today is father's day. and in true fashion to my life, i am the only 'father' in the house. just me. i have done this. the single mother gig since october of 1997. when Big'K came quietly into my life. three years later her father was gone. not disappeared because he was a loser. but he died. she has suffered ever since. now there are two. Lil'K did not come into my life quite as quietly. she has not seen her father in quite a while. which is really a shame. he is missing out on her life. on everything. i am not even sure if he knows the date of her birth. for almost 15 years in my house father's day has been a sad day. for both of my daughters. neither of their fathers are here. whether uptop with Big G or here on earth. the general position of their bodies means nothing. because to my children they are not here. and that causes pain. i feel like i have tried to do everything i can. but when it comes down to it children need two parents. i do not want to get off on a tangent about same sex parents or traditional sexed parents. because i do not care. i just think that two people can better make decisions for children. but only if they get along. i know too well children that do have two parents but are miserable. today i tried to make the day as good as i could. this year the unhappy day happened to fall on my cousin's birthday. so we cooked out and spent time with family. you see the thing is...Lil'K has been wired for sound. my oldest is Asperger's. and she has been off also for a few days. today she was absolutely off. it never occurred to me that it may have been father's day. i did the same thing for years. when it would get close to my mother's birthday or death anniversary i would be off. sometimes i realized what it was. and could catch it. but it took me a long time to do that. i do notice in Big'K gets hemmed up close to her father's death date. and she is not even aware of it. the human psyche is amazing. and scary all at one time. so what if today was not a good day. i am working on turning the days that seem to be triggers for my children into positive days. so that they will not have to suffer forever.

eventually what is now Unhappy Father's Day will begin to turn into a day of joy. and i know it may take a while. but eventually...

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