i have been invited in. to a secret club. it is very exclusive. some people know about it. but most do not. the way in is through initiation. a long cruel journey. littered with rage. fear. anxiety. fighting. sadness. grief. no one asks to be in this club. it just happens. and in the beginning you are not even aware of the club. you just think you have stumbled off into hell. you cannot control what is happening. it is almost like a possession. and you are stuck. just watching. this creature you love. that you made. that grew in you. that is a part of you. suffer. and in a way it really is hell. and you realize it is not really a stumble...more of a face plant.

almost a year to date. last fall. my youngest, at the tender age of 6, was diagnosed with a mood disorder and general psychosis. and in the last month we have found the answer. or at least part of the answer. she is bipolar. yes. my now seven year old is bipolar. and there is a good chance that there is some other type of psychosis laying in wait as well.

'Ms. Loco, your daughter is bipolar'

i cried when the doctor said those words. not because i was sad. because i was relieved. because she followed with the best thing a stranger had ever said to me. 'YOU are not a bad mother. YOU are not wrong. there is something wrong. your daughter is sick. YOU have done nothing wrong. YOU are doing the best you can. hang in there. we will fix this'. i had heard those words countless times from the BFF. and i knew she was telling the truth. but when you do not know what is wrong you always second guess yourself. but finding out. it was a weight. lifted. i was not shocked. it made so much sense after all we have been through. i had been doing my own research as well. i searched boards and walls. websites on bipolar children. read other parents stories. saw my child in so many others. read what worked and did not work. i read the CFR on what her school is required to do. and all of that was before the diagnosis. i knew. i knew something was wrong. and i already suspected bipolar. i started an ARD. today we filed for social security disability. i know other parents who go through the same thing. i read up on meds. and therapy. i did my homework. because i want to fight for her. even though there are days that all it seems i do is fight her. she is medicated and it is working. for now. there are still bad days. and there are still really bad days. the triggers are without end. one simple 'no' over the smallest thing can mean a ruined day. a buggy full of groceries left in the grocery store because the wrong cereal was put in the basket. a tantrum so bad that you can see the looks on strangers faces. deciding if they should call 911 or CPS on you. because they do not realize at that point you have barely been holding it together for the last 10 hours. because it has been hell. the screaming. kicking. spitting. falling down on the ground. breaking things. hucking things across the room. it gives waking up on the wrong side of the bed a whole new meaning. they do not realize that you have to raise your voice. you have to be stern. because yes, calm is better. but in the middle of a meltdown calm just does not work sometimes. they see a curly headed child who was two isles over entertaining everyone while singing Shirley Temple songs. 'On the good ship Lollypop...' all smiles and giggles. whose mom is now almost in a panic. who has her hands around fragile arms. gripping her child as if someone was trying to snatch her from her arms. with tears streaming down her face. like a wild animal. searching for the exit. and you can tell the strangers are worried. but not for her. because to them she looks like the monster. they do not realize she is trying to save her. the daughter. as well as her own sanity.

my daughter is a rapid cycler. she can go from breakdown to perfect child. Rosemary to Shirley Temple. two, three sometimes five or six times in a single day. read that again. one. single. day. there are days when it is good. all day. and days like today when she has been triggered for the last 48 hours. and just seems able to flip the switch at light speed. walking on egg shells. us. not her. because a day without Rosemary rearing her head is a great fucking day. a day without mom breaking down and crying in public is a great fucking day. the other days...well they are hell. and it will never stop. it will never go away. it is not just a cold. it is mental illness. and it is scary. even more so in a child.

i cannot hide anymore. you see i have kept this side of her away from so many. most of my family never really knew there was a problem. we would exit stage left at the very first glimpse of trouble in her eyes. me always looking like the ass that left the family get together early. no one wanted to hear me say there was something wrong with her. nope. it was just a kid being a kid. acting up. bad parenting. well you are wrong. THIS is not MY fault. my child is sick. and i know you do not get it. but i will not sugar coat it any longer. i have been strong. and i have fallen. and gotten back up. and fallen again. and i will continue to repeat those steps. but i will not avert my eyes any longer. i will not let the fear of strangers' gazes make me leave.

i will keep fighting. for her. and sometimes with her. but i am fighting.

i have been quite absent this year. things have been hectic. i thought i would update my two readers though. Lil'K has been struggling so much lately. i am sure i have covered some of this but my mind is being consumed by menopause and general motherness. so i will recap.

Lil'K hit the terrible twos stage. and she never seemed to come out of it. ever. things got progressively worse. in pre-k she was more or less 'kicked out'. she was way ahead of everyone else and it was only half a day. which really caused a lot more problems than it solved. kindergarten was difficult. her teacher has been there forever. but she still loves the kids. she is a good teacher. just not a good fit for my child. i really just hoped that first grade would be better. more to learn. well it has been a nightmare. i have had to miss at least a dozen days of work to pick her up. she gets to the point they cannot handle her. she hates the counselor. which is not good. she loves her teacher but where we live they switch classes in the first grade. so she technically has three teachers. her main teacher she loves with all her heart. one of the other teachers she rarely has trouble with. but the third. she is young. very young. and new. and in my opinion has no idea how to control anything other than normal children. so my daughter has been a hassle. the administration has no idea what to do with her. and to top it off we do live in a small district. i have a friend that is local to me. she has two boys. almost the same age as my girls. they are both special needs. she has been a huge help to me. i initiated an ARD. i even pulled out the code of federal regulation and read the entire section on what school districts legally have to do. they were slightly dragging their feet, as they have quite a bit of time to get things accomplished. well, low and behold, Lil'K had a full on crazy fit. soooo things got sped up a little bit. let me back up a bit. after i had her i suffered BAD from postpartum depression. so for the longest time i thought her behavior was my fault. it got to a boiling point about six years ago. she was throwing one of her tantrums that she is known for, and i decided to just walk away. a whole ten feet into the kitchen. my house is pretty open so she was just behind me. in the living room. doing her rolling on the floor and growling that makes her famous. then started the kicking. i could still hear the growling and humming. so things were on track. maybe this one would not last as long. i took a minute to glance back at her, as i was doing at least every minute or so and...oh. my. Big G. she had the vacuum cleaner cord around her neck. and was pulling. this was the last straw. that week i made an appointment with our local MHMR. i do not have insurance and her sperm donor has never carried it on her. they got us in pretty quick due to her trying to self injure. she has been medicated. and we have made the appointments. but money is tight. and between the meds and the appointments it is getting a little tight. now enter the school stuff. she did her cognitive testing and of course she is way above average. which i already knew. she had her psych eval yesterday. the doctor actually called me. on my cell phone. i could not believe it. they usually do not do that. we had a very long conversation. she is thinking bipolar. but there may be something else underneath. i always knew it. but hearing it is something else. i cried. but then thought about it. knowing is half the battle. it gives you a direction to head in. it gives you something. so we will continue on. the next step is getting her report. and having to go to the board. to see what services they will offer her. she will not need to many services. but they can be creative with her. help her. and learn how to make things easier for her at school. that is all i can hope for. the days are hard. it will be hard. but it will be something we can get through.

once it sets in that the girl who was not even sure she wanted kids has in the matter of six months became the mother to two special needs children. things happen.

... thank you Oasis. i think i will.

sometimes i forget that i miss a song. you see my life is music. i can hear a song and tell you where i was. how old i was. who i was hanging with. what mood i was in. my life has a soundtrack. so maybe music is my life? either way, music has shaped me. and i forget how many songs i know. and love. until i hear it. on the radio, on pandora, on facebook, on youtube...or in my head. that random song that can make a tear fall or a laugh bust through. that song that makes me hug a kid, call someone or remember those that have past. today will be full of songs. today is a good day. i felt a glimpse of the old me. when i woke up at 5 and did not lay back down. i made a pot of coffee and enjoyed it in the silence of the morning. while the moon was still up. greeting me with her bright face. telling me today was a good day. good friday to be exact. so far....great friday. i feel a tinge. the old me. the one that could handle a day. that could manage a smile that was not forced. sing along and bounce around to music. sweet beautiful music. filling the house and overflowing outside. the doors wide open. the A/C off. fans whirring. the blender roaring. making me think of summer. but glad the heat is not here yet. then a song. another one. that makes me jump around until i am out of breathe and laughing until tears fall. my kids smiling, knowing that the 'old' mom is back. Lil'K not remembering this mom. just hearing of her. catching a stolen glimpse. Big'K giving a random hug. because she remembers. that is the only mom she knew until the baby brought the dreaded PPD. but today, that mom is here. and out. i love these days. it reminds me that i am still here. that i can come back. that there are good days. and those days are worth holding on for. then a song. one that reminds me of one that is gone. one that i loved. that i miss. that in the end was not mine. then seeing a gesture or an expression on a face that reminds me part of them is still here. alive and walking around. because everything gone is not always gone. it is simply not here. right now. the sweet taste of fruit and honey in my drink makes me smile. good memories. then a song. one that reminds me of my friends. the ones i have met as an adult. mostly my mighty BFF. the one that keeps me together inside. that loves my kids as her own. that holds my hand in ant piles, picks me up out of the shower, and dances in the kitchen with me when cooking. then a song. one that reminds me of marching in black boots that break my feet. carrying green sacks on my back, and a black weapon in my hands. matching in some weird fashion way. keeping time with our feet while our mouths bark out rhymes. meant to inspire. encourage. rebuild. reshape. rethink. those friends. that become like family. the ones you can talk to a decade later and never miss a beat. that beat. in your head always. then a song. that reminds me i am a mother. a sister. a friend. a lover (although not recently). a daughter. a cousin. i am so many things. have been so many things. then a song that makes me remember i have three dozen eggs to dye. dishes in the sink. laundry spinning in the washer. tumbling in the dryer. a bank account short on money. meds to give. kids to hug. a life to live. even when it is not all sunshine and rainbows. storms cause rainbows. you just have to weather them to get there.

then a song...

that reminds me today is a happy day.

and i will take it.