I get it. The whole meaning of it. The point is that you do not always see it at the time.
I saw it. I just did not push as hard, or say the right things, or keep asking until I got the answer I was needing.
I know time cannot be reversed. Big G knows if it could I would change a ton of things. At least on some days.
Today I would change something; I would have pushed more or tried harder. Gotten on that plane. Any plane. Way back when and just showed up. I wonder what it would have changed. If anything. I try to believe that there is a plan. That everything happens as it should. That does not mean I have to like it. It does not mean that I do not have the right to get angry sometimes. I am allowed to get jealous. Just a bit. I also try to not dwell too much on the 'what ifs', but I cannot help it. All I keep thinking is for all this heartache I have had to go through in the last 13 years, there better be something awesome up ahead. I understand needing to go through the shit to get to the shine.
I do not understand, however, the need for heartbreak. Maybe because I always seem to be right in the middle of it. Maybe that is why I do not see the need for it. That and it hurts. Maybe I am more sensitive than even I realize. Maybe I fall too hard sometimes. I say sometimes...but there have really only been three.
*My Knight In Shining Armor. The one that still makes my heart hurt. The one that I should have told the truth to. But I did not. And now, he is gone. And I am not the only one that was hurt by that. I still cry when I think of you. And so does she. You left behind too many. And the little ones really needed you. I could have lived forever with the fact you were not mine...had you just stayed here. And not left.
*Delta. That was too much time lost. Hoping for something that you could not give to me. I can see you now. We are friends. I can appreciate it. I do not want to throw up when I see you anymore. My heart does not hit my stomach. When I look at you I just see a friend.
*Mr. Bubbles. Yeah I know. You are probably laughing at that. I can say I did not mean to fall. I really did not. And I know you did not mean for things to turn out the way they did. I know you cannot undo it either. I do not want you to. I am just wounded. It will get better.
But those three have lasted for the last 13 years. And it ends the same every time...heartache. I am left not getting the one I want. It is really beginning to get old. Should I pick better? Not let myself fall? Then I run the risk of shutting myself off. Like I have done so many times in the past. After each heartache comes a shut down period. And then it happens again. The fall. I am not sure what I have done. Or did not do. Why it is I that obviously has to go through so many heartaches. I do know there will not be much left of my heart to give when all this is over. When will it be over?
Because I am so ready. For anything. Just something wonderful. Not the tears.
This weekend was awesome. I laughed and had fun. I was good. No broken drought. I was looking so forward to it. I was ready for the fact that at the end of it all....it still was not mine. I was not ready for how hard it ended up being. For the fact that I had to stop, in the parking lot, and catch my breath. I was not ready for the hurt feelings. For the green monster to show up. I was not ready for the tears that rushed out of me. For the heaving breaths and sobbing. I was not ready to face that fact I thought I had prepared for. It is not fair. I know, life is not fair. I get it. But it still does not sting any less. I know you are sorry for all of it. In turn, I am sorry too that you even had to be in it all. I do not know if you wish it would have turned out different. Maybe that is the answer I am looking for. I do. But that is because I was the one that lost. You see, you still won. Well not on all fronts, but for the most part you won. You gained two great things, even though in my opinion you lost out on one. Me. Me? I lost. And it sucks. And it is not fair. I have no regrets. I do not wish I would have stayed home. I am glad I went. It was a long time coming. It was overdue. I was glad it happened. And not another 8 years passing by. I do not want to reverse that.
You were everything I had imagined over all those years you would have been. You were funny, adorable, kinder than I had imagined, and so many more things. The one thing you were not and will never be...was mine. That...I want to reverse.
I am a big girl. I must put the panties on and deal. But right now, I just want to process it. I will get over it. I have to. There is no other choice. Fair or not, it is what it is. And everything will be fine. I will shut down. And come back.
I do not wish it did not happen. The whole way home I wished that things would have happened. That you would have told me my feelings were not mine only. That if you could do it differently you would have. That you wish you could reverse it. But I am not even sure if you wish those things. I wished you would have just touched me. But I probably would have cried...and well...it would have been wrong. I know that. But I wish you would have. That for the weekend it could have been mine. It would have just made things even harder. Harder than they already were. And I do not want that. For either of us. The problem is with all the things I wished, it would not have changed anything. It would have made my heartache worse.
My wishes are over. I will accept things the way they are. And get over it. This is part of me processing it. I will be fine. I just wanted to wallow a bit. And get it off my head.
The funny thing is when I got on the road and turned on my iPod...the first song that played after I hit shuffle was:
">Guess what song?