today was supposed to be a good day. it is friday after all. payday friday at that. and friday for us means a trip to the bookstore. payday friday means getting a book at the bookstore. and usually eating out. plus just in general fun hanging with the BFF and the rest of the littles. we love fridays. i live for them. they are a break. and fun. and who can resist books really? it started out a little different than our other fridays. the plumber stopped by. at 7:30 in the morning. so mom had to be up early. cause really, i need the plumber to come back. so it was important that i was dressed and had my teeth brushed, lest he not return to complete the work. Lil'K was up early too. but she had her meds. and we have learned in the last few months. early meds mean a happier family. after he left we all showered and hit the town. the car was cleaned out before we left by Big'K and Lil'K even helped. i could tell already...this was going to be a great friday indeed. that thought alone should have been my warning. we loaded up and hit the free car vacuum down the road. got the car vacuumed pretty well. until we all thought we would die of heat exhaustion/sweating too much. this is texas by the way. and it is july after all. Lil'K was already starting to talk about food. no worries. we were going to get the oil changed and then head to eat. have i not mentioned what happens when she gets hungry? ah. ok. well let me explain. Lil'K + hungry - fast enough response by mom = FULL ON PSYCHOSIS. yep. it does. always has. and today would be no exception. we were barely making it pulling into the restaurant parking lot. the proverbial 'food to belly' countdown was on. and we were running out of time. this lunch was special. the case worker from Lil'K doctor was meeting us there. party of the observations they do on children with mental illness. and i had to get her fed. pronto. prior to the case worker getting there. it was crucial. Big G was on our side and the food hit the belly before the case worker made it to the table.
i had not wanted to meet the case worker. i usually keep them at bay with phone calls. why? because Lil'K does not do well with strangers. specifically strangers that are there for her. that have questions. and expect answers. luckily the case worker could tell things were going south when Big'K excused herself with Lil'K and headed to the bathroom. when they came back the biggest was carrying a teary eyed little. and the case worker was smart enough to realize this was her exit stage left.
the mood improved as we hit the book store. books were bought and it was time to meet up with the BFF at the other less favorite bookstore that we are forced to go to because our favorite one no longer has chairs. things were still going good. we all had a great time. the momma's got to visit and the littles got to run around and have fun. Lil'K was starting to get hungry so we decided it was time to head to eat. we chose a local pizza buffet that is cheap. walking in BFF gave the three littlest five quarters. this is where it all began.
this is where this
ended in this
you see our local pizza buffet only takes tokens. and the token machine only took quarters. but as luck would have it a couple of machines took the quarters anyway. Lil'R and Mid'K spent their quarters a little wiser. and ended up with trinkets. Lil'K however did not. and this started the beginning of the end. in her frustration she did what she has done the last two times. she purposely peed in her pants. ruining the rest of our evening. to make a long story a little shorter this was the point that her and i had to head home. because she was full scale meltdown. reference picture above. on the way home she was very remorseful. as she always is after she calms down and realizes the fault is hers. these are the moments that are so hard for me as the parent. as the mom. she cycles so rapidly that we cannot plan for anything. days that we think are going to be great end in disaster. and when you think it is going to be horrible we are surprised and have a wonderful day. this is where the mom in me wants to take it away. wants to fix it. but at the same time is angry. and just wants it to stop. does not understand why. why can she not see that if she would just keep it under control everything would be fine. why can she not see that she is what is standing in her way.
she is sick. but just on the inside. and when others see her version of ill come out it makes me look like a bad mother. and that is one of the most horrible parts of this illness. because people do not see a sick child. because she looks fine. they see an out of control child. and a mother that is doing nothing. they do not understand though. if a child has asthma you do not spray chemicals or make them dust. it makes their illness worse. when a child is bipolar you do not engage. it makes them worse. it is a special disease. it is invisible. except for when it is not. and even then it is misunderstood. or hard to understand. either way...it is our life. one that we struggle through.
I'm so sorry. I've had my kids meltdown on me enough to know how frustrating it is. How you feel like you're insides are going off like fireworks, while you remain calm on the surface and try to disengage and people stare at you. It's the method I always used even though mine were never diagnosed with anything. My youngest had some very bad anger issues when she was little and would throw herself around, causing herself harm and lashing out at her sister. As she became older and had more understanding of how she felt and was able to vocalize her feelings to get them out, it improved. She also began to keep it under control by redirecting it into physical activity, she figured that out on her own. I pray for peace for you Mama. And for her too. You keep up the good work. No one elses opinion matters, only helping your girl get well.