i have been quite absent this year. things have been hectic. i thought i would update my two readers though. Lil'K has been struggling so much lately. i am sure i have covered some of this but my mind is being consumed by menopause and general motherness. so i will recap.

Lil'K hit the terrible twos stage. and she never seemed to come out of it. ever. things got progressively worse. in pre-k she was more or less 'kicked out'. she was way ahead of everyone else and it was only half a day. which really caused a lot more problems than it solved. kindergarten was difficult. her teacher has been there forever. but she still loves the kids. she is a good teacher. just not a good fit for my child. i really just hoped that first grade would be better. more to learn. well it has been a nightmare. i have had to miss at least a dozen days of work to pick her up. she gets to the point they cannot handle her. she hates the counselor. which is not good. she loves her teacher but where we live they switch classes in the first grade. so she technically has three teachers. her main teacher she loves with all her heart. one of the other teachers she rarely has trouble with. but the third. she is young. very young. and new. and in my opinion has no idea how to control anything other than normal children. so my daughter has been a hassle. the administration has no idea what to do with her. and to top it off we do live in a small district. i have a friend that is local to me. she has two boys. almost the same age as my girls. they are both special needs. she has been a huge help to me. i initiated an ARD. i even pulled out the code of federal regulation and read the entire section on what school districts legally have to do. they were slightly dragging their feet, as they have quite a bit of time to get things accomplished. well, low and behold, Lil'K had a full on crazy fit. soooo things got sped up a little bit. let me back up a bit. after i had her i suffered BAD from postpartum depression. so for the longest time i thought her behavior was my fault. it got to a boiling point about six years ago. she was throwing one of her tantrums that she is known for, and i decided to just walk away. a whole ten feet into the kitchen. my house is pretty open so she was just behind me. in the living room. doing her rolling on the floor and growling that makes her famous. then started the kicking. i could still hear the growling and humming. so things were on track. maybe this one would not last as long. i took a minute to glance back at her, as i was doing at least every minute or so and...oh. my. Big G. she had the vacuum cleaner cord around her neck. and was pulling. this was the last straw. that week i made an appointment with our local MHMR. i do not have insurance and her sperm donor has never carried it on her. they got us in pretty quick due to her trying to self injure. she has been medicated. and we have made the appointments. but money is tight. and between the meds and the appointments it is getting a little tight. now enter the school stuff. she did her cognitive testing and of course she is way above average. which i already knew. she had her psych eval yesterday. the doctor actually called me. on my cell phone. i could not believe it. they usually do not do that. we had a very long conversation. she is thinking bipolar. but there may be something else underneath. i always knew it. but hearing it is something else. i cried. but then thought about it. knowing is half the battle. it gives you a direction to head in. it gives you something. so we will continue on. the next step is getting her report. and having to go to the board. to see what services they will offer her. she will not need to many services. but they can be creative with her. help her. and learn how to make things easier for her at school. that is all i can hope for. the days are hard. it will be hard. but it will be something we can get through.

once it sets in that the girl who was not even sure she wanted kids has in the matter of six months became the mother to two special needs children. things happen.

... thank you Oasis. i think i will.

sometimes i forget that i miss a song. you see my life is music. i can hear a song and tell you where i was. how old i was. who i was hanging with. what mood i was in. my life has a soundtrack. so maybe music is my life? either way, music has shaped me. and i forget how many songs i know. and love. until i hear it. on the radio, on pandora, on facebook, on youtube...or in my head. that random song that can make a tear fall or a laugh bust through. that song that makes me hug a kid, call someone or remember those that have past. today will be full of songs. today is a good day. i felt a glimpse of the old me. when i woke up at 5 and did not lay back down. i made a pot of coffee and enjoyed it in the silence of the morning. while the moon was still up. greeting me with her bright face. telling me today was a good day. good friday to be exact. so far....great friday. i feel a tinge. the old me. the one that could handle a day. that could manage a smile that was not forced. sing along and bounce around to music. sweet beautiful music. filling the house and overflowing outside. the doors wide open. the A/C off. fans whirring. the blender roaring. making me think of summer. but glad the heat is not here yet. then a song. another one. that makes me jump around until i am out of breathe and laughing until tears fall. my kids smiling, knowing that the 'old' mom is back. Lil'K not remembering this mom. just hearing of her. catching a stolen glimpse. Big'K giving a random hug. because she remembers. that is the only mom she knew until the baby brought the dreaded PPD. but today, that mom is here. and out. i love these days. it reminds me that i am still here. that i can come back. that there are good days. and those days are worth holding on for. then a song. one that reminds me of one that is gone. one that i loved. that i miss. that in the end was not mine. then seeing a gesture or an expression on a face that reminds me part of them is still here. alive and walking around. because everything gone is not always gone. it is simply not here. right now. the sweet taste of fruit and honey in my drink makes me smile. good memories. then a song. one that reminds me of my friends. the ones i have met as an adult. mostly my mighty BFF. the one that keeps me together inside. that loves my kids as her own. that holds my hand in ant piles, picks me up out of the shower, and dances in the kitchen with me when cooking. then a song. one that reminds me of marching in black boots that break my feet. carrying green sacks on my back, and a black weapon in my hands. matching in some weird fashion way. keeping time with our feet while our mouths bark out rhymes. meant to inspire. encourage. rebuild. reshape. rethink. those friends. that become like family. the ones you can talk to a decade later and never miss a beat. that beat. in your head always. then a song. that reminds me i am a mother. a sister. a friend. a lover (although not recently). a daughter. a cousin. i am so many things. have been so many things. then a song that makes me remember i have three dozen eggs to dye. dishes in the sink. laundry spinning in the washer. tumbling in the dryer. a bank account short on money. meds to give. kids to hug. a life to live. even when it is not all sunshine and rainbows. storms cause rainbows. you just have to weather them to get there.

then a song...

that reminds me today is a happy day.

and i will take it.

my baby turned seven just a little over a week ago. march 23rd to be exact. seven. seriously. it feels like it was just yesterday that i was bringing her home. yet at the same time it feels like she has been here forever. she is a big soul in a little body. curly headed bright eyed. my little ray of sunshine mixed with lightening.


i had a special child. one you have heard of before, Big'K, and i thought i was ready. but this little one. she has caught me in ways i could never have been prepared for. we are going through testing right now. because my Lil'K can be more lightning than sunshine. she can be fiery yet caring. lie to your face then be brutally honest. we have had a lot of doctor appointments lately. psych to be exact. you see, something is wrong. they are not sure what yet. but something. bi-polar, multiple personality, PTSD, on the spectrum, sociopathic...something. something scary. but ya know what? the meds...they are helping. and right now that makes this the best last six months we have had since she was two. so now, hitting seven, i am just hoping for some luck. roll the dice...hit seven. let us see where we roll.



i am here. i am mommy. i will always be here. through the rough and the silly. the laughs and the tears. the diagnosis. everything.



i love you through and through. my little sunshine full of lightening.