I have so many good blog posts. words pouring from my head. beautiful words elegantly strung together. almost melodically. but by the time I sit down in front of the computer they are gone. just a heap of mismatched phrases that are just a skeleton of the masterpiece that had unfolded earlier.

my head is always blogging. constantly banging out stories and recalling small pieces of our life. meant to be placed here. but then they are gone. this is the part about writing that I hate. if I were more diligent I would record them as they come to me. but I am not always in a position where I can. and I have actually tried this a few times. but by the time I was sitting down listening to myself and typing the words out it just felt so fake. and creepy. so I am left with these beautiful words twisting around in my head. and no one will ever hear them. and I know it is not as if I have something monumental and life changing to say that anyone particularly needs to hear. I would just like to get the words out.

one day I will get the hang of it I guess. I am disappointed that I don't blog more. even if no one ever read my blog I would still want to do it. I have always enjoyed writing. getting things out of my head are always better than leaving them in there. it helps my sanity. which is in short supply these days. not having internet at the house does not help. it leaves me with having to blog from work or make a special trip into town to hit up free wifi. yes. I said into town. because I live in the country. and our café is only open till 3:00 in the afternoon. don't judge.

while I am here let us talk about mid life crisis. I feel that I have had a few of them. as strange as that sounds. points in my life where I just don't understand where I am and why I am not where I want to be; points where I am angry at circumstances, most out of my control; moments in time where my internal hater is in overdrive; sadness over what I should have done and regrets from the past. I have tried to refer to them as mid life acceptances. because really in my house it seems like crisis is a constant state. and to me it is more about just accepting where you are. I feel as if I am at that point again. I am nearing 40. I do not have a degree and I am not certified so continuing in what I have been doing off and on since 1997 is no longer becoming a choice. but then that leaves me with just experience on the other things I have been doing since the age of 16. as they say I am a jack of all trades and master of none. and it is frustrating. Lil'K and all of her issues are making it hard for me to work and make enough money to afford things. like a car. and food. having Big'K in college (a post I keep meaning to write) and no longer home has me depending on neighbors in the after school hours to watch Lil'K so I can work. I teeter back and forth between wanting to go back to school and wanting to get an RV and just leave. being responsible and just hanging in there and paying things off or just saying screw the pooch and let the car go back. I have waves of anger that a house fire can completely financially destroy you as well as why must everything be so hard for me. always. I will pass through. I always do. but wow. then I just do the human - why am I here and certainly there must be something else I am supposed to be doing because life certainly cannot be this shitty and then just boom it's over. right?