my MLC happened in the beginning of my 30's. the dreaded thirtieth birthday. was not a big deal for me. so many people have it as a milestone. one that brings distress. not me. i was happy to finally be 30. in my family that means you are grown. you no longer have to sit at the kids table during the holidays. i was happy to be 30. but for me it was filled with distress of another sort. i was suffering from post partum depression. it had me by the throat. and the mind. it was taking over. and then it happened. my MLC. i was an adult. i was a single mother with two children. i had bills. and all of a sudden i had realized. i was in over my head. and my shoulders bent a little too much. i broke. i had broken the same way a couple of years after Big'K was born. i guess i just was tired of all the responsibility. i think that is why men buy fast cars. to escape without actually going anywhere. maybe that is why people stray from their marriages. for the thrill. for something out of the normal. for the escape. it took me a long time to get my escape. my escape was not a fast car or a stray. it was last year. it was that twentieth year. can you have three midlife crisis'? when does that stop? i think it stops when you finally heal. when you are out of crisis. i think for everyone that is something different. for me it was that year. and something snapped. in a good way. it was fixed. the PPD is no longer kicking me in the ass daily. the grief that i had carried for so long had started to slough off a layer at a time. like an onion. i was starting to peel away. layers at a time. but underneath...there was not an onion core. there are pieces of something better. an apple. or strawberry. or kiwi. or hell maybe a lemon. i am not sure. there are so many colors showing through. so many textures coming to light.
with all the change something strange has happened. i would say fourth time is a charm...but this is not a crisis. things have changed. i am still a mother. i still have bills. things are not always good. but that is ok. Big'K will start high school at the end of summer. my child with more acronyms than letters in her name. my child that is so awkward socially will head to the mecca of social issues. high school. my child with no organization. will head to term papers and tons of homework. the one that does not care if she stinks or if her ass crack shows. will head to the root of all 'stick-out-in-a-crowd' evil. what do i do? do i let her homeschool herself through high school so that i can hide her from that? do i hold her close and keep her safe? my heart aches. Lil'K will head to second grade. at a school that i am not sure can handle or contain her. my little stick of dynamite in a bubble gum wrapper. my child who rapid cycles so quickly between happy and rage. second grade where kids start to find lifelong friends. where strange things set you apart. weird actions can begin to determine your status. where kids get labeled weird and strange and crazy. what do i do? do i move to find a therapeutic day school that can suit her? my heart aches. i am 36 and have done the same job since 1996. but i can no longer work in that job because i am not degreed or certified. approaching 40 i will have to change careers if i plan on ever making enough money for us to survive. to live. what do i do? move? pick up everything and change? jobs? homes? latitude? my heart aches.
even with the ache. even with the pain. everything will be ok. because this is life. this life that we think bends us till we break. this is what it is. it is pain. it is joy. it is more importantly finding the joy midst the pain. not being scared. releasing the fear. people in this life that are happy...that walk around with a smile. that is their secret. they have released the fear. they have accepted. and now...i find myself in the middle of it. another step.
my mid life acceptance.
i will accept that things are not always fun. or happy. or even sane. i will accept that there will be pain. but i will try to find the joy. i will accept that sometimes people need a change in latitude. to fix their attitude. and that very well may be what ends up happening.