept that sometimes people need a change in latitude. to fix their attitude. and that very well may be what ends up happening.

today is father's day. and in true fashion to my life, i am the only 'father' in the house. just me. i have done this. the single mother gig since october of 1997. when Big'K came quietly into my life. three years later her father was gone. not disappeared because he was a loser. but he died. she has suffered ever since. now there are two. Lil'K did not come into my life quite as quietly. she has not seen her father in quite a while. which is really a shame. he is missing out on her life. on everything. i am not even sure if he knows the date of her birth. for almost 15 years in my house father's day has been a sad day. for both of my daughters. neither of their fathers are here. whether uptop with Big G or here on earth. the general position of their bodies means nothing. because to my children they are not here. and that causes pain. i feel like i have tried to do everything i can. but when it comes down to it children need two parents. i do not want to get off on a tangent about same sex parents or traditional sexed parents. because i do not care. i just think that two people can better make decisions for children. but only if they get along. i know too well children that do have two parents but are miserable. today i tried to make the day as good as i could. this year the unhappy day happened to fall on my cousin's birthday. so we cooked out and spent time with family. you see the thing is...Lil'K has been wired for sound. my oldest is Asperger's. and she has been off also for a few days. today she was absolutely off. it never occurred to me that it may have been father's day. i did the same thing for years. when it would get close to my mother's birthday or death anniversary i would be off. sometimes i realized what it was. and could catch it. but it took me a long time to do that. i do notice in Big'K gets hemmed up close to her father's death date. and she is not even aware of it. the human psyche is amazing. and scary all at one time. so what if today was not a good day. i am working on turning the days that seem to be triggers for my children into positive days. so that they will not have to suffer forever.

eventually what is now Unhappy Father's Day will begin to turn into a day of joy. and i know it may take a while. but eventually...