i have tried to stay out of it. i have tried to stay away from it. not have to read it. the pain. the senselessness. because i want to scream at people. because my verbal diarrhea may not be able to stop once it starts. because the words that want to come out of my mouth may not be nice. because it is hard to understand. i do not want my children to see the coverage. to have to explain why it makes mommies cry. why dropping them off this morning at school was so hard. why i have stayed off of my FB. because the posts are harsh. everyone attacking everyone else. and when something so horrible happens it seems those that need to grieve cannot get the chance. everyone jumps in from every angle. to dissect it. turn it around. point fingers. cast blame. why can we not take the time to just say we are sorry. to reach out and offer a shoulder. or share a tear. why does it always go back to the blame. the faults. i do not understand it. there are families that are hurting. parents who lost their children. and any day is horrible...but this close to Christmas is more painful. presents under trees. festivities planned. i could not imagine. and never want to.

this morning as Big'K walked to catch the bus i peeked out the blinds to make sure she was still standing there. the last words i said to her as she raced out the door were 'i love you'. just in case. dropping Lil'K off at school telling her the same thing. just in case. feeling like those needed to be the last words they heard. just in case. crying the entire way to work. hoping that my anxiety was just me being a mom. hoping that it would ease in the coming days. but knowing that right now it has a very firm hold on me. enough to make me take a second look out of the blinds and in my rear view at my children.

just in case.

those words make me cringe. they will keep me on edge until my fear subsides. and then we all sink back into our normal. but those families will never have a normal again. ever. all of those children who lost friends. the teachers who huddled in classrooms praying he did not make it to their room. the kids hiding while their teacher was shot. their families will forever be on edge. just in case. the unthinkable. it happens again. the fear will never leave them. neither will the anxiety.

feuds about gun control come out. if there were tighter gun control laws this would not have happened. people get up in arms about parents raising their children right. and 'right' is usually code for 'spanking' where i am from. whether praying at school is right. Big G in the hallways. taking Big G out of the education system caused this. reasons why leaving religion and education separate are better. debates on Big G. debates on mental illness. debates on autism. debates on single mothers and children of divorce. discussions on who is to blame. discussions on which guns are ok to own and which are not. how many bullets. enough bullets. not enough bullets. wrong kinds of bullets. sniper rifles. automatic guns. assault rifles. politicians rant and rave. television and print rushing to get the big scoop. or the first dibs on the latest news. statistics come out. again and again. people rush to attack. to blame. to point fault. everyone forgetting that this thing...these things... are people. children. babies. that have died. a brutal death. horrible death. instead of stopping and just shutting the hell up. sending condolences. saying you are sorry for their loss. doing something. other than sitting high and mighty upon their chair shouting statistics. harmful blame. fucking. do. something. ensure the nation that you know it needs to change. but right now...it needs to mourn. and grieve. and be sad. and quiet. just quiet.

the only thing we as a nation should hear after such a tragedy is love. hope. encouragement. sorrow. mourning. patience. and more love.

i have friends that are saying things that shock me. things that make me cringe. things that have kept me off of FB and out of the social media ring. because i do not want to be 'that' person. the one that explodes. that loses her schmidt. drops her basket. goes karaaazy. times like these make me happy i do not have t.v. but even without t.v. news is everywhere. and with all this access and increased exposure it is the negativity that reigns supreme. and it is sad.

these are the things i know. whether they are opinions, lessons learned, things taken from my life or even actual educated facts.

- autism is not a mental illness. but an autistic child may have a secondary issue that is a mental illness. i will not say that autistic children are not violent. they can be. i will not say that they could not concoct a plan such as the one that happened. autism is a spectrum. it is just as different at one end as the other. unless you are autistic you do not know what they are or are not capable of.
- just because you work with autistic children and during your time with them they are fine. you are not living with them day in and out. home is way different than what you see in your time with them. you never know what is happening at home. good or bad. so just because you work with them does not mean you totally understand.
- mental illness is not talked about enough. it is still looked at as shameful. and cursed. it is not brought into the light. it is looked at as bad parenting. well you know what? go to hell. i have a 7 year old that is bi-polar. and there is a good chance there are other things in there as well. my parenting? is just fine. and until you have raised a child with mental illness you can fuck off.
- gun laws only keep guns out of the hands of the good. the bad will always find a way to get what they want. and who cares if i have an arsenal in my freaking basement. you know what? my children know how to use guns. they are fearful of them. and educated about them. i grew up with guns. and even in my teen angst never thought to grab one and hurt someone. i drove to school where one out of every three trucks had a gun rack FILLED with guns. still loaded. and no one ever shot anyone. because we were educated about guns. we knew what they did. to living things. at our hands. not on the computer or television.
- someone who wants to be violent will find a way. whether it is a car, a bomb, a knife, guns, drugs, alcohol, biologic weapons. they will find a way.
- yes, guns do make it easier to hurt others. it is a simple squeeze of a trigger. a knife would take longer. a bomb goes wider and is more destructive. a car driven through the front door would have killed too. just because it is easier does not mean it will be their only option.
- when someone runs over someone else the car company is not expected to be on the red line. i know. guns do not kill people. "but guns in the hands of people kill people". you are right. just as a keyboard at a computer does not kill anyone. but one jacked up fucker on one end and you have a 14 year old hanging their self in the closet. a weapon can be anything. think i am being ridiculous? i was in the military. i bet i could take you out with about a dozen different things right here in my cubicle at work. not because i am violent, but because i have been trained to use objects other than their intended purpose. i am not a killer. this three hole punch is not a killer. but it is a weapon.
- raising your child 'right' is different for everyone. i do not care if you spank. i do not care if you time out. so long as there is not abuse you need to do what works for your child and your family.
- taking Big G out of the schools did not cause this. i believe. but i have tons of friends that do not. ya know what? who facking cares. pray if you wanna pray. do not if you do not. everyone is different. so let them be. let us try something different...taking the respect out of school has contributed. how about them apples? respect. and proper public behaviour. there ya go. chew on that one for a minute.

this whole thing makes me angry. just plain ass angry. so i have stayed out of it. because i am an aries. and i am emotional. and all i really wanna scream is for everyone to just shut the fuck up. especially those on t.v. and in media. shut up. and say you are sorry. send out words of sympathy. debate another day.

and be quiet.

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