It's the most wonderful time of the year...

For the longest time I was scrooged at Christmas time. I just could not get into the spirit. Do not get me wrong, I loved the faces of my children opening gifts. The smell of the yummy baked goodies. Wonderful food at every house we visited. Gifts waiting for each of us. Celebrating the birth of sweet Baby J. The sights, sounds, smells and more importantly the reason were not lost on me.

I think the slow decent into Scroggery happened over the years. No one thing in particular. There was no straw that broke the reindeer's back. It just kind of... became. I will say that the commercial influence has contributed. Christmas crap in stores before Halloween is over. Music blaring before the turkey has been carved. These things have hurt Christmas for me.

This year money is tight, as is usually the case in my house. Single mom. Two kids. One paycheck family. And a fackin partridge in a burning bush. Or something like that. It just never seems to add up. Especially during the holidays. This year both of my children have three...count them, THREE gifts from me/Santa. I was a bit bummed. Then I checked my mail and my other mother (mother of The Surgeon) sent three boxes. Filled with gifts of varying sizes and shapes all neatly wrapped in their Christmas joy. Those three boxes meant the world. As they do every year. And every year I forget they are coming until they get here. This is a new thing. You see, The Surgeon is Lil'K's Godmother. 'Tse Nan as she has been affectionately coined in our world. Most of my family is Cajun. MahRah is Godmother in the cajun language. And she is small. So 'Tse is added to that. Most GM's in our family are Nan, NanNan, MahRah, Nanny or 'Tse Nan. She is a surgeon, hence the nickname, and at this point has no children. She was beyond delighted that she was titled with Lil'K's Godmother. In our family, your Nan is very important. There is always a bond there between them and the child. So a couple of years ago we started heading up to the Big D (Dallas for those of you NOT from the greatest state in the nation) and spending time during Christmas with my 'other' family. The last two years we have not been able to make it, and Mother of The Surgeon has sent packages. I cannot begin to tell you how appreciated it is. This year it made all the difference.

The fact that my children are only getting three things was really not what bummed me, as they have enough. And we are all well aware that there are millions out there with much less. It is just that I cannot give my children everything that I want to. That is what bums me out. But I am still happy with this year. I am OK. This year, the first time in many years, The Scrooge did not hit me. I was actually happy to see the holiday season slide in. So happy in fact, that my tree went up way before it usually does. I have friends whose tree goes up the day after Thanksgiving. Any given year we are lucky if ours goes up a week before Christmas. This year, I was all kinds of on top of the tree business. I did notice though, that this will probably be the last year for this particular tree. It is leaning. And in general just old. All of our ornaments are either handmade throughout the school years by the kids, or wooden ornaments that the three of us have painted. I love my little ghetto Charlie Brown tree. It is very fitting. Next year we will have to upgrade I fear.

I have made a decision this year, even with the un-Scrooged heart and Christmas present miracle. Next year I believe we are going on a trip. I have great memories of Christmas as a child. But the center of those memories would be the togetherness of my family. Not the presents, tree or even the food. It was that we were all together. I just feel that maybe next year a trip might would serve us better. We rarely get out of the house, nonetheless the state. I think it would be a great change of pace. All together. For the holidays.

This holiday season will find us at over half a dozen houses. Logging more than 300 miles on my car. And tons of hand stamped cards. But it will be enjoyable. And happy. Full of family and loved ones. Great food. Badly sung Christmas songs. And most importantly, the Joy of being together.

I do hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. No matter how you celebrate, who or what you believe in and where you will be.

i have tried to stay out of it. i have tried to stay away from it. not have to read it. the pain. the senselessness. because i want to scream at people. because my verbal diarrhea may not be able to stop once it starts. because the words that want to come out of my mouth may not be nice. because it is hard to understand. i do not want my children to see the coverage. to have to explain why it makes mommies cry. why dropping them off this morning at school was so hard. why i have stayed off of my FB. because the posts are harsh. everyone attacking everyone else. and when something so horrible happens it seems those that need to grieve cannot get the chance. everyone jumps in from every angle. to dissect it. turn it around. point fingers. cast blame. why can we not take the time to just say we are sorry. to reach out and offer a shoulder. or share a tear. why does it always go back to the blame. the faults. i do not understand it. there are families that are hurting. parents who lost their children. and any day is horrible...but this close to Christmas is more painful. presents under trees. festivities planned. i could not imagine. and never want to.

this morning as Big'K walked to catch the bus i peeked out the blinds to make sure she was still standing there. the last words i said to her as she raced out the door were 'i love you'. just in case. dropping Lil'K off at school telling her the same thing. just in case. feeling like those needed to be the last words they heard. just in case. crying the entire way to work. hoping that my anxiety was just me being a mom. hoping that it would ease in the coming days. but knowing that right now it has a very firm hold on me. enough to make me take a second look out of the blinds and in my rear view at my children.

just in case.

those words make me cringe. they will keep me on edge until my fear subsides. and then we all sink back into our normal. but those families will never have a normal again. ever. all of those children who lost friends. the teachers who huddled in classrooms praying he did not make it to their room. the kids hiding while their teacher was shot. their families will forever be on edge. just in case. the unthinkable. it happens again. the fear will never leave them. neither will the anxiety.

feuds about gun control come out. if there were tighter gun control laws this would not have happened. people get up in arms about parents raising their children right. and 'right' is usually code for 'spanking' where i am from. whether praying at school is right. Big G in the hallways. taking Big G out of the education system caused this. reasons why leaving religion and education separate are better. debates on Big G. debates on mental illness. debates on autism. debates on single mothers and children of divorce. discussions on who is to blame. discussions on which guns are ok to own and which are not. how many bullets. enough bullets. not enough bullets. wrong kinds of bullets. sniper rifles. automatic guns. assault rifles. politicians rant and rave. television and print rushing to get the big scoop. or the first dibs on the latest news. statistics come out. again and again. people rush to attack. to blame. to point fault. everyone forgetting that this thing...these things... are people. children. babies. that have died. a brutal death. horrible death. instead of stopping and just shutting the hell up. sending condolences. saying you are sorry for their loss. doing something. other than sitting high and mighty upon their chair shouting statistics. harmful blame. fucking. do. something. ensure the nation that you know it needs to change. but right now...it needs to mourn. and grieve. and be sad. and quiet. just quiet.

the only thing we as a nation should hear after such a tragedy is love. hope. encouragement. sorrow. mourning. patience. and more love.

i have friends that are saying things that shock me. things that make me cringe. things that have kept me off of FB and out of the social media ring. because i do not want to be 'that' person. the one that explodes. that loses her schmidt. drops her basket. goes karaaazy. times like these make me happy i do not have t.v. but even without t.v. news is everywhere. and with all this access and increased exposure it is the negativity that reigns supreme. and it is sad.

these are the things i know. whether they are opinions, lessons learned, things taken from my life or even actual educated facts.

- autism is not a mental illness. but an autistic child may have a secondary issue that is a mental illness. i will not say that autistic children are not violent. they can be. i will not say that they could not concoct a plan such as the one that happened. autism is a spectrum. it is just as different at one end as the other. unless you are autistic you do not know what they are or are not capable of.
- just because you work with autistic children and during your time with them they are fine. you are not living with them day in and out. home is way different than what you see in your time with them. you never know what is happening at home. good or bad. so just because you work with them does not mean you totally understand.
- mental illness is not talked about enough. it is still looked at as shameful. and cursed. it is not brought into the light. it is looked at as bad parenting. well you know what? go to hell. i have a 7 year old that is bi-polar. and there is a good chance there are other things in there as well. my parenting? is just fine. and until you have raised a child with mental illness you can fuck off.
- gun laws only keep guns out of the hands of the good. the bad will always find a way to get what they want. and who cares if i have an arsenal in my freaking basement. you know what? my children know how to use guns. they are fearful of them. and educated about them. i grew up with guns. and even in my teen angst never thought to grab one and hurt someone. i drove to school where one out of every three trucks had a gun rack FILLED with guns. still loaded. and no one ever shot anyone. because we were educated about guns. we knew what they did. to living things. at our hands. not on the computer or television.
- someone who wants to be violent will find a way. whether it is a car, a bomb, a knife, guns, drugs, alcohol, biologic weapons. they will find a way.
- yes, guns do make it easier to hurt others. it is a simple squeeze of a trigger. a knife would take longer. a bomb goes wider and is more destructive. a car driven through the front door would have killed too. just because it is easier does not mean it will be their only option.
- when someone runs over someone else the car company is not expected to be on the red line. i know. guns do not kill people. "but guns in the hands of people kill people". you are right. just as a keyboard at a computer does not kill anyone. but one jacked up fucker on one end and you have a 14 year old hanging their self in the closet. a weapon can be anything. think i am being ridiculous? i was in the military. i bet i could take you out with about a dozen different things right here in my cubicle at work. not because i am violent, but because i have been trained to use objects other than their intended purpose. i am not a killer. this three hole punch is not a killer. but it is a weapon.
- raising your child 'right' is different for everyone. i do not care if you spank. i do not care if you time out. so long as there is not abuse you need to do what works for your child and your family.
- taking Big G out of the schools did not cause this. i believe. but i have tons of friends that do not. ya know what? who facking cares. pray if you wanna pray. do not if you do not. everyone is different. so let them be. let us try something different...taking the respect out of school has contributed. how about them apples? respect. and proper public behaviour. there ya go. chew on that one for a minute.

this whole thing makes me angry. just plain ass angry. so i have stayed out of it. because i am an aries. and i am emotional. and all i really wanna scream is for everyone to just shut the fuck up. especially those on t.v. and in media. shut up. and say you are sorry. send out words of sympathy. debate another day.

and be quiet.

Below are my thankful posts. I chose to post to my facebook instead of doing daily blogs here. It was just easier to post there. I have compiled all my days of thanks posts into this one blog post. I have had to go through and edit to keep identities anonymous. As on fb I just tagged everyone. Most of my friends do not know about my blog. I have not written anything that would offend them, but I still try to keep my words here separate from my life there. Matter of fact that is something I have been struggling with. Do I keep them separate? I am wanting to grow here and get bigger and eventually that will lead to IRL friends stumbling upon my little snafu'd world here. Which really, anyone with any kind of stalking ability could have already found me. And they have, but family and close friends are different than trolls. Anysecretidentity, during my thankful time there was a period where the entire freaking family had the death plague. Which was NO fun. We had a couple of get togethers with the cousins. And just in general my life played out through my thankful posts. I stopped on Turkey Day as opposed to the end of the month. We got busy and then my internets tanked.  I hope you enjoy. And that you had just as much to be thankful for...

And it starts----
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OK. I am a day late on my November gratitude. 

Yesterday ... I am thankful that both of my children are in school and I have a job...us being separated for the day saves my sanity.

Today...I am thankful for my right and freedom to vote. Without being harassed (other than on Facebook by the BNB clan) or suicide bombed on my way to the polls. 
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Day 3 - I am thankful for my best friends. Yeah. That's plural. I am so thankful that I have more best friends than most people have acquaintances.
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Day 4 - today i am thankful that i have a car. That i can afford to pay for...most of the time. That runs and gets me where i need to go. That keeps me safe. I am thankful for easy to wipe off seats ...especially when the bottle of chocolate milk that my child shoved under the seat explodes making me scream like a little girl and check myself for bullet holes.
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Day 5 - today I am thankful for attitude. Yep. You heard right. I would much rather hear it to my face than walk around thinking everything is fine...and it is not. 

Brought to you by Lil'K
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I would like to do a Night 5 post. 

I am thankful for working in hospitals. Whose labs and walk-across-the-hall-to-the-e.r.-back-door, combined with the latest kit test invention allowed me to self diagnose and get treated within minutes. Which service i would be using right now to determine if what i am suffering from at this moment is infact death. Or the plague. Stomach aids. Or rhinitonsilsno

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Day 6 - Today I am thankful for my right to vote. Which I have already done. Have you?

On a side note I do not care who you vote for. Just vote. That is what is important. Also...I am so. freaking. glad. this will all be over. I never knew how crappy some of my friends on fb could be until this election season was upon us. I do hope that you don't show the same crappiness if your candidate loses.




i have laid in bed since i got home early from work yesterday. Other than my trip for more gatorade, cough drops and depends. If you have to ask why that combo...then you obvs have a normal bladder. I am still running a fever. Freezing to death and burning up. My brain feels like it may explode and all i want is for it to stop. To add insult to injury everyone on fb have lost their minds.
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I am totally regretting my dinner choice. And the fact that my tums are MIA is not helping.

P.S. I will totally be thankful for sleep and give the sandman his dues if I could get some sleep tonight. Just saying.



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night 10 - i am thankful for my shows. When i am feeling down or alone or hopeful or happy or even like singing...and i look and there is a new episode. And it makes me happy. For that episode everything else in this world fades. And there is just...happy.
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Day 11 - Today I am thankful for my time in the Army. I am thankful for each and every person I met and friend I made. These are people that I could depend on for anything. There were some great times and tough times shared, even though they seem like forever ago. I am a better person for knowing each and every one of you. Thank you for giving your time. Making a conscience decision to sign up and
























Night 19 - I am thankful for made from scratch German chocolate cake and icing. Yummy!!!!!!!

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Day 20 - Today I am thankful for vacation time. The next four days are going to be awesome!!!! Filled with tons of food, family, and friends. THOSE are the best times. And the biggest things to be thankful for.

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Day 21 - Today I am thankful for LOVE. For that old love your great aunt has in her voice when she talks about her sweetheart long gone. For young love that sends teenagers into the giggles. Long lost love that was rekindled. The fierce love of a mother for her children. The giddy love that makes you call your closest of close and let them know you are engaged. For love between friends and family. The love that only your soul mate knows. Puppy love. Guncle love. Every love.

ALL you need is love.

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Night 21 - Heading to bed after a great day. I am so so so thankful for the many ways I am blessed. Tomorrow is going to be awesome. Looking forward to seeing friends, family, food and football. Four of my five favorite F words.
 
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I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. We all have so much to be thankful for, even in some of the darkest hours. I sincerely hope each and every one of you have a wonderful day. If you have the luxury of being with family and friends today enjoy it. If you have to work, I have been there and I appreciate what you do so that I can enjoy my day. I am blessed to have my family and friends in my life. I know I may bitch a lot...but I am happy and each one of you has a part in that. LOVE you all.

To all my friends overseas who cannot be home with their families, YOU are the reason we are able to do all of these wonderful things. THANK YOU. You are missed and thought about often.