there is a joke in our family that my BFF is ... the mighty one. she can do anything. she sews, crochets, cooks, raises kids, keeps me in line, handles Juice with a grace i could never muster, and deals with an assload of pain every single day of her life. these are just a few of the things she rocks at. i could seriously go on and on with all the awesome and mighty things she does. one of the few things she does not do is give herself nearly enough props or take nearly enough time for herself. but then again with three kids of her own, a husband, and me and my two to deal with she always has too much on her plate. we met 13 years ago this coming summer at a job we both worked at. to be honest we really did not care for each other. one good conversation later we have been best friends / confidants / soul sisters ever since. she is someone that cannot be replaced in my life. i do not know what i would ever do without her. and i can honestly say i would not have made it this far without her being by my side for the last almost 13 years. even on her worst days she is still my best friend. no questions. no judging. just there. i wish everyone in the world could have a BFF like her. they would be much richer!!

i just want to take the time and tell her: thank you. and happy birthday.

i hope we are here in 30 more years still laughing with and at each other.

Today I woke up a little earlier than the girls.  I have the day off, it is Friday and that is the norm.  Instead of laying in bed until my body just absolutely made me get up I decided to go on ahead get up, dressed, and have some coffee.  It is very rare that I have a morning to just...enjoy.  Usually we are rushing to get out of the house on time for school or work and they just seem to go by too quickly.  Add to that the fact that I am not a morning person what-so-ever and you have few and far between mornings that are enjoyed by mom.  For some reason today was different.  It is the last day of the year.  The last day of the decade for that matter.  All I could think about while I was laying in bed, was how quickly it had all gone by.  What was different about me, what had changed in the last decade.  A decade.  Ten years.  Crap that is a long time.  But so quick in many respects also.  It scares me that time can just fly by so quickly.  Have I wasted the time I have had?  Have I spent it wisely?  What do I need to do in the coming decades?  Strange to think that a decade has flown by when there were days that seemed like they would never end.  Moments that time stopped.  Months that you felt you would never recover.  Years lost in depression and some overflowing with happiness.  The realization that life is what it is.  Is it all we have?  Who knows.  But if we let it slip by and have nothing but regrets then we have wasted it.  Why is it that you do not realize this until your 30's?  I could have used some of this wisdom in my teens, or even just a decade ago.  What will I realize in the next ten years?  What will have changed?



How much has changed in the last ten years?

I went from being 24 to 34 and oh what a difference that ten years makes.  My body no longer wants to or never mind remembers how to do things that seemed to come so easily back then.  My lady parts have been ripped out and sent to a landfill.  Menopause is not for the faint of heart.  Night sweats, old lady hands, and hot flashes have become the normal.  My boobs have been cut down by 6 pounds and why the hell did I not do that sooner?  Tumors have been removed from various parts of my body and 'anesthesia head' is not a mystery.  It is solved.  And I have had it quite a few times in the last decade.  My 3 year old is now a teenager and at some point halfway through I had another one that is now five.  I have changed jobs at least 8 times and job fields twice.  I have been deployed in the military.  Blown out my knee.  Attended a ton of concerts.  Watched way too many people leave this earth and attended too many funerals.  I have partied with some of my best friends and made new ones both in real life and here on the webiverse.  I learned what a blog was, how to twitter, that facebook can lead me to people I thought were lost forever, and found out that I love social media.  I have opened my heart up, complained, bitched, celebrated, thanked and in general opened up my soul on line for all the world to see...and was rewarded for it.  Cell phones and T.V's have gotten smaller but smarter and more houses have internet and computers than record players and VHS tapes.  Cell phones fit in your ears and computers fit in your hands.  Now I am just waiting on the flying cars!  2001 brought the death of Big'K's father, the 10 year anniversary of the death of my mother, and a bunch of assholes trying to blow up our beautiful U.S.of A.  Flying has become more of a pain in the ass, driving has become expensive, minimum wage has increased and most people are still struggling.  The presidents have changed in more than just the color of their party.  I have seen things happen that I did not think I would see in my lifetime and pray for other things that I hope I do.  People have both amazed and disgusted me, but still manage to surprise me every day.  I have grown up, changed, and experienced things that were new to me.  I have loved, lost, laughed, cried, puked, screamed, had breakdowns, been depressed, scared, thankful and regretted past decisions.  The power of mom and women in general has amazed me and continues to do so every time I pull up this world that was somewhat foreign a decade ago that has become part of my everyday life.  I have recognized my shortcomings, embraced depression, realized how much I have screwed up my kids, not thanked my BFF enough, held on to people I should have let go of, and not fought enough to keep some I waved bye to.  I have changed cars, changed houses, and changed dress sizes.

I have lost the girl I used to be and found a woman I did not know.

This last decade has been hard.  I can only pray that the coming decade is much better.  At the beginning of this year I decided to not make resolutions but solutions.  To change things.  I can tell by reading that post that I was a different person then; yes, even just a year ago.  This last year has been hard.  Really hard.  I did do some of the things I had wanted to in my 'solution' for the new year post.  Some I did not and failed miserably at.  I think you can have the best of expectations but things happen.  Things that shape you, even when you are resistant.  In the end I guess it is just preparing you for who you will be.  Maybe not having any expectations is the best way to go.  Not having resolutions or solutions, not trying to make things happen; rather, just letting it happen.  Going with the flow, shaping your way but mostly just riding.  I do know I have no idea what the answer is, even though I try to convince myself I do.  I have realized after this past decade that I really have no idea.  At all.  Maybe taking that revelation with me into the next decade will help to shape it a little better.  I do know I cannot imagine what this next year will hold.  I look forward to reading this a year from now and seeing where things have gone.

And I look forward to finding out more about the woman I have become, and maybe getting a little bit of that girl back...

It is no secret that I have a challenging five year old.  I say challenging, my therapist says it is a parenting problem.

Screw her.

She can take her for a week and see where she gets.

I recently, within the last three months, have changed my parenting methods.  Or at least given it one hell of a go.  I have completely quit spanking.  (Yes, I was a spanker.  I am from the south.  It was the way I was raised.  Getoffme.)  I have also quit screaming.  I have gone to time outs and taking away things she loves.  There are a couple of problems with this new method:

1.  She will continue to push me until I am broken.  At which point all patience is gone.  And I will break, at which point I will scream.  (Although I have not spanked in quite a long while.  I have popped to get her attention.)
2.  In order to take away things she loves, I end up having to take away things from not only my oldest daughter, but myself as well.
3.  It is a very s.l.o.w. process.  One which I am struggling to complete.

I know that parenting does not come with an instruction manual.  I also know that this is something we sign up for during that unwritten contract that comes with being a parent.  However, I also thought parenting was not something that should/would produce tears on a daily basis.  At least not the bad kind.

I am at the end of my proverbial rope.  I have been hung.  My daughter has twisted, turned, and beaten me into a person I no longer like being.  It is exhausting.  And sad.  I get that she is hard headed.  Stubborn.  Independent.  Strong willed.  And recently has lost control of a few areas of her life.  Yes, even five year olds need to be in control of something.  They like the feeling and need to have at least a little bit of control.  Just like us big people.  With some of the changes that have taken place in the last quarter of a year, she is no longer in control.  This is part of the reason for the fits.  The other part I am sure has something to do with my lack of a routine.  The chaos she causes can sometimes make a routine hard to accomplish.  I do understand there are other things that cause the fits.  What I do not understand is why?  Even though she sees me trying.  Even though she understands what it does to me, her sister, and everyone around her.  Even though it makes her life increasingly harder each time.  Why?  What makes her need to see me broken so strong?  What makes her just not care?

What is so sad is that she can be a great kid.  She can be so sweet and caring.  She is so intelligent and soaks up everything new like a sponge.  I love seeing her grow and change.  She is funny and likes to make other people laugh.  She likes to help and know that she has helped.  She can be so on top of things.  Be perceptive of things that normal five year olds would not even pick up on.  Loves to help cook and set the table.  Understands how to do laundry and will offer to sweep and mop.  Constantly sings.  She can be amazing.

Mostly just for other people.  Lately, as soon as I walk in all bets are over.  She just spent the entire weekend at my aunt's house.  Somewhere she has never stayed before.  She was perfect.  They went on and on about what a joy she was to have over and would love to have her again.  She was so polite and sweet.  And then ten minutes before we left, went all Rosemary on us.  Over chocolate milk.  Really?  Chocolate fucking milk??  Calgon, drown me in bubbles.  I was so embarrassed and shocked.  Well maybe shocked is not the right word.  Nothing shocks me anymore when it comes to her swings.  I just could not believe it.  In one instant she turned a great weekend into a nightmare.  And since we have gotten home it has been a struggle.  Now, she just ran in here so proud of the fact that she read the word "TAP".  Completely different child from 30 minutes ago.  The therapist brings up words like Bi-Polar and Defiance Disorder.  I think of words more like 'my payback' and 'so much like her mother'.  Either way, something has to change.

I know that there are many other moms out there that have had to deal with difficult children.  Whether it was when they were younger or older.  I know that the teenage years are yet to come.  I am just hoping that she gets most of this out of her system before then.  I am just hoping I survive till then.

What worked for you?  How did you survive?  Have you figured out the why?