It's the most wonderful time of the year...

For the longest time I was scrooged at Christmas time. I just could not get into the spirit. Do not get me wrong, I loved the faces of my children opening gifts. The smell of the yummy baked goodies. Wonderful food at every house we visited. Gifts waiting for each of us. Celebrating the birth of sweet Baby J. The sights, sounds, smells and more importantly the reason were not lost on me.

I think the slow decent into Scroggery happened over the years. No one thing in particular. There was no straw that broke the reindeer's back. It just kind of... became. I will say that the commercial influence has contributed. Christmas crap in stores before Halloween is over. Music blaring before the turkey has been carved. These things have hurt Christmas for me.

This year money is tight, as is usually the case in my house. Single mom. Two kids. One paycheck family. And a fackin partridge in a burning bush. Or something like that. It just never seems to add up. Especially during the holidays. This year both of my children have three...count them, THREE gifts from me/Santa. I was a bit bummed. Then I checked my mail and my other mother (mother of The Surgeon) sent three boxes. Filled with gifts of varying sizes and shapes all neatly wrapped in their Christmas joy. Those three boxes meant the world. As they do every year. And every year I forget they are coming until they get here. This is a new thing. You see, The Surgeon is Lil'K's Godmother. 'Tse Nan as she has been affectionately coined in our world. Most of my family is Cajun. MahRah is Godmother in the cajun language. And she is small. So 'Tse is added to that. Most GM's in our family are Nan, NanNan, MahRah, Nanny or 'Tse Nan. She is a surgeon, hence the nickname, and at this point has no children. She was beyond delighted that she was titled with Lil'K's Godmother. In our family, your Nan is very important. There is always a bond there between them and the child. So a couple of years ago we started heading up to the Big D (Dallas for those of you NOT from the greatest state in the nation) and spending time during Christmas with my 'other' family. The last two years we have not been able to make it, and Mother of The Surgeon has sent packages. I cannot begin to tell you how appreciated it is. This year it made all the difference.

The fact that my children are only getting three things was really not what bummed me, as they have enough. And we are all well aware that there are millions out there with much less. It is just that I cannot give my children everything that I want to. That is what bums me out. But I am still happy with this year. I am OK. This year, the first time in many years, The Scrooge did not hit me. I was actually happy to see the holiday season slide in. So happy in fact, that my tree went up way before it usually does. I have friends whose tree goes up the day after Thanksgiving. Any given year we are lucky if ours goes up a week before Christmas. This year, I was all kinds of on top of the tree business. I did notice though, that this will probably be the last year for this particular tree. It is leaning. And in general just old. All of our ornaments are either handmade throughout the school years by the kids, or wooden ornaments that the three of us have painted. I love my little ghetto Charlie Brown tree. It is very fitting. Next year we will have to upgrade I fear.

I have made a decision this year, even with the un-Scrooged heart and Christmas present miracle. Next year I believe we are going on a trip. I have great memories of Christmas as a child. But the center of those memories would be the togetherness of my family. Not the presents, tree or even the food. It was that we were all together. I just feel that maybe next year a trip might would serve us better. We rarely get out of the house, nonetheless the state. I think it would be a great change of pace. All together. For the holidays.

This holiday season will find us at over half a dozen houses. Logging more than 300 miles on my car. And tons of hand stamped cards. But it will be enjoyable. And happy. Full of family and loved ones. Great food. Badly sung Christmas songs. And most importantly, the Joy of being together.

I do hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. No matter how you celebrate, who or what you believe in and where you will be.

i have tried to stay out of it. i have tried to stay away from it. not have to read it. the pain. the senselessness. because i want to scream at people. because my verbal diarrhea may not be able to stop once it starts. because the words that want to come out of my mouth may not be nice. because it is hard to understand. i do not want my children to see the coverage. to have to explain why it makes mommies cry. why dropping them off this morning at school was so hard. why i have stayed off of my FB. because the posts are harsh. everyone attacking everyone else. and when something so horrible happens it seems those that need to grieve cannot get the chance. everyone jumps in from every angle. to dissect it. turn it around. point fingers. cast blame. why can we not take the time to just say we are sorry. to reach out and offer a shoulder. or share a tear. why does it always go back to the blame. the faults. i do not understand it. there are families that are hurting. parents who lost their children. and any day is horrible...but this close to Christmas is more painful. presents under trees. festivities planned. i could not imagine. and never want to.

this morning as Big'K walked to catch the bus i peeked out the blinds to make sure she was still standing there. the last words i said to her as she raced out the door were 'i love you'. just in case. dropping Lil'K off at school telling her the same thing. just in case. feeling like those needed to be the last words they heard. just in case. crying the entire way to work. hoping that my anxiety was just me being a mom. hoping that it would ease in the coming days. but knowing that right now it has a very firm hold on me. enough to make me take a second look out of the blinds and in my rear view at my children.

just in case.

those words make me cringe. they will keep me on edge until my fear subsides. and then we all sink back into our normal. but those families will never have a normal again. ever. all of those children who lost friends. the teachers who huddled in classrooms praying he did not make it to their room. the kids hiding while their teacher was shot. their families will forever be on edge. just in case. the unthinkable. it happens again. the fear will never leave them. neither will the anxiety.

feuds about gun control come out. if there were tighter gun control laws this would not have happened. people get up in arms about parents raising their children right. and 'right' is usually code for 'spanking' where i am from. whether praying at school is right. Big G in the hallways. taking Big G out of the education system caused this. reasons why leaving religion and education separate are better. debates on Big G. debates on mental illness. debates on autism. debates on single mothers and children of divorce. discussions on who is to blame. discussions on which guns are ok to own and which are not. how many bullets. enough bullets. not enough bullets. wrong kinds of bullets. sniper rifles. automatic guns. assault rifles. politicians rant and rave. television and print rushing to get the big scoop. or the first dibs on the latest news. statistics come out. again and again. people rush to attack. to blame. to point fault. everyone forgetting that this thing...these things... are people. children. babies. that have died. a brutal death. horrible death. instead of stopping and just shutting the hell up. sending condolences. saying you are sorry for their loss. doing something. other than sitting high and mighty upon their chair shouting statistics. harmful blame. fucking. do. something. ensure the nation that you know it needs to change. but right now...it needs to mourn. and grieve. and be sad. and quiet. just quiet.

the only thing we as a nation should hear after such a tragedy is love. hope. encouragement. sorrow. mourning. patience. and more love.

i have friends that are saying things that shock me. things that make me cringe. things that have kept me off of FB and out of the social media ring. because i do not want to be 'that' person. the one that explodes. that loses her schmidt. drops her basket. goes karaaazy. times like these make me happy i do not have t.v. but even without t.v. news is everywhere. and with all this access and increased exposure it is the negativity that reigns supreme. and it is sad.

these are the things i know. whether they are opinions, lessons learned, things taken from my life or even actual educated facts.

- autism is not a mental illness. but an autistic child may have a secondary issue that is a mental illness. i will not say that autistic children are not violent. they can be. i will not say that they could not concoct a plan such as the one that happened. autism is a spectrum. it is just as different at one end as the other. unless you are autistic you do not know what they are or are not capable of.
- just because you work with autistic children and during your time with them they are fine. you are not living with them day in and out. home is way different than what you see in your time with them. you never know what is happening at home. good or bad. so just because you work with them does not mean you totally understand.
- mental illness is not talked about enough. it is still looked at as shameful. and cursed. it is not brought into the light. it is looked at as bad parenting. well you know what? go to hell. i have a 7 year old that is bi-polar. and there is a good chance there are other things in there as well. my parenting? is just fine. and until you have raised a child with mental illness you can fuck off.
- gun laws only keep guns out of the hands of the good. the bad will always find a way to get what they want. and who cares if i have an arsenal in my freaking basement. you know what? my children know how to use guns. they are fearful of them. and educated about them. i grew up with guns. and even in my teen angst never thought to grab one and hurt someone. i drove to school where one out of every three trucks had a gun rack FILLED with guns. still loaded. and no one ever shot anyone. because we were educated about guns. we knew what they did. to living things. at our hands. not on the computer or television.
- someone who wants to be violent will find a way. whether it is a car, a bomb, a knife, guns, drugs, alcohol, biologic weapons. they will find a way.
- yes, guns do make it easier to hurt others. it is a simple squeeze of a trigger. a knife would take longer. a bomb goes wider and is more destructive. a car driven through the front door would have killed too. just because it is easier does not mean it will be their only option.
- when someone runs over someone else the car company is not expected to be on the red line. i know. guns do not kill people. "but guns in the hands of people kill people". you are right. just as a keyboard at a computer does not kill anyone. but one jacked up fucker on one end and you have a 14 year old hanging their self in the closet. a weapon can be anything. think i am being ridiculous? i was in the military. i bet i could take you out with about a dozen different things right here in my cubicle at work. not because i am violent, but because i have been trained to use objects other than their intended purpose. i am not a killer. this three hole punch is not a killer. but it is a weapon.
- raising your child 'right' is different for everyone. i do not care if you spank. i do not care if you time out. so long as there is not abuse you need to do what works for your child and your family.
- taking Big G out of the schools did not cause this. i believe. but i have tons of friends that do not. ya know what? who facking cares. pray if you wanna pray. do not if you do not. everyone is different. so let them be. let us try something different...taking the respect out of school has contributed. how about them apples? respect. and proper public behaviour. there ya go. chew on that one for a minute.

this whole thing makes me angry. just plain ass angry. so i have stayed out of it. because i am an aries. and i am emotional. and all i really wanna scream is for everyone to just shut the fuck up. especially those on t.v. and in media. shut up. and say you are sorry. send out words of sympathy. debate another day.

and be quiet.

Below are my thankful posts. I chose to post to my facebook instead of doing daily blogs here. It was just easier to post there. I have compiled all my days of thanks posts into this one blog post. I have had to go through and edit to keep identities anonymous. As on fb I just tagged everyone. Most of my friends do not know about my blog. I have not written anything that would offend them, but I still try to keep my words here separate from my life there. Matter of fact that is something I have been struggling with. Do I keep them separate? I am wanting to grow here and get bigger and eventually that will lead to IRL friends stumbling upon my little snafu'd world here. Which really, anyone with any kind of stalking ability could have already found me. And they have, but family and close friends are different than trolls. Anysecretidentity, during my thankful time there was a period where the entire freaking family had the death plague. Which was NO fun. We had a couple of get togethers with the cousins. And just in general my life played out through my thankful posts. I stopped on Turkey Day as opposed to the end of the month. We got busy and then my internets tanked.  I hope you enjoy. And that you had just as much to be thankful for...

And it starts----
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OK. I am a day late on my November gratitude. 

Yesterday ... I am thankful that both of my children are in school and I have a job...us being separated for the day saves my sanity.

Today...I am thankful for my right and freedom to vote. Without being harassed (other than on Facebook by the BNB clan) or suicide bombed on my way to the polls. 
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Day 3 - I am thankful for my best friends. Yeah. That's plural. I am so thankful that I have more best friends than most people have acquaintances.
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Day 4 - today i am thankful that i have a car. That i can afford to pay for...most of the time. That runs and gets me where i need to go. That keeps me safe. I am thankful for easy to wipe off seats ...especially when the bottle of chocolate milk that my child shoved under the seat explodes making me scream like a little girl and check myself for bullet holes.
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Day 5 - today I am thankful for attitude. Yep. You heard right. I would much rather hear it to my face than walk around thinking everything is fine...and it is not. 

Brought to you by Lil'K
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I would like to do a Night 5 post. 

I am thankful for working in hospitals. Whose labs and walk-across-the-hall-to-the-e.r.-back-door, combined with the latest kit test invention allowed me to self diagnose and get treated within minutes. Which service i would be using right now to determine if what i am suffering from at this moment is infact death. Or the plague. Stomach aids. Or rhinitonsilsno

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Day 6 - Today I am thankful for my right to vote. Which I have already done. Have you?

On a side note I do not care who you vote for. Just vote. That is what is important. Also...I am so. freaking. glad. this will all be over. I never knew how crappy some of my friends on fb could be until this election season was upon us. I do hope that you don't show the same crappiness if your candidate loses.




i have laid in bed since i got home early from work yesterday. Other than my trip for more gatorade, cough drops and depends. If you have to ask why that combo...then you obvs have a normal bladder. I am still running a fever. Freezing to death and burning up. My brain feels like it may explode and all i want is for it to stop. To add insult to injury everyone on fb have lost their minds.
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I am totally regretting my dinner choice. And the fact that my tums are MIA is not helping.

P.S. I will totally be thankful for sleep and give the sandman his dues if I could get some sleep tonight. Just saying.



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night 10 - i am thankful for my shows. When i am feeling down or alone or hopeful or happy or even like singing...and i look and there is a new episode. And it makes me happy. For that episode everything else in this world fades. And there is just...happy.
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Day 11 - Today I am thankful for my time in the Army. I am thankful for each and every person I met and friend I made. These are people that I could depend on for anything. There were some great times and tough times shared, even though they seem like forever ago. I am a better person for knowing each and every one of you. Thank you for giving your time. Making a conscience decision to sign up and
























Night 19 - I am thankful for made from scratch German chocolate cake and icing. Yummy!!!!!!!

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Day 20 - Today I am thankful for vacation time. The next four days are going to be awesome!!!! Filled with tons of food, family, and friends. THOSE are the best times. And the biggest things to be thankful for.

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Day 21 - Today I am thankful for LOVE. For that old love your great aunt has in her voice when she talks about her sweetheart long gone. For young love that sends teenagers into the giggles. Long lost love that was rekindled. The fierce love of a mother for her children. The giddy love that makes you call your closest of close and let them know you are engaged. For love between friends and family. The love that only your soul mate knows. Puppy love. Guncle love. Every love.

ALL you need is love.

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Night 21 - Heading to bed after a great day. I am so so so thankful for the many ways I am blessed. Tomorrow is going to be awesome. Looking forward to seeing friends, family, food and football. Four of my five favorite F words.
 
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I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. We all have so much to be thankful for, even in some of the darkest hours. I sincerely hope each and every one of you have a wonderful day. If you have the luxury of being with family and friends today enjoy it. If you have to work, I have been there and I appreciate what you do so that I can enjoy my day. I am blessed to have my family and friends in my life. I know I may bitch a lot...but I am happy and each one of you has a part in that. LOVE you all.

To all my friends overseas who cannot be home with their families, YOU are the reason we are able to do all of these wonderful things. THANK YOU. You are missed and thought about often.

i am actually participating in a month of thankful. the only difference is...i am doing it through my facebook. when my month is over i will copy paste everything over here into one big ass blog post of thankful.

and yes. i am still alive. this last few months have been very .... testing. to say the least. we have had ARDs and BIPs and 'pick this crazy kid up from school because we cannot handle her ass' days. and then i had the virus "death brain cough up my spleen 104 fever i am gonna freaking meet my maker" virus. you know the one. for an entire week. i am still not quite back to where i am normally. actually today i am feeling a little bleck. nothing in particular stands out. just not right.

i have still been reading. faithfully. just have not really posted. i am seriously trying to change that. i have this problem though. i know so many great bloggers that will jot notes or do a message to their voicemail for ideas on posts. well see, my head is always full of great posts. but when the head is churning things out... my ability to sit down and blog is not always there. i have tried to pull out my nifty phone and record my words as they are flowing from the noggin. but when i go back and try to make it into a post, the feelings are gone. and so much of my writing is based on the feeling at that time. the funny, the sad, the silly. that is where my inspiration comes from. my feelings. that is where most of my posts come from. whatever i am feeling at that time. or not feeling as the case may be.

i want to be a better writer. i am a good writer. i know this. i have been. and i am not being crappy. but i want to be a blogger. maybe that is the proper statement to make. when i started this blog i did not care about numbers. about visits. and people reading. i still really kind of do not. i could care less if i only had three regular visitors. but i do like knowing that other people are reading. maybe even commenting. so i have been trying harder to share on twitter. i do not share on my facebook because that is a more 'people i know in the now' space. and this is more of a ... get shit out of my head space. and i do not always want the same people reading both areas. but i have been trying to drive a little more traffic my way. and it has been working. i just really wanna do a couple of blogging conventions. meet some of these wonderful people i read. learn from them. but that requires finances...that i obvs as a single mom do not have. but i will work on it. seriously for next year.

for now. you will all just have to deal with the drivel that i manage to plunk out on any given day. and i do appreciate you reading.

i really really do.

i consider myself a fairly new blogger. i have only been at it a few years. i have found tons of bloggers that i love. i look forward to reading every day. i log into my reader and see they have a post and get happy. i think this blogging world gives us a chance to connect to people we not normally have the opportunity to know. the blogosphere is full of all types. there are superstars. and newbies. foodies, crafters and general home makers. those that have spoken about things that are taboo. mental illness is exposed. differences are celebrated. women (and men) can help. take control. change the outcome of issues. bloggers have become a tool. and not the losertypetool. the tool that can build, change and repair. one of the things that goes hand in hand with bloggers are conferences. there are many types. specific genres. specific areas. large. small. everything in between. i have thought about going to a couple. even bought tickets. airfare. and everything that goes with the package. then the money issue hit. as it always does. and i had to sell off the tickets, refund my airfare and let go of the experience that was to be my first conference. 

i was devastated. upset. i had been so excited about it. but it always seems to be the money. there is also the matter of kids. leaving them is hard. but there are things that are worth it. meeting these ladies. the bloggers. what a great way to further your blog. whether or not you have a 'brand'. or a mission. just meeting these other kindred souls in the wide world of blogs in person. hearing their stories. that experience. learning the ropes. being pulled in and loved and shown the way. making connections. i was going to miss all of this.

i am not a big blogger. i am just now getting what i consider decent traffic. which to a 'serious' blogger is a drop in the bucket. but i want to change that. i want to grow.  i am a single mother. with two children. one of which is Asperger's and another is bi-polar. blogging is my outlet. whether or not anyone is listening. it is a place for me to connect with other bloggers. to share stories. triumphs. defeats. and everything in between. and i love my small space. i just feel that one of the best ways for me to grow is to attend a conference. to get in those circles. and learn from those that i look up to.

then something came up on the radar. but it was different. a conference. but not. a non conference. maybe this is more my speed. and low and behold...it is coming from one of my favorite bloggers. anissa. i have watched her struggles. i read her blog and was her fan before the strokes. before her triumph. while she was still kicking her beautiful baby's cancer in the taco. someone i have followed for so long. oh could i squeak it? would it be possible?!? oh hey there is a discount. yay! but with the driving. and the room, even with the discount, with food and someone to keep the kids. it just adds up. looks like it is going to be another bomb out. heartbroken again. but hey. what is this? sponsorship? yessss. by The Pioneer Woman and Simply Sassy Media Network. how great. you see. here is the deal. all you have to do is write about why you want it. why you should get it. 

but why do i want it? simply...for the connection. the advice. the wisdom. 
why should i get it? because you would be giving an opportunity to someone who would love it. and cherish it. and give it big squishy hugs. 

these conferences...or non-con's as the case may be... are a tool. one that i would love to have in my arsenal. and because it calls to me. pushes me to want more. and grow more. share more. connect more. be more. 

funny how a little round table time with amazing women can do that huh?

yesterday was a day. in some ways it was a good day. in other ways it was a bad day. the BFF is in town. which already made it a good weekend. i was looking forward to my Friday. because i knew that i would get to spend some time with her. and the kids would get to see each other. it has been a while and everyone has been wanting to see each other.

the down part of the day is that i had an appointment with the car dealership for my car friday morning. i had been arguing with them about the issue i was having. you see, i loathe my local dealership(LD). it is not my selling dealership(SD). their customer service is for shit. they always talk to me like i am stupid. they are horribly unaccommodating. rude. not sympathetic at all. just all around douchenuggets. i would much rather take my car to my selling dealership. they are so very nice. and everything else that the local is not. i wanted a loaner car while my car was in the shop. apparently no one does that anymore. and with my schedule heading to the selling dealership is not an option. they are an hour away. so i sucked it up after talking the both GM's of the dealerships and just made an appointment. it was at 9 in the morning. have i mentioned i am not a morning person? ok good. on the same page.

THE DEALERSHIP DEBACLE
i made it to the dealership a little early. which was fine. i just surfed the internet on my phone and visited with the BFF. i walked into the service department at 10 minutes till and went ahead and had them start pulling up my information. this was the beginning of the end. i go sit in the waiting area (because without a loaner i cannot leave) and grab a magazine. after about three minutes the guy comes out and tells me that my car is not under warranty. and shows me a paper that says  my powertrain warranty had expired at 60,000 miles. which only happens if you buy your car used. which i did not. buying it new would earn you a 100,000 mile warranty. i tell him i bought it new. it had 87 miles on it. most of which i put on it test driving it. well the paper says what it says so there is nothing he can do. so i follow him to his desk. well how are you pulling up the car? pull it up by the VIN# and see how it comes up. well we do not do it that way. we pull it up by vin + name + mileage. ok fine. but try just under the vin. nope. not gonna happen. so i go outside and get on the phone with the selling dealership. according to pedro at the local, only the selling dealership can contact the corporation right out to have something fixed. the SD  of course has never heard that. and are apologizing profusely for my troubles. the LD has had tons of complaints on them apparently. and the SD is very familiar with them. people drive the hour to get better service all the time. i head outside to talk on the phone and get everything straightened out. now...this is where my idea of customer service is horribly out of whack. in my opinion the right thing to do is to apologize for the trouble and offer to go on ahead and diagnose the car while i am trying to get everything straightened out. but do they? nope. not only do they not, they refuse to even touch the car until the find out if the powertrain is still covered. the SD offers to go ahead and diagnose it if i would like to drive out there. an hour. umm no. not today bucky. so i leave. while getting everything figured out i went ahead and brought my car to a local transmission shop. i thought that my trans was having trouble. my engine sounded like it was revving. not going into overdrive out of fourth gear. i am a woman. i have not worked on cars in a very long time. i am out of practice with car noises. give me some credit. while at the shop i found out that it was not my transmission after all. i had a bearing going out. great. so now not only is my car making a noise. it is actually unsafe to drive. yay. at this point the warranty issue is figured out. when the corporation entered my info they spelled my last name wrong. to which the woman responds that had they just looked it up by the vin, they would have seen my name sounded the same but was just mispelled. then we could have entered it in the wrong way and boom. things fixed. so i call pedro back and inform him that it is a bearing. ooooh he says. yeah. i know. i ask him can i just bring it back in today, nope. he can make me an appointment. for next tuesday. well that doesn't work for me. so next friday it is. which i am not happy about. because helloooooo my car is now a rolling death trap. whatever. i head home. to the BFF's house. where we decide to head to town to grab a few things. mostly minutes without five children running around.

THE RENTAL CAR
on our way to town we visited and she talked me down from all the car stress. we reveled in the fact that we were alone. no kids. and we giggled like only grown women who know how special having a best friend is can. while we were deciding where to head first i had slowed down coming up to a light that had turned from red to green. my foot was off the brake. but all of a sudden my car lurches. i look at her, did it just do that? well it did. but maybe i did have my foot on the brake. but i go ahead and turn right and head into a parking lot. that way if it was not me and my car really is missing up, i will not be on a road and get hit. after i get into the parking lot it does it again. great. so we go ahead and stop at the store we were heading for. go inside and get things handled. then head back out to the car. i decide we should try to make it one parking lot over to a local coffee shop. once inside i call my roadside assistance and get a tow truck coming. out of pocket on money. then i get a rental coming my way. out of pocket on money. normally this would not have been a problem as BFF and hubby have two cars. but one of theirs is down right now. so a rental is a must. then arrange everything to get the car to the dealership. i call pedro and let him know the car is coming. that my car was lurching and acting as if the wheel wanted to seize. he will work on it first thing monday a.m. well thanks pedro. how nice of you.

needless to say i am totally out of money. which is not cool. and my car note did not get paid because of having to pay for the rental and tow. but really what else should i expect? it is common knowledge i have a snafu'd world.

the day ended great though. the BFF and i had a great day together. even with the debacle. went for a wonderful sushi dinner and had tons of free time. Big'K even cooked for all the kidlets so by the time the bigs made it home the littles had eaten. awesome.

WHEN YOU RELEASE THE PAST
in the midst of all of this. it never occurred to me what day it was. i even had to say the date a few times. august 17th. yes august 17th. uh huh august 17th. why yes, yes it is august 17th. usually this is a day i count down to. for the last two decades i have counted down. starting usually in june. most definitely in july. and not really counting down as in 39, 38, 37...but more of an emotional countdown. an i know it is getting closer countdown. an i need to get prepared countdown. but this year not so much. last year, the 20 year mark hit me hard. harder than most of the ones before. and something clicked. or changed. or broke. or released. i am not sure. but it did happen. and for a while i have been wondering if it really made a difference. yes i have been able to let go of a lot of material things from my house. yes i have felt not as drug down. but this year it is almost as if i forgot. now do not get me wrong. i will never truly 'forget'. a motherless daughter does not forget that she has lost her mother. she never forgets that woman. her heart never forgets. her mind never forgets. but for lack of a better word, this year, i forgot. i forgot that TODAY was august 17th. emotionally i never felt it. so whatever happened last year, it really did make a difference. i took the time last night to remember. my Lil'Bro texted me. and we visited for a bit. he still remembers. with all of his emotions. maybe he needs to let something go. i feel like i let the rage and bitterness and anger go. and it changed me. inside at least. so i was able to remember. and not cry. just laugh. and reminisce. and it was nice. for the first time in more than half my life i was not sad on august 17th. i just was. and that is great.

i call this a disease. and it is. she is sick. but not sick where you can see it. she is sick on the inside. and sometimes the illness you cannot see is worse than the one you can.

i have been thinking a lot about my blog. lately, with all of the hooplah at the house, i have not been as good about blogging. but i would like to get out there more. you see, i never set out with the intent of a huge follower base. i just set out to write. i am very thankful for the three people that read and comment (ok ok there are more), but my main reason for being here was just to be. to get things out of my head. to talk it out. even if it is just out in the internets. and i enjoy it. i have been trying to decide if i want to upgrade. do i want to stay here on blogger or move to wordpress. i know either way i go, i want to get away from the me.someoneelse.com and more to just me.com. i think that is a natural progression. with growing comes more readers. and i know that also. the problem is what i write is not always happy. and i do try to be nice. but sometimes i can rant. i also have been more open about my children and their issues. my issues. emotions. and just tons of other things that say...my family...does not want/need to hear. once you go big, you go big. which would mean i think i would actually start putting my blog out there. and that makes me a tad nervous. so for now i am holding off. and just mulling it over. if i decide to head to wordpress i would miss my followers here and the ease of posting. but i feel there are a ton more options on the wp end. i am so rooted in google. i have so much other behind the scenes other than my blog tied up into google. so i really do hate to leave. i am just not sure where to turn on the blog front.

my brain says right now stay where i am. upgrade within google. and go from there. but the 'i want my stuff to grow' says head to word press. have you moved? did you make a huge blog switch? what was your motivation?

mid life crisis. i think that is the point in your life where you realize you have to be an adult. and there is no going back. no being a kid. and honestly there has not been any resemblance of kid left for quite a while. the day to day has gotten to you. the job, the bills, the kids, the spouse...life. it has a way of getting to you. moving through you. when you are a kid you try so hard to be grown. count down the days to being 13. being a teen. then 16. driving. then 18. graduating. you try so hard to get there. cannot wait. each day like a sentence in prison. and you cannot wait to be free. and then suddenly you are. free. or so you think. but you are not really. everything that you thought was bad and could not wait to end...those were actually the good times. but they are over. and now...adulthood. those awesome times you could not await. the lucky ones have had a great childhood. filled with love. and kindness. for others...well the end of childhood signals freedom from horrible things. but this is not a post for that. this is about those who make it through for the most part unscathed. and it is time for growth. for forward movement. for some it is time for work. others head off to college. the military. going abroad. the options are endless. all you have to do is make a choice. each year there are more choices. you do what you think is the best. you make the choices that seem to fit. and then next thing you know it happens. it all catches up. maybe all those choices were the best options. maybe they were not. either way you begin to feel like it is all over. when the house and kids and decisions weigh in on you. when the burden starts to become heavy. whether you have a great life. or a crappy one. whether you are rich or poor. none of that matters when your shoulders start to bend under the pressure.

my MLC happened in the beginning of my 30's. the dreaded thirtieth birthday. was not a big deal for me. so many people have it as a milestone. one that brings distress. not me. i was happy to finally be 30. in my family that means you are grown. you no longer have to sit at the kids table during the holidays. i was happy to be 30. but for me it was filled with distress of another sort. i was suffering from post partum depression. it had me by the throat. and the mind. it was taking over. and then it happened. my MLC. i was an adult. i was a single mother with two children. i had bills. and all of a sudden i had realized. i was in over my head. and my shoulders bent a little too much. i broke. i had broken the same way a couple of years after Big'K was born. i guess i just was tired of all the responsibility. i think that is why men buy fast cars. to escape without actually going anywhere. maybe that is why people stray from their marriages. for the thrill. for something out of the normal. for the escape. it took me a long time to get my escape. my escape was not a fast car or a stray. it was last year. it was that twentieth year. can you have three midlife crisis'? when does that stop? i think it stops when you finally heal. when you are out of crisis. i think for everyone that is something different. for me it was that year. and something snapped. in a good way. it was fixed. the PPD is no longer kicking me in the ass daily. the grief that i had carried for so long had started to slough off a layer at a time. like an onion. i was starting to peel away. layers at a time. but underneath...there was not an onion core. there are pieces of something better. an apple. or strawberry. or kiwi. or hell maybe a lemon. i am not sure. there are so many colors showing through. so many textures coming to light.

with all the change something strange has happened. i would say fourth time is a charm...but this is not a crisis. things have changed. i am still a mother. i still have bills. things are not always good. but that is ok. Big'K will start high school at the end of summer. my child with more acronyms than letters in her name. my child that is so awkward socially will head to the mecca of social issues. high school. my child with no organization. will head to term papers and tons of homework. the one that does not care if she stinks or if her ass crack shows. will head to the root of all 'stick-out-in-a-crowd' evil. what do i do? do i let her homeschool herself through high school so that i can hide her from that? do i hold her close and keep her safe? my heart aches. Lil'K will head to second grade. at a school that i am not sure can handle or contain her. my little stick of dynamite in a bubble gum wrapper. my child who rapid cycles so quickly between happy and rage. second grade where kids start to find lifelong friends. where strange things set you apart. weird actions can begin to determine your status. where kids get labeled weird and strange and crazy. what do i do? do i move to find a therapeutic day school that can suit her? my heart aches. i am 36 and have done the same job since 1996. but i can no longer work in that job because i am not degreed or certified. approaching 40 i will have to change careers if i plan on ever making enough money for us to survive. to live. what do i do? move? pick up everything and change? jobs? homes? latitude? my heart aches.

even with the ache. even with the pain. everything will be ok. because this is life. this life that we think bends us till we break. this is what it is. it is pain. it is joy. it is more importantly finding the joy midst the pain. not being scared. releasing the fear. people in this life that are happy...that walk around with a smile. that is their secret. they have released the fear. they have accepted. and now...i find myself in the middle of it. another step.

my mid life acceptance.

i will accept that things are not always fun. or happy. or even sane. i will accept that there will be pain. but i will try to find the joy. i will accept that sometimes people need a change in latitude. to fix their attitude. and that very well may be what ends up happening.

today is father's day. and in true fashion to my life, i am the only 'father' in the house. just me. i have done this. the single mother gig since october of 1997. when Big'K came quietly into my life. three years later her father was gone. not disappeared because he was a loser. but he died. she has suffered ever since. now there are two. Lil'K did not come into my life quite as quietly. she has not seen her father in quite a while. which is really a shame. he is missing out on her life. on everything. i am not even sure if he knows the date of her birth. for almost 15 years in my house father's day has been a sad day. for both of my daughters. neither of their fathers are here. whether uptop with Big G or here on earth. the general position of their bodies means nothing. because to my children they are not here. and that causes pain. i feel like i have tried to do everything i can. but when it comes down to it children need two parents. i do not want to get off on a tangent about same sex parents or traditional sexed parents. because i do not care. i just think that two people can better make decisions for children. but only if they get along. i know too well children that do have two parents but are miserable. today i tried to make the day as good as i could. this year the unhappy day happened to fall on my cousin's birthday. so we cooked out and spent time with family. you see the thing is...Lil'K has been wired for sound. my oldest is Asperger's. and she has been off also for a few days. today she was absolutely off. it never occurred to me that it may have been father's day. i did the same thing for years. when it would get close to my mother's birthday or death anniversary i would be off. sometimes i realized what it was. and could catch it. but it took me a long time to do that. i do notice in Big'K gets hemmed up close to her father's death date. and she is not even aware of it. the human psyche is amazing. and scary all at one time. so what if today was not a good day. i am working on turning the days that seem to be triggers for my children into positive days. so that they will not have to suffer forever.

eventually what is now Unhappy Father's Day will begin to turn into a day of joy. and i know it may take a while. but eventually...