christmas has come and gone. things went ok. no one was harmed. but only because i was medicated.

this year was a little rough. the first christmas back in my GG's house after she passed. it was strange. my aunt has moved in. and it looks wonderful. new paint. her furniture. new countertops and sink. walls where there were not before and gone from where they stood my whole life. but i understand. she had to make it hers. so that when she woke up every morning the urge to cry was not there. i went in the house the first time after her death when my aunt just had things studded out. it was strange. seeing it finished was even stranger. i walked around just looking. quietly. taking it all in. i guess things cant stay the same way forever. but when they change it does not mean it is not painful.

there was shrimp gumbo on the stove as there has been for years beyond my existence. rice. potato salad. peppered (not sweet) cabbage slaw. broccoli cheese rice. ham. tea. the only thing i missed this year was the deviled eggs. if they were there i did not see them. everything was the same. except that one chair was empty.

but for the most part christmas eve was ok. other than the stated. the step monster was there and so was pops. as i sat at the 'kids table' all i could say was 'i swear if she touches me i am gonna go off!' but the Big G was listening...and no touchy. thank Big G again. cause had she touched me i would have flipped out. i hate being mean. it is not in my list of things i need to do today. being mean is way far down. but lately my urge to be bitchy is taking over. but this year i was good. i did not react. i just ran my mouth. yay for being medicated.

this was the first year that my tree was up before dec 20th. and all my shopping was done before christmas eve. not quite sure why i was so on top of it this year. it was the year of 'no money'. kind of like the year of the dragon but different. made it into the top 5 for sure. maybe the top 2. but the girls enjoyed it. everyone was satisfied and no one cried their self to sleep.

my lil'bro came down. matilda as i affectionately refer to him. do not ask. that explanation is a blog post within itself. he had five days here. which was like oh i do not know...FOUR more days longer than he normally has. so that was awesome. the best part of my holiday. that and the fact that my 'family' spent the majority of it with me. and by 'family' i mean the ones i consider my family yet are not really. my BFF, juice, and the kiddos. THAT is my family. and they were there.

between being in GG's house again, not hitting the step monster, my lil'bro being here, presents under the tree, kids not crying over their presents, and my family being around... things were good.

in my world this was the best christmas in a long time.


medicated or not.


i hope your christmas was just as happy!

IT seems as if Christmas time is almost here. although you would never know it if you have walked into any store for the last three months. Christmas decorations and trees have been up in stores since what seems like july. why is that? i definitely dont think its because people are in the Christmas spirit. is it retail? is that what drives stores to put holiday themed items out so early? not in this economy. i just really dont know what it is. im sure its a little bit of all of it. i can tell you one thing though...it does not do the heart or mind good for those that dread Christmas because of financial problems. it is horrible to walk through and see all the decorations and happy Christmas items when you know it is a time that only brings sadness. as a parent.

IN my family i am the scrooge. i have not enjoyed Christmas in a very long time. its all about the presents. kids these days dont seem to be appreciative of anything. and if they dont get the latest and greatest all hell is to be had. when i was young we got what we got. and we were so excited to get it. when i sit back and watch old VCR tapes you can hear the squeals and see the happiness on both mine and my brothers faces. the air was full of 'thank you's and 'oh my's. when kids now-a-days open gifts there are just 'really's and 'its not the right one's. what have we done? i know we were not raised like that. so why have we created a generation of ungrateful, self absorbed, entitled children? do not get me wrong. my kids impress me everyday. they are funny, creative, intelligent, and in general... great little people. but there are times like the holidays that i get so frustrated with the 'i am entitled' attitude.

I think part of the reason for the scrooged yaya are some of the crappy Christmas pasts i have had. the holiday before i left for the army after everyone had opened gifts, i looked to my dad as to say "WTF where are my gifts?". he turned to my stepmonster in much the same fashion with the same question. the answer was "well she is getting ready to leave and cannot take anything with her". woo hoo thanks. there were other awesome holidays just like that one but mostly it is because most years it comes down to the wire on whether or not we will even have a christmas. there was a time of at least two years that i know of for sure that we didnt even put up a tree because of financial issues. why have a tree if there is nothing to go under it? on those years we just celebrated Christmas at one of the many other houses we go to. it is sad when every year is a guessing game as to whether or not Santa will show his rosey face. my children still believe (if you believe you shall receive) but they understand that in this day and time Santa does not work for free. he has elves to pay, reindeer to feed, and a wife to support. so Santa can only deliver as many presents as mom can pay for. at a discounted price, of course.

NORMALLY, because the scrooge in me takes over, my tree doesnt go up until the week before Christmas. which means my kids have to see all of our neighbors, friends, and family putting up their trees and lights and decorations. but we... have none. year after year we are the last ones to get the tree up. and i know on some level that has to be disheartening to the girls. so this year i decided to not have such a scrooge heart and go ahead and put the tree up. this year has been a decent one. we are back in the home town that we wanted to be in, the girls are in the home they remember growing up the most in, and Poppi was here with us. it was gonna be a great christmas this year. and financially it really has not been that bad either. with Poppi here, things were a little better.

SO i went ahead and let the holiday spirit grab aholt of my scrooge heart and up the tree and stockings went. there are no expensive ornaments on this tree. all of them are either hand made, wooden hand painted, or red velvet bows. the angel that sits on top has lights that do not work, her dress is torn, and her wings are bent. the skirt is older than both my children combined and im pretty sure possibly older than i am. the week before Christmas candy canes are usually added and complete the whole package. they are for eating. so pull one off and have at it. the dollar stockings were hand painted by me with glitter glue pens and are badly in need of being replaced. but still we put up the tree all the time smiling and wondering where each ornament will hang. while some have ribbons flowing, expensive hand blown glass ornaments and trees that match their living rooms, ours is a little ... well... homely. but it is ok. it fits us. and we love it. it is dubbed lovingly and simply ... the Charlie Brown tree.

THE day the tree went up was the day we got bad news. Poppi moved out and that meant things changed. financially. emotionally. in many ways. so now, karma has it, the tree is up and yet again no idea if there will be anything under it. how do you explain these things to children? i remember being poor growing up. we went through waves. we would have good money and happy times or we would be dirt poor. but the happy times were still there. now looking back it is really hard for me to remember why i knew we were poor. as an adult i can look back and see what the signs were. but then, as a child, i truly had no idea. my parents did everything they could to keep us from seeing it. but in this time and age our children know everything. and my girls know this is going to be a tough year. and they understand. which is awesome. for me it is very depressing. not being able to do what you want to for your children. i think that is the worst part. but much like me when i was younger...it is as if they do not realize. the tree is up and so are their spirits. they are happy.  knowing that we may not have a good Christmas, if only because of the number of presents. and even knowing that i cannot do all that i want to it makes me happy to see them smile. the finances are a problem, and i wish so often that i was rich. just so i could give the girls what they truly deserve. (not what they think they deserve or are entitled to) but reality is a bitch. and i know i am not rich with money.

BUT i have to say...sitting here with the girls and our Charlie Brown tree watching the old favorite rudolph the red nosed reindeer... it occurred to me ...although there may end up being only a handful of gifts sitting under the branches ... i have to say i know i am rich...









IF in nothing else...i am rich in love.

AND that is a present in itself. even if it cannot be wrapped and set on my corny tree skirt.

hmmm. lets get personal for a minute. and i'm not talking poop.

before i moved back to the house i am in now i was having to stay at my parents. and by parents i mean my father and my stepmothers home. this stepmother has been there for 16 years. and i don't think it was a good 16 years personally. right before moving into this house there was a night in particular where my youngest was being a tad bit hard to handle and the grown up's decided to argue. needless to say it was horrible and i got a voicemail from a frightened 11 year old saying she was scared and they were fighting. that was the night that made my father change everything. he had allowed SM to be horrible to myself and my brother for years. but being horrible to his grandchildren was a totally different subject. and he was not going to stand for it. so he decided to move out. and in with me and the girls. we had plans. to add on to the house. to make it bigger and more accommodating. we spent quite a bit of money on the house. getting the roof fixed. and leveling it. repainting. updating the kitchen. so on and so forth. so that the 'plan' would work. i thought things were good. constantly asking him if he was ok. was he alright here? were we too much? and always no. i love it here. i am more relaxed than i have been in over a decade. ok good. things are good.

then.

BOOM!

the day after thanksgiving i get a letter. from my father. hes going back. they have been going to counseling and are gonna work it out.

so now? everything i had been working towards is gone. i do not have the credit to get the house in my name. he was gonna do that. i do not have the money to finish working on the house. we were gonna do that. i do not have the money to pay all the bills. it was a joint effort. so now what? what am i supposed to do? i have no idea. the inside of me wants to tell him to go to hell. go back to her and be happy and do not even worry about us. but thats not what i told him. not yet. so far i told him that he can go back and have counseling and be happy. but i have not. and may not. and he has to respect that. i do not like her. never have. and i have tried in the last three or four years to be nicer. and sweeter. and overlook the snide comments and harsh looks. and no matter how nice i was i never got it in return. so i am done. he can go back. but i do not have to. i told him i was not going over there. and the girls were not either. he could deal with that. i am living in her house so she can stop by to inquire about house related issues. but i do not want her here.

i. am. done.

so much for the thanksgiving spirit.

what are you thankful for? your kids, spouse, family, good friends, the crack that keeps you going day after day? im sure for everyone its something different. and dare i say not one of my friends are thankful for the crack. thanks for that.

ok. i get it. i know we're weird. and i know a lot of people don't understand us. but everyone has that person right? the person that is your person. the person you can't live without talking to on a daily basis. the person that knows the most about you out of all your friends. but would never tell a soul what they know. not even if they were super pissed. the person that knows so much about you they could sink you. but they wont. ever.

I cannot tell you where I was or what I was doing when the clock rolled over to 00:00 and changed the year from 1996 to 1997. I can tell you that at that time that I was under the employment of Uncle Sam.

I am an adopted child. My birth mother...never met her...know very very little of her. What I do know is that I was adopted by a loving, patient woman who wanted children of her own so much that it ached. I can tell you I was adopted as an infant. Somewhere around the six week mark or so. I can also tell you that I was not a 'bonding' type child. I'm not quite sure I ever did. I was fussy, and had colic like the worst of 'em, even as an infant didn't want to be hugged or touched or loved on. I was a hard child. I don't know how she did it. But I know one thing...she never gave up. By two years I think I would have been disgusted with my own self...but she...never gave up. i wasn't mistreated. I wasn't unloved. Even though I didn't bond she did. And that's all that was needed. I believe even if neither of us would have bonded she still would have loved me. She chose me. She would have done it.
Did I ever bond with her? I don't think so. Not fully. I will never really know. She passed when I was 15. So I don't get to hear the stories of how I was or why she stayed and hung in there. I loved her. She was my mom. Luckily for her she adopted a baby boy three years later and he...he was loving. And bonding. Took the heat off of me. :-)
I have two children of my own. My flesh and blood. And bonding with my oldest was difficult. She was much like me as a child. No touching, no loving, no bonding. I was young and on my way to medical school. So in addition to not bonding I was resentful. (Don't worry it faded and we are all bonded and happy!!) Even as I entertained the idea of giving her up I didn't. And even at her two year mark, and three year mark...even after that long of not bonding...I wouldn't have given her up. Or away. She was mine. I chose her. It was my responsibility to be a mother.


Bonding?? Really? That can come eventually.


And I believe sometimes it may take a lifetime.

have you ever had one of those moments...you can be somewhere normal. or maybe not so normal. it can happen at walmart, it can happen on the way to bring your kids to school...or it can even happen in your own back yard. that moment where something might happen maybe it almost happens maybe it just comes close. a 'near miss' as we say in the medical world. when one of those things happens and all you can think in your head is 'holy shit! nobody even knows i'm out here!' when one of those things happens who would know you were there. who would find you? nobody! cause no one would know.

well the first day of school has come and gone. and i truly believe it went off without many hitches.

Let me preface this by saying...this is my experience...and i am sure that there have been a ton of people that have not had this same experience...however...i did have it and it irritated me.

ok i have to admit i am fairly new to blogging. i mean duh i know what it is. have known what it was. just didnt think i had anything of value to say outloud. although i am a very loud person. but i started a blog. without hesitation. and although i know its entertaining to my BFF and hers to mine. truly i dont care if anyone else reads it. i write it. i put it out there. yay me!

itching.

have you ever looked for your social security card for a few weeks and just could not remember where you put it? or your drivers liscense that you knew was in your wallet but now is gone? what about your debit card that you knew you had put on the dresser the night before? well i can tell you where they are! your social security cards are under the books on your shelf after being used for a game of 'library card'. your liscense is in the back pocket of your four year old after a game of 'going to the store to buy beeya' (beer), and your debit card is in the same four year olds zebra print purse after she was pretending to be big. if you seem to be losing things faster than you can find them i suggest you find your smallest kid and next to smallest kids and dont ask. because they will lie. just put on your saddest face and muster up a tear or just cover your eyes and wrinkle your forehead and absolutely make the saddest speech you can about how you have lost your belongings and you are thinking about calling the PO leece. give it about four to thirteen minutes and walah!! your things will start appearing. its easy as that!!

never thought clifford the big red dog would sound so good! but alas...after everyone ate sammie's with chips they all laid down in the living room and got quiet. the only noise was clifford the big red dog and emily elizabeth. oh how sweet the sound of a big red stupid dog. seven kids...all quiet. for more than half an hour. are you kidding me?!?! really. from age 15 down to four. they were all quiet. and the moms got the chance to eat, without getting heartburn, take a minute to have some puter time, and no yelling, no screaming, no stop-it-dont-touch-her-keep-your-hands-to-yourself. nothing. silence. amazing. its these rare minutes...these few and far between moments...THESE are the times that i love motherhood. these are the times i see that our children arent little green monsters disguised as fleshy humans. these are the times that i know we arent, completely and totally, screwing up our kids. if they can really sit and not fight and be quiet and good and focus on something for even half an hour even with the AS, and the ADHD, and the dyslexia, even the arthritis that doesnt want your body to sit still, even with everything...peace. even now the three oldest are in the living room watching CSI. the four younger ones...i believe are in the other room with the other mother. me...sitting here drooling over warrick on csi and his beautiful eyes. my BFF who i may refer to as Onion Mom from now on is outside smoking and getting ready to take a shower. i right now am going to give up my obsession with warrick and join her.

do you do whats easy or do you do whats right? do you continue to hide the truth or lie to keep from having to hurt the ones you love? what if the right thing hurts the ones you love? but what if its the best thing for them?

i as most moms look forward to a night out. although most of the time my 'nights out' include all the kids and just sitting at someones house and laughing till our sides hurt. tonight. i have filled my BFF obligations by purchasing, for my best friend, lawn seats at the aerosmith concert. yay me! as i sit here, at 1500, i realize that a month ago when i bought the tickets i really didnt realize i would be in the full throws of more remodeling. i have my weekend work bag packed, i have showered and gotten dressed, halfway fixed my hair, and because this is texas dont think that i will be applying any make up. i look horrible enough as it is without having base and mascara pouring down my face. this year, 2009, i have been to more concerts that i have in say...maybe close to five years. but i am enjoying myself. i always thought my 30's would be full of fun. both with the family and as an adult. my BFF is as close to family as one can get without blood relations getting in the mix. i love her. she has been sooooooo excited by our concert tonight. she has wanted to go see aerosmith since she was 12. which has been...well...a while. lol. well tonight is the night. i have felt so bad this week because she has called to try to plan things and get things nailed down as to when we are leaving and what time and yada yada. and here i have been worrying and working and so busy this week that i have not been a 'good friend' by being happy and enabling her planning. i feel horrible for this. i feel like i should have been more excited in her excitement. but yet again i have been wound up in my own issues. for this i am sorry. it just struck me how horrible i have been about this. almost as if its a burden. but i think it stems from the thought that i am having to get so much done and not enough time. im sure once we get in the car and realize, like we always do, that there are no kids, no bothers, and nothing but fun ahead i will be giddy and dumb. right now, as i sit here waiting for my hair to dry with the unruly curls that have cursed me my entire life, i just cant find the happiness. i only see the extra hours of time i am missing out on. *sigh* i have to wake up at 0400 to be at work at 0500 for a 17 hour work day. then on to four hours of sleep to go back and do another 17 hours of work on sunday. did i mention i have a job that if im sleepy or not paying attention at all i can literally kill someone?? ughhh yeah. to turn around and drive an hour home sunday exhausted to turn around and get up monday around 0800 to hang four doors and work on the kitchen. i love my house. im glad its getting done the way i want it but i just feel like my plate overfloweth. my dinner plate has turned into a buffet. sheesh.

ok. as of this moment i have the frame for the washroom floor in. but cant put the floor on top of it until the plumber gets here next tuesday. i didnt just have to sit there idle though! yay me. today i picked up my counter tops, my sink, my faucet, four new solid wood pine doors, four door knobs, the stain and poly for the doors...i think thats is. so hopefully by tuesday my kitchen should be installed and ready to be plumbed. then my washroom can be plumbed and we can finish with the walls. yay me! i just hope its all done by august 8th. when im having my party. all i have to do now is make sure the floor will go well with the new countertops and then get a few opinions on which backsplash to put up. all of this remodeling is really stressing me out. and to top it off none of my laundry is done. i have nothing to wear to work this weekend. and i have to leave early tmw to head out to the aerosmith concert (which im not complaining about) however it cuts down my time tmw. and then i have to work. bleck. anyways. just thought i would rant a bit...

in light of whats been going on in my universe both in the last week and in the last 11 years that i have been a mother...i have had to ask myself the question...is there a point that you quit fighting for what/who you love?

well as most of my friends know i have been in the midst of remodeling since i moved back in. we have gotten updated appliances in the kitchen, new paint on almost every wall, most of my furniture moved in, new light fixtures in most of the rooms, and a gutted totally redone bathroom. today was 'door' day. Fixer J (an old friend) hung three of my doors. they were bi-fold doors hung to open in the middle. now let me preface this by saying that NONE of my doors are 'normal' meaning they are anywhere between 30 and 32 1/4 inches. which when you are dealing with hollow doors is a pain. he did well. none of the doors are any more crooked than my house is. yay for 1940's building. we have two more to hang and then on to closing in the side porch as a laundry room. after that we still have floors to put down, a carport to fix, vent hood to hang, island to build, another coat of paint in the dining room, a backsplash to tile, two ceilings to stomp out and repaint, a TON of trim to put down...i think that may be all. but it seems the list is never ending.

growing up it seemed like we were always remodeling. that being said i have no idea how my parents managed to stay married, out of the poor house, or alive. i have only been at it for maybe six months and im already getting the acid taste in my mouth everytime i write a check to Lowe's or look at a box of nails.

as i sit here and look at my bathroom door i am reminded how lucky i am to at least be able to afford to do these chores. and i know that eventually the house will fulfill its purpose and win over my heart with is great appraisal that i am killing myself working towards. at that point i will be able to reap the rewards with my bank worth of equity.

and then...

it will start all over again with the addition!!

well the crab, shrimp, and sausage gumbo is done. it smells great. im just not a gumbo fan anymore. or a shrimp fan that much. thank you to my second pregnancy i dont care for either one that much anymore. which is strange. my dad is sleeping in his room. the girls are fighting in the living room and i think i may go crack open another beer. just thought i would sit down for a minute and ignore everything going on around me and write for a minute.

*sigh* here i am. again. its past 0100 and i am still up. not sure why. apparently all those years of partying combined with the years of army combined with the years of motherhood combined with the years of working weird shifts combined with the fact that i am a night owl have all added up to: me NOT sleeping. the fact that my mind never seems to shut off doesnt help matters. so while im laying in bed wishing i could go to sleep there are a bazillion things going on in my brain. what makes you do this? why cant your head just shut up. turn off. power down. leave you alone. its exhausting. maybe some over the counter pm magic will help. if not i feel a hot toddy coming on...

I am really not sure why...but I thought maye blogging would be a good idea. This, like many of my good ideas, may come back to bite me in the haunches. We will just have to see. I may say things you don't agree with, inspire you, give way too much advice, make you think, subject you to TMI on something personal, give you the giggles, drive you nuts, or just plain piss you off. Either way it goes, I am just me. Feel free to leave comments or kuddos or shut the hell up's. They will be taken with a grain of salt. No apologies, no explanations, no nothing. Read if you like, go away if you do not.