it is no secret that i am adopted. after the birth of Lil'K i was forced to do a little thinking. health wise i was going through things that were a bit scary. things that my mother had gone through. that ultimately led to her having a hysterectomy when i was three. which led to her being on hormones. which as we all know led to her death. facing the same surgery in my near future started to worry me. it made me think long and hard about my medical past. and more importantly, my lack of knowledge about my medical past. the fact that i now had a second child, whose paternal medical past i had no knowledge of either. being adopted, and in the mid 70's at that, you can imagine that the 'passing on of information' was not quite as open as it is now in some cases. i literally knew very little. i knew the agency used. that she was musical. had brown hair. was 21. and that i was a mix of irish, dutch and indian. the tribal headdress kind, not the in the sand with camel's kind. and that the possibility i was given up was that she wanted to head to medical school. but that was the extent of what i knew.

enter Lil'K and my need for learning more skyrocketed. but how on earth could i do that? my adoption was obviously closed. my birth mother used an agency that in my area is known for their 'wayward home for expecting young mothers'. or back in the day that was the case. i started by contacting them. no help. i could pay an astronomical amount of money and send in an application that if happened to match another party would allow me to receive information. so i put my information out on a couple of adoption sites. by the time i forgot about it i received an email from an adoption search agency. in the email it only asked if the number shown was my birth certificate number. it was. the number matched a birth certificate from my birthday with only 'baby girl' listed. but with a name under mother. then the same number is shown with my name, my mother and father as well. she said it was unusual back then for the same number to be on both. they would usually give a new number to the birth certificate that went with the adoptive parents and child. so it made things easier. she was able to give me my birth mother's name. her parents names. the name of her mother. and another relative as well as his address and phone number and the fact that at one time she had lived with him. of course, i could not fathom calling that number. i just kind of sat on the information for a while. do not get me wrong, i would google the shit out of the information i had. but just could not act on it. i googled for quite a while. years even. but did not get the push i needed until early 2012 when my cousin and i started putting together our family tree. i decided to start another one on the side. you would not believe the information that can be found on those sites. so i entered my birth mother's name. i found a picture of her. from high school and nearly fell out of my chair. i could not even think. i took a picture of it on my phone and sent it to August. she immediately was like WTF is that? the resemblance was striking. i knew it was her.

i continued to search for her brother. i knew her parents were already deceased. i had found their death certificates. but the brother remained elusive. and she was just kind of in the wind. i searched and searched. but kept coming up with nothing but dead ends.

school started and the holidays hit. and the searching just kind of came to a halt. after christmas i decided to look again. and the first entry in google was... her obituary. it took my breath away. she had passed away at the age of 57 in september of 2012. i contacted the funeral home that was listed as doing the arrangements. the gentleman there was very sympathetic to my story. after playing phone tag for almost a month, i got in touch with him this morning and heard the news that i was dreading. he did not do the pick up from the hospital. it was another funeral home. it was a county case. she was cremated. no living relatives or assets. it was a friend from work that made the arrangements. they did not even know where she was born at. where her parents were from. or any other information.

the only part i heard was ... no living relatives.

it brought my everything to a halt.

every. thing.

after all my searching. and wondering. that was it. it was over. no. living. relatives.

all i can do now is try to find the woman that helped make the arrangements. and maybe talk to her. i searched all day for her brother. and the other relative. to no avail.

i just have a hard time imagining that this is the end. but i have to say my heart is very heavy. i know as an adopted child that your past is always hard to narrow down. and i love my parents. they are the only mom and dad i know. the best ever. and i do not want to belittle them. but i think being human...there is an instinct to understand your past. to know where you come from. i think that has nothing to do with being adopted. i want to know the same things about my parents. especially my mom. i knew her as my mom, but growing up without her i was not able to really understand what she was like as an adult. i only saw her as a mom. i want to know about her as much as i do my birth mom. probably even more. but with both of them gone...where do i start? how do i get to my past? what will i tell my girls? i do not want them to be my age and wonder about their pasts. i know this will be something that i will have to get past. getting past your past. sheesh i sure have been working on this lately.

ughh. just one more thing to add to my list of 'shitineedtoworkthrough'

the last two weeks have been a tad bit crazy. but i guess in a good way. i guess it starts with Christmas. the whole thing was just so weird. i do not know if the kids getting early released from school the Friday prior to Christmas, which made Christmas seem to come faster, or if it was that i took off of work the entire week of Christmas. this holiday just seemed strange from the get-go. my cousin and his wife (and adorable two year old!) were down from Colorado for a week to celebrate with us, but to also pack up their home to move permanently from here to there. we had tons of fun and cousin time. which was great. we enjoyed it so much. although it did seem like i was killing my liver a little at a time. Christmas Eve i pulled a little bender. ended up in a ditch. and i do not mean my car. i mean me. my body. in a ditch. a very cold, wet ditch. for hours. yep. yay vodka. combined with a safety meeting (long story). needless to say it was a fun night...but a little overdone on my part. here at the Casa de la Loco, we open presents on Christmas Eve morning. a tradition that was started after the birth of Lil'K. we just have too many places to go in too short a time. well the present opening came and went with very little fanfare. it did not help that Lil'K decided to bust out of bed at 2:30 in the morning. i talked her into staying in bed until a little after four. which made for a long day for mama. the big guy in the red suit only brought three presents per child. which could have been the issue. the mama decided to pay bills first and get presents second. it was a smart financial decision, but sucked for the girls. i do not regret it. at all. extra presents did come in the mail from my second mother. which was awesome. and much appreciated.

after the ditch incident later that evening, Christmas Day ended up kind of being a blur. we made it out to Papa Loco's house. and did the fat red man there. normally we would spend Christmas evening for dinner with the BFF, but she was out of town. out of state actually. which made the holidays even weirder. the first time in almost a decade that Christmas wasn't spent with my family. i actually got to visit with my aunt that i rarely see which was wonderful. it just seemed that the whole week flew by. this past week was even dumber. off on monday, work on tuesday, work on wednesday and thursday. off on friday. work on saturday. off on sunday (today) and back to work tomorrow. i guess that is what i get for taking a week off.

through all of it though my kids were like champs. they did not complain, at least not more than normal kids do. and it made me proud. they did not complain about the lack of gifts. the appreciated the fact that all of our utilities still worked. they appreciated the visit with all of the family. i am amazed by my children every day. even the bad days. i am still proud of them. and amazed that someone so loco is who made them. who has raised them. it is just amazing.

tonight Big'K said something that made me so proud. we went for burgers. it was late and i did not feel like cooking. while at the burger place i noticed a strange guy. you know the one. speaking too loudly. dressed in too many layers. dirty beard and hair. very disheveled. pacing. around the inside and then outside and back in. you could tell he was hungry. but obviously had no money. and he was crazy. not in a good way. in a schizo or bipolar way. and he was apparently not medicated. normally where we live it is pretty warm. but right now we are in the middle of our 'winter' which means it can get nippy. i was very cautious of him. as both of my children are 'special' and tend to attract the weird ones. when we were finished eating, i sent the girls with my car keys to go get in the car. and i walked up to the counter. i asked the girl if she knew if he was just drunk or was he mental. already knowing the answer. there was a good possibility he may have been drunk. but he was without a doubt mental. all i could see in my minds eye was Lil'K, my brother, or many of the countless others that i know that suffer from mental illness in that same predicament. she said she did not know. but he had been there for well over an hour. in my time there he had gone up and gotten a coffee cup. i asked her did he pay for his drink and she said no. "i think he has something wrong with him. he babbles off and on. about nothing or everything. he is obviously hungry. but i think he is homeless" she said back. in an almost whisper as to not draw his attention. i then told her the following: "in this bag are two of our three orders of fries. we did not need them. i want you to order four chicken strips. if not eaten they are easy to carry and will keep for a while. also order a small drink. when they are ready, please give the bag of fries and the chicken and drink to that man. he obviously needs it." she looked at me with eyes full of question. "my youngest daughter is mentally ill. i have many friends that suffer from mental illness as well. they could just as easily be in his predicament. and i would like to think that there are still good people in the world that would look at them and know that it is ok to be afraid, but not ok to shun or ignore them. that even just a meal could make a difference in their life." she told me thank you and that she would do it. "no need for thanks, you just find a need and pass it on." those were the words i left her with. when i got to the car Big'K was crying. not sobbing. just single tears. i had told the girls what i was going to do and that i wanted them to go to the car. because it was ok to be a little afraid. and just in case i wanted them to be safe. i backed my car up far enough that i could see the guy, i was afraid he would leave before his food was ready. he was not sitting where he had been and i was worried. then Lil'K said look mom he has the food! and there he was walking back from the drink counter with our bag of fries, a box of chicken and a HUGE smile on his face. as i drove away Big'K simply said...

"well now i know where i get that feeling inside that i want to always do for people. and pay it forward all the time. to reach out to those that are different. to be afraid but still help. i get it from you. and that makes me proud mom. it makes me proud of you and proud of me and sister that we have such a good example."

just when you think you suck at parenting a little gem like that pops out of your child's mouth. and you are instantly proud. and know you are doing something right.

2013 - the year of the pay it forward in this house has officially begun.