It has been 10958.266 days since the first reports of what would become known as HIV/AIDS was first mentioned in the United States.  In this time AIDS has gone from something that the medical community knew nothing about to a disease that is becoming understood and treatable.  To think that in my lifetime we have been able to discover what virus was behind the early symptoms and create cocktails of medicines that can allow those infected to live for decades.  Thirty years later and there are over 30 drugs approved to treat HIV/AIDS.  A disease that when first diagnosed thirty years ago also came with a very short life expectancy.  This disease that was thought to be only a 'gay' disease has since taken on a new face.  Every year more and more minority heterosexuals are becoming infected.  Although gay, bisexual, and other men that have sex with men remain the group most affected by AIDS, the African American community face the most burden.  Over 56000 Americans become infected each year with nearly 17000 infected dying yearly of AIDS or ARC.

Globally more than 33 million people are living with HIV/AIDS.  Low and middle income countries hold 97% of these numbers.  It is estimated that more than a million infected are living in the U.S. and one in five of those are not aware they are infected.  Programs and public service announcements urge Americans to get tested every day.  Whether it is the fear of needles, the truth or ignorance that keeps people from being tested the most important thing you can do is know.  Know so that you can keep yourself healthy, know so that you can stop the spread, know so that you can live.

Last year I wrote a post about my brother.  About eating lunch with a person that is dying.  You see 30 years was at one time thought unattainable by him.  He was diagnosed before he was thirty.  We were afraid he would never see thirty.  Thirty?  Such a short time.  Too short.  Unfortunately, my life has been touched by this horrible disease.  Touched in a close and personal way.  I have lost family members and friends to this disease.  But I have also seen them live.  Last year sitting at that lunch celebrating Lil'K's fifth birthday I was so afraid that he would not be here to see her sixth.  Just as I was afraid he would never see thirty.  As we fear every year that there will not be another.  As we sat at his house celebrating with cake and dinner just a few months ago, it occurred to me that he was still there.  We all were.  She was turning six and he was living.  Still here.  Alive and kicking.  It has not been easy.  There have been illness and injuries.  Things that to normal people would go by unnoticed, but to him were devastating.  There was depression and times it was hard to go on.  There were friends that left because of it, lovers that hated because of it, and jobs that quit because of it.  There were changes in medicines and times without medicines.  Times when fighting the system for that medicine seemed as slow and painful as the virus itself.  There have been tears and fears.  Crying and laughing.  All of this...over this thing.  This thing...this monster that sucks the life from people is devastating.  It is sick.  It wreaks havoc.  In every part of life.  Of living.  Not just to those infected but to the ones that love the infected.

The girls and I spent this last weekend with him.  He looked SO good.  SO healthy.  That is the down side of the up side.  The looking healthy on the outside and dying on the inside.  He is able to shave his beard now.  The one that hid a horrible infection he struggled with for so long.  An infection the new meds have fixed.  He is able to smile without hurting.  His jaw and neck are not swollen as they were before.  Something the meds have fixed.  He is able to enjoy the chips and cheese dip because there are no sores in his mouth.  Something the meds have fixed.  Friday evening we cooked hotdogs and laughed.  Made plans to head to the beach on Saturday.  Had a drink and visited.  We talk about his health but it is quick.  Mostly about his numbers and where they were at the last report.  What new meds he is taking and how the side effects are.  But this conversation is quick.  It is painful to discuss these things.  It confirms he is sick.  Still a subject that is tender.  So we go back to laughing.  Planning a sunny day in the waves.  Saturday I drive him to work early in the morning.  Crabby that I have to wake up earlier than needed but glad to have the time.  By the time I pick him up from work he is exhausted.  A side effect of the virus and the meds that help fight it.  The meds that help to fix so much also help to sap his energy.  He has a huge knot on his leg.  From where?  No telling.  It hurts to walk and is uncomfortable to sit.  But this is life.  His life.  And the life of many many others living with the virus.  What does he do?  He sucks it up.  BBQ's the chicken and heads to the beach with us.  He does what so many others have to do.  He lives.  Because he has to.  Because he wants to.  Because the last thirty years tells him that he could have thirty more.  Because he made it past thirty.  And wants that next thirty...

In thirty years we have come so far.  And we will continue to go further.  I look forward to going further.  To him going further.  I look forward to celebrating Lil'K's seventh birthday.  Because it will be a year further that we have gotten.

Yes it is scary.  Yes it is horrible.  Yes it is hard.  But knowing is half the battle.  Knowing so you do not continue to infect others.  Knowing so you can live.

So go!! Go know.


**Statistics provided by http://aids.gov/hiv-aids-basics/hiv-aids-101/.

wow.  i have really slacked lately.  no writing, or commenting.  barely even reading to speak of lately.  sheesh.  i suck.

i have a few posts stuck up in the noggin to share.  and i promise i will get right on that.  sometime this week.  but for right now how about a recap??

i did save my house.  woo hoo me.  not sure how i will continue to save it the next three months but it will happen.  i found the $200 i lost. in. my. car.  yay again.  i got a full body deep tissue acupressure massage.  yeah.  i'm still sore.  it is almost time to start mowing again here in the great country of Texas and i am NOT happy about that.  everyone hates the cold weather but for me it just means i do not have to mow yet.  and that makes me happy.  today is hit up the laundromat day.  other than that just a shit ton of other stuff going on.  i will truly try to post this week.  get some of this junk off my head.

Hindsight sucks.

I get it.  The whole meaning of it.  The point is that you do not always see it at the time.

I saw it.  I just did not push as hard, or say the right things, or keep asking until I got the answer I was needing.

I know time cannot be reversed.  Big G knows if it could I would change a ton of things.  At least on some days.

Today I would change something; I would have pushed more or tried harder.  Gotten on that plane.  Any plane.  Way back when and just showed up.  I wonder what it would have changed.  If anything.  I try to believe that there is a plan.  That everything happens as it should.  That does not mean I have to like it.  It does not mean that I do not have the right to get angry sometimes.  I am allowed to get jealous.  Just a bit.  I also try to not dwell too much on the 'what ifs', but I cannot help it.  All I keep thinking is for all this heartache I have had to go through in the last 13 years, there better be something awesome up ahead.  I understand needing to go through the shit to get to the shine.

I do not understand, however, the need for heartbreak.  Maybe because I always seem to be right in the middle of it.  Maybe that is why I do not see the need for it.  That and it hurts.  Maybe I am more sensitive than even I realize.  Maybe I fall too hard sometimes.  I say sometimes...but there have really only been three.

*My Knight In Shining Armor.  The one that still makes my heart hurt.  The one that I should have told the truth to.  But I did not.  And now, he is gone.  And I am not the only one that was hurt by that.  I still cry when I think of you.  And so does she.  You left behind too many.  And the little ones really needed you.  I could have lived forever with the fact you were not mine...had you just stayed here.  And not left.
*Delta.  That was too much time lost.  Hoping for something that you could not give to me.  I can see you now.  We are friends.  I can appreciate it.  I do not want to throw up when I see you anymore.  My heart does not hit my stomach.  When I look at you I just see a friend.
*Mr. Bubbles.  Yeah I know.  You are probably laughing at that.  I can say I did not mean to fall.  I really did not.  And I know you did not mean for things to turn out the way they did.  I know you cannot undo it either.  I do not want you to.  I am just wounded.  It will get better.

But those three have lasted for the last 13 years.  And it ends the same every time...heartache.  I am left not getting the one I want.  It is really beginning to get old.  Should I pick better?  Not let myself fall?  Then I run the risk of shutting myself off.  Like I have done so many times in the past.  After each heartache comes a shut down period.  And then it happens again.  The fall.  I am not sure what I have done.  Or did not do.  Why it is I that obviously has to go through so many heartaches.  I do know there will not be much left of my heart to give when all this is over.  When will it be over?

Because I am so ready.  For anything.  Just something wonderful.  Not the tears.

This weekend was awesome.  I laughed and had fun.  I was good.  No broken drought.  I was looking so forward to it.  I was ready for the fact that at the end of it all....it still was not mine.  I was not ready for how hard it ended up being.  For the fact that I had to stop, in the parking lot, and catch my breath.  I was not ready for the hurt feelings.  For the green monster to show up.   I was not ready for the tears that rushed out of me.  For the heaving breaths and sobbing.  I was not ready to face that fact I thought I had prepared for.  It is not fair.  I know, life is not fair.  I get it.  But it still does not sting any less.  I know you are sorry for all of it.  In turn, I am sorry too that you even had to be in it all.  I do not know if you wish it would have turned out different.  Maybe that is the answer I am looking for.  I do.  But that is because I was the one that lost.  You see, you still won.  Well not on all fronts, but for the most part you won.  You gained two great things, even though in my opinion you lost out on one.  Me.  Me?  I lost.  And it sucks.  And it is not fair.  I have no regrets.  I do not wish I would have stayed home.  I am glad I went.  It was a long time coming.  It was overdue.  I was glad it happened.  And not another 8 years passing by.  I do not want to reverse that.

You were everything I had imagined over all those years you would have been.  You were funny, adorable, kinder than I had imagined, and so many more things.  The one thing you were not and will never be...was mine.  That...I want to reverse.

I am a big girl.  I must put the panties on and deal.  But right now, I just want to process it.  I will get over it.  I have to.  There is no other choice.  Fair or not, it is what it is.  And everything will be fine.  I will shut down. And come back.

I do not wish it did not happen.  The whole way home I wished that things would have happened.  That you would have told me my feelings were not mine only.  That if you could do it differently you would have.  That you wish you could reverse it.  But I am not even sure if you wish those things.  I wished you would have just touched me.  But I probably would have cried...and well...it would have been wrong.  I know that.  But I wish you would have.  That for the weekend it could have been mine.  It would have just made things even harder.  Harder than they already were.  And I do not want that.  For either of us.  The problem is with all the things I wished, it would not have changed anything.  It would have made my heartache worse.

My wishes are over.  I will accept things the way they are.  And get over it.  This is part of me processing it.  I will be fine.  I just wanted to wallow a bit.  And get it off my head.

The funny thing is when I got on the road and turned on my iPod...the first song that played after I hit shuffle was:

">Guess what song?

Funny huh.