i love unconditionally. everyone. my friends, my family, their kids, their spouses. i can love them all. even when they mess up. even when they do things that arent 'right'. everyone has a past. everyone has done things that they are not proud of. that they regret. but at the end of the day when you lay your head down on your pillow there are only two people that know the truth. you and the Big G. and when you lay your head down you have to be at peace with what you did that day. i for the most part am ok at night when i drift off to sleep. i am settled in my decisions and what i did. if i am not...it will eat me up inside like a sickness and i will eventually have to come to a decision on how im going to handle it. the last two days i have been in a funk. approaching my work weekend where i never get enough sleep and am usually so tired that i am on the brink of tears for most of my 32 hour work week. and then here i am with a funk. a funk that totally halted my normal personality. and all during construction on my house. i was put into a position that had me torn. did i tell what i knew and take the chance that someone i loved would think that i was being hateful? or keep what i knew to myself and wait for that person to self destruct? at what point do you 'tattle' on someone and it be right. at what point do you discuss things with your friends and it not be gossiping. at what point is that help. at what point do you relieve some of the stress on yourself. off of your shoulders knowing that you are helping someone. i do believe that everyone has a bottom. a point at which they stop. and hit a wall that makes their life seem more important than their 'monster'. everyone has a different monster. everyone has a different wall. i had my own of both. i hit it. i recovered. im a better person. i still have some monsters. they just arent the kind that ruin families. i have quite a few people in my life right now that have monsters. i know it must be hard for them. i understand that some of these monsters are a life long battle to get over. and even after getting over them they can still haunt you and be a struggle everyday. i have friends that have gotten rid of monsters that have to fight everyday. but i have others, who have great support systems, that no matter the help and talkings and crap that happens...they just still cant lose that monster. losing their families, losing their things, possibly losing their lives...nothing. they still dont see the problem they still dont see that they are pushing the ones that love them not only away but to a breaking point. what do you do. how do you handle this without seeming like youre tattling or snitching or just being a bitch. when you still love someone how do you tell them theyre wrong? how do you make them see? before they hit that wall.

i found out today that saying the things that need to be said no matter how painful or sad, no matter how rough to swallow or rude, truly does help people. and it helps you to sleep better when you lay your head down.

to June and Juice...i love you both. unconditionally. and always will. no matter what you do. no matter how bad it gets. no matter if you lie to me. no matter if you hate me. no matter if you scream and yell and call me names. no matter if you hurt my heart. everything i do is out of love. everything i say is out of love. love for you. love for your children. love for your spouses. you both must realize what youre doing not only to yourself but to your kids and spouses and the ones that love you and want to help you. what youre doing to your life. how you are shaping your childrens future. how they will remember you. what kind of example you are setting for them. because everything youre doing is shaping the adults they will become. wake the fuck up! do what you need to do! take care of your business! take control of your lives and love the ones that love you back.

ok. im done.