Just the ramblings of a crazy Mom of two beautiful girls (and YaYa to many children that I adore) navigating through my snafu'd life. This blog is my way of 'clearing the cobwebs' and trying to maintain my sanity.
I have a chaotic life full of kids, rebuilding after our house burnt, coffee, my best girls, mornings in my breezeway, blogging, a full time job, screaming kids, laundry, remodeling, Asperger's/OCD Big'K, mowing, taking the trash out, Bipolar w/psychosis and RAD Lil'K, a crazy family, more kids thrown in the mix, bad plumbing, laughing until I pee my pants, electrical malfunctions, and everything else the Big G thinks He needs to throw at me on this ride we call life, all the while trying to survive being a single mother. Because let's face it...every day that I wake up, I am outnumbered!
Well you have to love blogger. I had an entire post. It was beautiful. Then I updated and added some pictures from my phone app and BOOM. The entire thing was gone. So now I get to try to redo it. Ugh. Such beautiful writing. GONE. It is such a downer when you have spent time writing a post. And then it is just gone. When something like that happens I find it hard to find my words again. To say things in the way I had, when I was in the groove. So I will try again.
Yay for the new year.
It is that time again. A new beginning. When the year starts over. Things change. New adventures are on the horizon. I went back and read my last "new year" post. It was two years ago. So much has happened since then.
Over 20 years of anger, sadness, resentment, fear and negative feelings were let go. I had a 'breakthrough'. I finally learned to get past some of the things that have haunted me and held me hostage emotionally for so long. Doing that opened up so many possibilities. Did I find that girl? The one buried deep inside me? Nope. Not yet. But she is there. I have heard her whisper. I have seen a glimpse of her. So I know it is possible. I mean realistically I know she can never come back the way she was. We have been through too much. So she has changed. But to get even half of that back. Half of the old me ... it would be tremendous. And I am working on it. The breakthrough helped. Shaking the depression. Moving past the PPD. Still struggling some days. But way way WAY better. I guess so long as the movement is in a forward progression - things are good.
The past is the past. It does not always help to look back. That can hinder things. But only if you are stuck there. I think looking back helps. It helps you to decide how to shape your future. Which direction to go in. How to not make the same mistakes again. To chose differently. Here is a little glimpse into how our little world has changed over the last two years.
Lil'K has been through a diagnosis, is in the middle of receiving another one and has gone through a hand full of medicine changes. We are beginning to see some progress. Not as many angry days and way more emotionally stable days. I do not feel like I am being held hostage as often. She has found her inner cleaning diva. She loves to clean. It is usually a good indicator that she is having an up day. She will clean and rearrange my house room by room. I do have to say I can totally appreciate that little bug. Thank Big G someone in our little trio has the cleaning bug. She is still struggling in school. Not educationally, but socially. And it will begin to get to a point that the troubles will spill over into her school work if we cannot get it under control. Three months into the new year she will be 8. I forget sometimes that she is still just a baby. She is growing up so fast. So much of I have missed, even though I have been right here. The emotional issues have overshadowed her growth. The parts I should be enjoying. Turned so many occasions into disasters. Killed the joy and brought in anger, frustration and the desire to just run. To be so small she has enough demons in her tiny little head to level the most stable adult. I forget....she is my baby. We will get there. I know we will. Her hair has gone from curls to her waist to a pixie cut above her ears. She loves it. I miss the curls. It makes her look grown. I just want to rewind time and make her my little girl again.
Big'K has moved from junior high to high school. Beginning the transition into young woman. Learning to embrace her Asperger's ... both the gifts and the challenges. She is looking forward to college and already scouting where she wants to be after high school. She is so smart. And has such a bright future ahead of her, if she can only grasp the tools she needs in order to make that future happen. The young woman she is becoming is so special. It makes my heart smile. Her interest in anime is still strong and we are looking forward to hitting up A-Con in Dallas this year. Her responsibility at home is growing and she is taking it in stride. And learning so much. My heart aches at the prospect of her leaving home and not being able to take care of herself. So there are tons of learning opportunities of 'home ec' that we are exploring at home. Laundry. Dinner. Proper hygiene. It is a struggle at times, but she is getting there. I am just so proud of her. And similiar to Lil'K, I just want to rewind time and make her little again.
All in all our little world has been rocked in the last two years, but we are moving forward. This new year gives us the chance to change things. For me personally, bringing back that old girl. Write more because it helps me internally. Take more time for myself. Love who is inside, even if I do not like her very much. To concentrate more on my finances. To teach my girls how to handle money and the proper way to spend/save. Lessons we could all use. Take a hard look at who we are and love those people. Deal with the past and work through it in a positive manner. Take time to become closer. Appreciate our family, both my trio and the cousins that we have become so close to over the last few years. Embrace the bad times. Make happy memories. Be a better mother. Help the earth that we live on, and the people that inhabit it. Learn to live with each other. Accept our faults. Praise our differences. Grow emotionally. Do more good in the world. Spread joy. Learn patience. Bring peace to those around us. Look at the world, all of the people in it and learn to just love it - no matter what it throws at us.
My wishes are simple this year.
Peace, joy, light and love. Positive growth.
I wish you all a Happy New Year and a Fabulous New
May we all be blessed with more happiness, less
grief, tons of love and the joy of finding ourselves!
Just a mom of two kids. Big K and Lil K. Who make me loco on a daily basis. I have a ton of other kids that call me 'YaYa'. They are my 'stray cats' as my great aunt refers to them. Once you start feeding them they won't go away...and apparently i'm a great cook!
The things I say will not always make sense. I am funny. I am sarcastic. I am educated. (Sometimes I forget this and the ghettoredneckcoonass comes out. I cannot help it. Hushitup!) I am a smartass. I do not sleep a lot. I may be off color at times. I am also harmless. You may not get my style and that is not my fault. This blog is not meant to be anything other than my thoughts. What I say belongs to me and at the end of the day...it's just words. Get over yourself. If you are offended, go away. You have been warned...