Ok. I would like to complain rant rave bitch talk about something.

The financial affairs of our fucked up country.

Recently, I have been bitten by the 'refinance' monster. My father owns the house I live in. It's cute. I do love it. Unfortunately with some things that are going on right now, my house note has become a little...unattainable.  Only if I would like to continue having electricity and water, that is. Now, before I start bitching discussing this problem, I would like to state that my mortgage/rent is hardly a third of what most of my friends pay. So in some ways I know that it does not seem fair for me to complain bout my situation. I know that a lot of them would much rather pay my bill than theirs.  I also, only have one income...mine.  And although I do make more than most of my single mother type friends, it still is not enough to cover all of my bills in a month if something out of the ordinary happens.  I have a small, old house. In a small, old town.  I have not enough room for a damned thing well under 2000 square feet. My windows are leaky, and my doors drafty.  We have made some improvements, but money runs out.  And, well, ours seems to run out faster than most.  But we were able to make some improvements to raise the value of the house.

The plan was for me to buy the house and have it in my name.  Right now it is in my step-monsters and even though there has not been any reason for me to think she would kick us out, you just never know. I worked on my credit to get it to a point that would allow me to get a house...and them boom!  All the crap happened with the economy and now it takes your first born to buy a house.  Here are the problems:

- Apparently my house does not cost enough to justify a loan.
     Now hold the phone. You do not want to give me a loan because, to you, my house is not expensive enough?? But I am trying to be a responsible adult and not take on more than I know I can pay for!  My house does not cost enough for you to loan me just 30 to 50 thousand dollars and my credit is bad, so to fix it, you want to loan me 120,000?!? WTF? Please tell me where that makes sense?  I already stress to pay the note that is currently on the house and you want me to up it by seven or nine hundred dollars? Because the amount I am asking for is not enough, although what I can afford, and I have trouble paying what I already do, so you want to increase it?

- My credit and debt to ratio numbers are all wrong
     I have been working on my credit for almost two years.  Every time I come up even the smallest amount, you decide to put something stupid on my credit.  No one will give me anything on credit because my credit score is bad, so I cannot get credit to make it good, so that my score will go up.  Yet you want a higher score for me to be able to support the $120,000 loan you want to give me that I cannot afford.  So about a year ago I went to get a new car hoping that would help my credit score.  I go in and see a car between 10-13 thousand that I could afford and my family would fit in.  Would they finance me? Not on that car.  My credit was bad, so they could not finance me on the car I was making a responsible decision on and could afford. NO!  If they were going to finance me it would have to be on a car that was over 21,000.  Therefore giving me a car note that I could not afford and would at some point be late on.  But I had to have a car.  And going to a mafia lot was not something I wanted to do. And I had to have a car that was dependable i.e. warranty and such. So I ended up with a car, that I LOVE, but that has a note the size of my mortgage/rent. No way to improve your credit score like that.  But a hell of a way to jack up your debt to income ratio.

- I need to refinance and I would like to stay with my current company
     Oh but wait---we will not refinance your home that you have paid for through us for the last decade, because your credit score is too low. It is too much of a risk. WTF??? Dude! I am already paying you a note, on a house that you have financed, that you know I am late on at least three months out of the year.  Why in the hell would you not refinance it?? It would extend the loan, which would make the big company more money, not to mention you know I am going to pay it so if you lowered the note then maybe I could pay the damned thing on time!  And you think you will be losing out on money because I am a risk???  Yet if I am not wrong, you would be losing a hell of a lot more money if it got foreclosed on...right??? Right.

It just seems like they do everything so backwards.  OK. Be greedy.  I get it.  The mighty dollar.  Woo Hoo Blah Blah.  The problem is they get bailed out for making horrible decisions and giving people more than they can afford with interest rates that are astronomical.  We the people cannot get any damned help from anywhere, but they get the help for making bad decisions.  They want to complain about all the foreclosures, and the defaulted loans, yet they do not want to step up and help to at least refinance their current customers that are asking for help.  In the end they would make more money if they did.  The notes would go longer. And so many people would not be having to step out of these financial commitments.  Lower some of the freaking interest rates and help people get lower notes.  At least they are trying to continue their notes with you, the same company, and not going somewhere else.  And these people that want to buy houses that are under 60,000...let em!  Chances are they are not worth more than that and if they were stepped out of you would not make any money on it anyways.  And now you have a homeless family. Way to go big finance companies!!

I just do not understand why those of us that are trying to do the right thing financially are not able to.  Because of the same companies that penalize us when we are late or default on our payments.  They are so quick to bend us over and jack us up, but will not ever ever help us, even when it is going to benefit them.  I know ranting about his changes nothing.  I just wish something would happen to help us. Not them.

It just gets so frustrating sometimes.

**sigh*** ok. i am done.

Today is Sunday. And I am home. That is not something that happens here lately. Usually I am working. Which may pay the bills, but sucks as far as weekends go. But I am home today! And that is awesome! I have washed dishes, and clothes, cleaned my stove top, sent the kids to the park to play, visited with a few friends, and resolved to listen to The Beatles for a bit. Today there is nothing to feel sad about. It is a beautiful day and all is right in my universe if just for this moment.

I went to church today. I know. Please do not fall out. I had to pick up one from CCE and brought the other three. On the way in I ran into one of my beautiful friends. That I love so much. She was picking up her younger two from CCE so she went ahead and came too. It was awesome. A great start to a wonderful day. I have to say I have not been the best Catholic.  But I miss church. I grew up having it infused into everything. At the time I complained, but now, being older and wiser, I see it was fun. Some of the people we met have turned into friendships that have lasted lifetimes. I want so much to not have to work weekends anymore. So I can enjoy my weekends with the kids and my friends, and go to church. I know during the summer when it is elevendybazillion degrees outside and I have the week days to do things with the kids, the air conditioned work place will not seem so bad. The weather has just been beautiful lately. It just makes you have a good attitude. Today I am so thankful for the kiddos, all five of em. And even all of the friends' kids too! I am so thankful for a beautiful day. And great friends. And just the fact that I can get out and enjoy it. Instead of sit inside and be miserable. So with that...I am going to go hop into my car and head to my great aunts for a bit. My neck is hurting and if I continue to sit in this chair I will only want to go take a nap.

So you enjoy something today too. Take a minute and look around. And shake that funk. Be happy just for a moment.

well. i made it out of surgery obviously. i am here and typing. this may be a long post. or it may not. i have a lot of things to say. this may or may not be a rant and/or funny. i just need to say stuff.

i am having some major issues lately. call it mid life crisis, or getting older, or maybe it was the whole getting ready to go under the knife. whatever spurred it surely brought it on good. maybe i just need a good come to Baby Jesus cry or something. or maybe i just need to talk it out. i can tell you that right now my freaking throat hurts way too bad to be crying. i know this because i was catching up on a few blogs and they had me in tears. for both hysterical and sad reasons. i cried. it hurt. let us not do that again. so that only leaves talking it out. and unfortunately for you, my 6 readers, you will get the 'talking out'.

i am sad. i know there is something wrong with me. it may be clinical or not. it may be something that can be diagnosed or not. i am not sure what it is. maybe it is age. or hormones. or thyroid. or whatever. but it is here. i hate it. i refuse to be like this for the rest of my life. normally i just kind of sweep it under the rug and keep going. but i think, my friends, this time i am going to do something about it. like meds, or working out, or vitamins or something. i just cannot accept that this is how we are supposed to live. this cannot be all there is. we only get one shot. is this really what it is supposed to be about? sadness. i just do not think so. so slowly but surely i am going to get myself up outta this here rut that has consumed me. and i may or may not bring some of you with me. i have quite a few IRL friends that have been feeling like this too. so i am going to try to fix it. it is ridiculous. i do not want to look back in a decade (because time flies by so quickly) and have missed out on so many things. i look at my girls and wonder what they will look back on when they are my age. i had a great childhood. i mean there were hard times. but for the most part it was awesome. until age 15.  but that is a different post for another day. i look back and remember family dinners, and my friends, and horses, and playing outside. i remember my brother and i fighting. eh. it happens. but i remember...happy. and i look at my girls and i just think sweet Big G all they are going to remember is a moody ass mom that was always screaming. how horrible. i refuse to be that memory. i refuse to be the reason they are in therapy or worse. i want their memories to be happy. i want to be happy. so i am going to change things. soon.

ok this will probably be gross. sorry. ok here is what we were looking at the day after i had surgery:




all pretty and bandaged allbeit bleeding a bit. hushitup. my neck was sliced open! it has to drain a little. right? and here we are today. and yes i went to the store like this. and i am pretty sure by the look on people's faces, everyone patronizing the HEB today loved the fact i decided to get out of the house.





oh yeah. i did. i sure did. in town. just like this. stitches blazing and all. i get the blue stitches out next week. and then another week until another surgery. this will be my fourth surgery in three years. no. i am not a glutton for punishment. i am weeding things out of my life that are bad for me. my girlie parts were all defunct. so out they came. there were jacked up pieces in my too humongous boobies. so out they came. a tumor decided to bust out on my right thyroid. so out it came. and now there seems to be a mass in my right cheek area. so out it will come. it scares me going under so many times. i have always been afraid of going out. but i feel like i have to get these things out. before they make me sick. and then it is on like donkey kong. i am going to get myself happy. and healthy if it kills me. which it may. possibly.


a few posts back i wrote an article on bullying. and then shortly after a blog friend of mine underwent a horrible thing. my friend jane's son was beaten up. badly. you can follow the link to her and read all about it. things have been handled thanks to the Blogfia and a lot of pissed off moms. but the fact that it had to come to that made me sick. in a world where if a mother was to smack her kid in the back of the head in freaking wal-mart, half of the kingdom come would have come down on her, a mother, who's son was beaten cannot get
a freaking school transfer?? are you fucking kidding me world?!?! and then when confronted with over 130 emails *@!boom!@* the magical school transfer fairy comes down and bops these two assholes with the 'not-a-problem' wand and things get moving. wtf??? why did it take that? why did it take a movement in the blogosphere from a ton of worried, concerned, outraged, and yes pissed off moms, to make this happen. now you tell me, if this would have been their son or daughter, would they not have done the same thing? what has happened to humanity? what has happened to parents? why the fuck did it take that? come on!! are you kidding me? why in the hell were you not all over that like white on rice? our schools allow little gangster thugs to rule the schoolyards and terrorize good kids that just want an education, kids that want to get out of these neighborhoods and do something with themselves, they let schools be ruled by stupid ass tests that leave our children half stupid upon graduation, yet they want to send parents to jail for their child missing more than 12 days in a school year. guess what fucker?? my kid is absent because she is sick. or at the dentist. or possibly seeing a therapist to fix what this society has managed to fuck up! so get off it! how about you pay attention to the children that need you and the parents that are bending over backwards to make sure the kids are educated and have a future. how about that asshats??? shit. i mean really. ok. well see, now my damn incision is pulsing. i hope you are happy!!!

ughhhh. fury. anger. and pissedoffness. yep. i said it. that this woman who has done nothing but raise her children and done everything for them has to go through something like that is absolutely insane. and i think heads should roll over this. and another thing...while im screaming at my laptop...the world, the media, society wants to downplay mom bloggers and give us negative media...you know what??? YOU CAN GO TO HELL TOO!! you see what we can get accomplished! you know we are a force to be reckoned with. and you are scared. as you should be. we are intelligent, funny, witty, well spoken, important people. we are mothers. and if you think for one instant you would be where you are without one you need to recalculate your freaking GPS coordinates!! how abouts you quit slamming us all and realize that the world is changing. and moms, yes moms, are going to run this here fucker in the next decade or so. why?? because yall have assed this here ride out! and we are tired of it. so we are gonna step in and clean house yall. it may take us a minute. but it will get better. our kids need to be taken care of. our world needs to be taken care of. things need to change. across the board. and i dare you...dare you...to just try and get stupid. you will be put in time out in a quick and hurry!! so stop it. embrace change. and thank us. cause we will be cleaning up all the shit you managed to jack up. so get off it that we have bad language, talk out of turn, or piss people off. because there are quite a few of us. and you cannot cannot take us all on. we will win. we are moms. and if we go on strike...well guess what douchecanoe...humans will die out. do you get that die out?? who else can say that can do that. uh huh. thats what i thought.

fuckers.

ok.

*sigh*

i. am. done.


continue on with life as normal.

well here i am. sitting in my blue chair. in front of my laptop. listening to pearl jam on my iPhone.




I have loved Pearl Jam since ... well ... since I first heard Eddie Vedder's beautiful voice.  Probably high school. By college I was so infatuated with Pearl Jam that I owned every CD ever released. I even ordered some released in the UK. I love their original stuff but some of their best songs were covers. I am not sure if being loved for being a great cover band is a good thing.  But their cover of "Sister" was awesome. One of my favorite songs they did. I do like the original too. But E.V.'s voice just adds something to songs that other people cannot capture. Like 'Crazy Mary' 'Masters Of War' 'Yellow Ledbetter' and 'Last Kiss'. I have so many PJ favorites. But yes, most of them are covers. I am going to have to make a point of seeing them.  One day. It is what it is. So I sit here and listen to one of my favorite bands and type.

There has been so much in my head lately. Not all of it good. But a lot none the less. I have been having trouble trying to post.  Everything keeps coming out so dark. And I do not like that. I want to be happy and funny and crazy. I guess we cannot be like that all the time though. I have had trouble being like that at all lately.  So Pearl Jam is here to soothe me. It does that. I just realized that I am using capitalization. Humph. I rarely do that. Wow, I must really be off! Lol. Ok. This was not meant to be a post about PJ. It is just what I am listening to. Alrightythen. Let's get some of this out of my head shall we? Oh, this will be a long post. So, ya know, maybe take a day or two to read. Or not. Either way. It will be long. Just trying to warn ya.






i am having surgery tomorrow. to remove a tumor. or nodule. or lump. or whatever you prefer to call it. it is something. and it is growing on my thyroid. and tomorrow it comes out. i trust my doctor. that is why i picked him. he is great. has done work on both my girls. and i am going to be at my hospital. so i know i will be ok. the BFF is gonna be there with me. and i think my Lil'Bro will too. so that will be good. i just always get nervous right before surgery. i do not respond well to anesthesia. go figure. so it just gets me all nervous inside. all reflective. and thinking bout my girls. i usually rewrite my will about this time. already done. yeah. psychotic a little? nah. not much. just a hair. it is just a really long hair. so i have tried to not scream as much today. or worry about the dumb things. talk sweeter. be nicer. that kind of stuff. just in case ya know. but everything will be fine. and then in two weeks i will have another surgery. on Lil'Bros birthday. oh joy. he will love that. oh, he is here by the way. he has moved closer. into Texas. i know. i am happy. it is awesome. i hope it will end up being a good move for him. it is for me. cause he is closer. and i can take care of him. although he does not want me to. what can he do? i am older. and bossier. yay for being the big sister.

speaking of big sisters. Big'K has been having some trouble lately. i do not know if it is the flux of hormones or that she just does not like her life right now. i try to get her to talk to me. she just says she does not hate me. and just kinda wants to be alone. she has always been like that. i was like that. and i hated it when my parents badgered me about it. it drove me nuts. nuts i say. so i try to give her distance. i just hope i am not making the wrong choice. Lil'K has been a little crazy lately. whats new. nothing. i just keep waiting for that age. the one that she quits being nuts. ya know? it will never come. she is too much her mother. i will just have to deal.

there are gonna be big changes coming here soon. not to the blog of course. to me. my life. i will post more when i figure it all out. i have to do something different. for me. for the family.  for all of us. i can tell you it will start first and foremost after these surgeries getting into a better frame of mind. i hate being all hooberdooed. i need to enjoy things. i want to enjoy everything. this is it ya know. one life. thats it. and i hate to think i have spent most of it miserable. that would suck. and i do not think that is how it is meant to be spent. i need to make a mark. my mark. on the world. i just have not figured out what that mark is yet. so there will be changes.

blogging...ok. i love blogging. i think it is a great outlet. even if sometimes people really do not want to hear what you have to say. i think it is healing. i do not think there needs to be a 'format' and i think people who complain about what other people have to say is ridiculous. ya know what? SHUT UP! how about that. people can write what they want. now...if it is damaging. i.e. death, dismemberment, terroristic. ok i get that part. but just normal run of the mill this is how i feel stuff. who cares? does it hurt you? no. it is just someone elses opinion. and they deserve to be able to say it. i think the media getting all up in everyones blog business is just ...well ... and overstepping on their part. i will write what i wanna write. if it bothers you...there is a box with an X in it. use it. and as far as the media getting into everyones business. and facebook. and blogs. and live journals. and all of that... GET THE F OUT! sometimes these things are made public because of death. or they strike a chord with people. ok good. ya know what? be positive media. that is your job. to help us to see, hear, understand things that are going on. not to bash everyone. or everything. or be so damned negative all the time. i do not even watch t.v. anymore. i mean do not get me wrong, i log on and watch my shows. but the news has gotten so...mean. i get that the world is more viral. and there are bad things out there. i would challenge a news station to only cover positive events for one week. and i could almost bet their numbers would increase. because i do believe that humanity is getting sick of the depressing crap. i know i am. and i wish they would get off the bloggers. quit turning us into monsters. or people that start crap. if you wanna highlight something positive go for it. but if not find something else to do.

hmmmm what else?

OH blogher 10 is coming in a few short months. wow. i know. crazy huh.  the BFF and i are attending. it will be our first one. we are super excited. i am for sure. we have managed to get the tickets, flight, and hotel paid for. we only need our spending money and cab money and that kind of stuff. i mean, not only do we get to have a 'four day no kid just the two of us in new york meeting the bloggess talking and visiting and people that conversate (hushitup i know it is not a word) about things that matter and being around other adults with adult beverages and a huge comfy king bed and did i mention new york trip' but we will be learning stuff. and that will be awesome. did i mention meeting the bloggess? yeah. i know. awesome. i just hope she does not think i am a doucecanoe. that would suck. really. so yeah. we are getting more and more excited. we have registered for the after hours parties and are starting to plan out our clothes and what we want to do. there will also be a good showing from the Macaroni Kid group there. so that is awesome also. i am excited to meet a lot of those women. do you not know what it is? well ask me! i love it. (thank you to the BFF for our newsletter. she puts out a humdinger every week. and i am grateful she does.)

speaking of the BFF. and yeah. i will link her every time i mention her. so click on it. and go meet her. read some of her stuff. she is awesome. or mighty really. she is The Mighty One in our family. she is awesome. she keeps me alive. and happy. and sane. or as sane as i can be. i love her. and do not know what i would do without her. it is not very often that you find someone in life that compliments you. i found her. as an adult. i will have to post that story one day. we are totally different. yet we are 'one brain in two bodies'. matter of fact, i showed up at her house yesterday a.m. after waking up way too early, and low and behold, we were wearing the same thing. yep. we did. and we went to town like that. and the funny thing is that it was a color blue that we do not either wear often. i do not even know when the last time i had that color on. her either. it was funny. the sad thing was, we were in the store and a lesbian couple walked by and the 'buffer' of the two said to the other one 'oh well now that is ridiculous. they need to tone it down with the matching shirts' i thought it was hilarious. everyone things we are a couple. eh. whatever. we thought it was funny. we had a good day. we were both exhausted by the time we got home. but i managed to make it till 7 p.m. i know! i was impressed too.

anyways. i guess that is all that wants to come out for a bit. i may post again this afternoon. right now i have to run up to the high school and bring a class ring that Big'K and Big'R found up to the office. and then go visit  my great aunt. and hopefully spend a great evening with the girls.

so yeah. for now...my rant is over. i know you are all happy. please feel free to resume your normal lives.

yesterday we were driving in the car. i usually have the radio turned up and the windows turned down. Lil'K calls it rocking out. the weather has been great lately so we have been able to 'rock out' more. this is usually the best conversation time we have. there is no one around but us. and she feels free to chat.

yesterday she asked me, so innocently

"mom, what was i born to do?"

she was so serious. i asked her what she meant and she just repeated herself

"mom, what was i born TO DO?"

she was so serious. this little five year old who seems wise beyond her years was asking such a profound question. a question that i am sure many adults still ask themselves daily. i had no idea how to answer her. such innocence in her voice. but such a huge question.

of course, being the mom that i am, i played it off. ummm grow up? go to school? live? be a little sister? learn everyday? be my baby?

nope. she was not satisfied. and again asked the question

"MOM, what was i born to do??"

so much urgency. like time was running out. like she just HAD to have it figured out...ya know...before she was all old and time was up. and being the impatient child she is i told her i was not quite sure. she was disappointed. i always have answers. and she wanted to know why i could not answer her question. when i asked her to be a little more specific i got a deeper look into how her mind works. i told her i would think on it and let her know tomorrow. that satisfied her for the moment.

my daughters are two totally different people. so much like me but in two separate ways. let me explain a little.

Big'K. my shiny happy. the normal things do not bother her. bullying, picking on, being made fun of. that does not register with her. she does not understand. personal hygiene, eh well we are working on that one. smart as Einstein this one. she wants to be a forensic pathologist. or a medical examiner. yeah. since she was 9. who wants to be those at 9? hell who even knows what those are at 9? i did not. i wanted to be a veterinarian at that age. till i saw my horse go to one. and that was over. (another post for another time). but this one. she thinks so....logically. but common sense? a-HA. nope. none. i recently found out she falls. at school. ALL. THE. TIME. like at least once a week. i would have been mortified. in front of everyone. instant death for me. i would have been embarrassed to hell and back. her? nope. she laughs and just keeps going on about her business. she loves me but has a hard time showing emotion. she is in the 6th grade and has just started learning how to have friends and connect with her peers. she has breakdowns. and meltdowns. and forgets how to tie her shoes. the simple things baffle her. things that we do everyday are hard for her to grasp. carrying on a conversation is difficult. she talks. and tells stories. but forgets to engage the other person. when she hits on a subject she loves she is so passionate. when her little sister pisses her off she is ready to go into orbit. but will cry if i raise my voice at her. or give her a lecture. she acts out physically if she cannot handle her feelings. when they become too overwhelming. it is like her body just does not understand. and her primal instincts take over. her vocabulary is large. but her handwriting sucks. bad. i mean it is horrible. like PhD horrible. but i guess that is a good thing. her sense of humor is huge. but dry. she is so special. my big girl. i know what is wrong with her. i get it. i see it. but i do not care. i love her. but she is so different from her sister.

Lil'K is me. all. over. again. but worse. i know my mother is up there....looking down. laughing her ass off. and then crying with me. she has the temper i do now. in a little body. she thinks she hung the moon. partly my fault. has an attitude as big as texas. loves pink. does not take crap off of anybody. gives her sister a run for her money. has a take charge attitude. smart as a whip. common sense out the ying yang. type-A personality. take charge. i cannot wait until she starts school. i just really think it is going to make so much difference. she loves to learn. and she is a people person. she needs friends. she can be so helpful. and then the next minute throw herself on the floor in a tantrum. a mother of all tantrums. psychotic. (she gets it from her father. hushitup! lol.) she is such a thinker. a free thinker. like me. she will never be satisfied with her life. ever. like me. she is not scared of much. will take off running down the road. barefooted. to meet a stranger. yeah scary for me. i know. has no problem speaking her mind. hates her curly hair. she is the wisest five year old i have ever met. and funny too.

Lil'K's responses: like what i wanna do that i haven't been. it's when you are supposed to grow up and help someone. see. when you are a baby...you know what you are going to do. when you be a lady.

she then preceded to tell me what some of our family 'was born to do'. kids. people that have not grown up. and what she thinks they are going to become. she seemed to have it all figured out. this little five year old. it almost made me wonder if she had an inside track with Big G. does she know things? has she seen things? how is she so smart? why does she ponder so deeply? what makes her think of these things?

my children are so special. to me. and well sometimes short bus special too. but those moments come and go. they are resilient. they have seen tragedy. and heartache. and cut off electricity. and no water. they have seen me try my hardest to completely screw them up. and try even harder to make it right. our life is never normal. it is never uncomplicated. it is a hot mess. and that is honest. they have suffered through my weird work schedules. my rants. and raves. and smiles. and laughs. and craziness. my upturned world. and they still love me. and are so smart. and they make me so proud. but it makes me wonder....what was i born to do? i always feel like theres something larger i am supposed to be doing. like i am missing something. am i? am i just not seeing it? because i am never happy with life. thats what i get for being such a free-thinking-type-A-controlling-crazy-weird-happy-over thinking-over analyzing- constantly-questioning person. hey...at least i know where my faults are. most of them anyways.

so my Lil'K made me think. made me really take a step back and look at what is important to me. and my family. make me think if this is where i am supposed to be. what i was born to do. i am 34 and still not sure. and she is needing to already have it figured out.

this morning i asked her again what she meant by her question. her answer?

play miniature golf. 

apparently this whole thing stemmed from her obsession with miniature golf.

are you freaking kidding me???

see. overthinking. overanalyzing. awesome.




i love my kids. but they show me everyday how crazy i am. thanks. seriously.





i. am. crazy.

today i spent quite a bit of time on my computer. reading various blogs, catching up on my twitter, researching the upcoming BlogHer'10 that i am very excited about. in reading some of the older posts about conference newbie advice and past experiences at blogging conferences i ran across a common thread. loneliness. seclusion. not feeling part of the crowd. the thought, that with 1500 people around you, you still end up eating meals alone and finding yourself lonely, appalled me. that is ridiculous. i know women can be fickle and have cliques. i get it. we can be a catty bunch. and i know that a lot of us bloggers are way shyer in real life than we are on here. but to think that there were people sitting around, basically feeling lonely, in a room with that many other people makes me sick. i will tell you...if a crazy texas girl with her BFF in tow comes up to you saying 'hi! i'm LocoYaYa! how are you? whats your blog name? what do you blog about? how many kids do you have? have you seen The Bloggess (cause i HAVE to meet her)? you wanna sit with us?" do not be alarmed. it is just me and BusyMom. and we will be friendly. i promise.


then while i was on Twitter i saw something go by about 'getting an i love you message from your best friend can make all the difference in a day'. 


it got me to thinking...maybe today i will just tell people i love them. reach out. be the one that says hi. make the first move. so i composed a text. it simply read:


"i just wanted to tell you that i love you today. no reason. just cause."


and i sent it out to around two dozen people. not strangers. these are my people. cousins. friends. the BFF. family. just a collection of the ones i love. i do love these people. and i do not always tell them that. i am not an 'i love you' kinda person. ya know? it just does not come out of my mouth very often. i mean it. and i love people. i just do not always say it. i make sure to say it to my kiddos. but the big people? whatever. they know i love them. besides. why do i need to tell 'em all anyways. big people do not need to hear that. and i by no means wanna piss off the wives of some of my guy friends when they see they got an 'ILU' text. right? wrong. i was here first. they all know we are friends. who cares!! (kinda. not really. i would hate to get them in trouble. but i really was here first.) within three minutes i already had a handful of texts. and within an hour most had responded. that got me to thinking. why just send it to my closest. why not send it to all the people in my contacts that i am close to. old high school friends, people i work with and just adore, old friends and co-workers. and an amazing thing happened. there were a couple of "who is this?" responses but once i replied with my name they replied back. i got responses beyond what i thought i would get. from people i had not talked to in a while. a few phone calls even happened. it was amazing. it humbled me.


i was beside myself. amazed. so today...i challenge you...open your contacts and send out an 'i love you' text to your contacts. start with your nearest and dearest. and then see where it leads you. i love you are three of the most powerful words on earth. see what they open up for you. see what feelings come out of it. and let me know what happens.


go ahead. you could just make someones day.






 below is a list (no names included, except one.) of the responses i received back.


"well i love you too! for many reasons"

from the BFF "i love you too!! more than u know! um is something wrong??"

"love you too"

"thank you i love you too"

"oh honey i love you too. thats the best thing ive heard all day! i cant wait to see you and the girls in may"

"thats scary........am i gonna die or something? lol ok......i....uh.......love you too??.......lol"

"i luv you too old lady! sorry i missed ur day. tell everyone hi and i love them"

"aw thanks. love you too cuz!"

"aww love you too. thanks for thinking of me"

"love you too girl"

"who is this?" its me "ok just wanted to make sure some strange girl was not stalking me. lol. i got a new phone and dont have my numbers in it yet."

"aww. that made my day! love you too!!"

"thanks its been a shitty day."

"aww love you too"

"i luv u too. i needed that i have been kinda depressed lately. not sure why just been down. hope u r doin ok. i will be working in houston for the next few weeks"

"k" that was from a 13 yr old boy cousin. but hey...it was a response.

"thank you soooooooo much"

"thanks u too! did you get that job at *********?" six more texts followed.

"awww i love you too cuz!!"

"love you too"

"well i love you too and miss my girl! when can we do lunch! i need a good dose of you!" four more texts followed. arranging lunch. with someone i have not seen in over a year. awesome.

"thanks girl! i needed that! how are you? and i love you too!" two more texts followed. with a phone conversation and then a dozen more texts.

"i really needed that and i love you too!" four more texts followed.

"luv you too"

"i love you too happy late bday"

a call from this one. she doesnt know how to text. a 20 minute phone call resulted

"oh hey babe. love ya too!"

"well thank you"

"thank you so much. that made me feel real good :)"

"thanks luv u too"

"i love you too...miss you...and happy belated birthday"

"love you too hope you had a great birthday"

"ur too sweet! thanks for the love"

another phone call. "thanks! had to make sure it was you. how are you? no one tells me they love me but my mom. thanks. it meant a lot" and a 30 minute phone call resulted.


i reached out and made the day of so many people. just through a text. with three simple words. 


i and love and you.


try it. and lemme know how it works out for ya!! i guarantee you will make someones day, brighten a sad person, and maybe reconnect with someone long and lost. it was touching to see what sparked from that. my phone blew up for over four hours with texts. and my phone rang. conversations with people that i missed.


spread some love people!!!! spread some love!

Imagine this scenario: 

After packing up and moving your family over the holidays you load up your junior high student on a Friday and head to the local school district to get them signed in.  The school seems great.  They have all the top awards, the building is clean, administration is welcoming and kind.  The Principal sets off with you and your seventh grader in tow, touring all the classes and extracurricular programs.  The staff seems kind and other than a few strange looks from random kids as classes change, everything seems in order.  Your child is set to start school on Monday and you are just thankful you have the weekend to prepare.  Monday comes and goes by without a hitch.  You ask the normal 'parent questions' that afternoon.  How was your first day?  What classes do you have?  What did you eat for lunch?  How were the other kids?  You get the all too familiar nod from your preteen as they shuffle up to their room.  Maybe you even have one of those children that 'talk to you'.  You may get a run down of how horrible school food is, or how different the class size is from the last school, or maybe even a breakdown of who they met and what there names are.  For the most part everything seems to be going smooth.  Over the next couple of weeks or months you see your child happy.  Finally enjoying the new school and maybe even making friends.  There are good days and bad days.  That is to be expected.  Moving is hard on everyone.  There are new jobs, new friends, a new house, and new schools.  Being busy with your job, family, and life, you may or may not notice that your child is becoming a little withdrawn or sad.  It is not your fault.  We are a busy society.  You may notice a bit of depression or your child may have completely withdrawn into their own world.  You may ask a ton of questions...but you never seem to ask just the right questions.  The one question that will render an explanation to the mood change.  You continue on with life hoping that it is just a phase.  

Two weeks later you arrive home to see fire engines, ambulances, and the local police department.  

Your child is dead.  A victim of bullying.  

The real questions start.

When Bullying Becomes Deadly

This scenario is playing out more and more frequently these days.  Kids are being bullied at school to the point that death seems the only alternative they have left.  As a mother, this makes me sick.  Physically ill.  The thought that someone, specifically another child, could make a child so miserable that they would want to end their life is atrocious.  The fact that parents, when told that their child is bullying other children, refuse to believe that their child could do that is alarming.  It is unacceptable.  School should be a safe place.  It is an educational institution that instills knowledge and learning.  Not misery.  Do not get me wrong, even in my days, there were bullies.  In those days you told your parents, or you settled it with an old fashioned back schoolyard butt whooping.  Now I am not saying that was the correct way to handle it.  And I am in no means saying that violence is the answer. But that is what happened.  That is what happened and how things were handled.  You were not afraid to take up for yourself for fear of going to jail, or being shot.  Gone is a time where teachers can discipline as needed in school.  Everything has become so messed up, for the lack of a better term, all in the name of being politically correct.  Gone are the days when it was safe to walk home without fear of having something thrown at you from a moving car.

Gone are the days where school is a safe place.  

I was bullied one time in school.  I was the new kid.  I was shorter than most of the other kids and had a funny accent.  It was the third grade and a certain boy decided I was to be the punching bag for that year.  One day after he completely embarrassed me on the playground I decided I had put up with enough.  I walked up and punched him in the nose (kids did not carry guns and weapons to school back then.  We only had our fists.)  Was it the right thing to do?  Probably not.  I got in trouble in school and at home.  But I was never picked on again.  My brother, on the other hand, was bullied relentlessly as a child.  From grade school into high school.  I had to constantly stand up for him.  Even in college there were times that I had to go up to his high school and deal with guys and girls that were horrible to him.  It forever damaged him and turned him into a quiet, scared, shell of a boy.  There were times that sticking up for him made my life a nightmare.  By that time I was popular and never understood how he could have so many problems everyday.  It would have been so much easier to just let him get tormented than to bring the attention to myself.  But I stood my ground and protected him, and learned it was alright to speak up for other kids that were being mistreated.  I learned that if I told enough teachers that something would be done about those kids.  Even though the bullying was not happening to me it still shaped my life.  I saw my brother tortured and come home broken on many days.  Many afternoons crying in his room wishing to die.  I hated seeing him like that.  It was not right.  I risked my own hind end many a time to get up and move lunch tables as a Senior to sit with him his Freshman year.  It was a bold move but it worked.  The bullies were no where to be seen (or heard) if I was around.  Junior high and high school are just a small part of our lives but those years can shape who we become in a large way.

When I was growing up bullying was around.  Bullying has always been around.  It will never go away.  But it does not have to end in death or violence.  Death is not the only end result that bullying can lead to.  It can lead to dropping out of school, depression, damaged adulthood, therapy, and many other issues.  It can lead to many undesirable outcomes.  We can try to reach a point where it is decreased.  We can try to institute disciplinary measures to deal with the bullies.   We can try as parents to talk to our children more.  Just the simple question "Have you or your friends been picked on lately?" can go a long way.  I ask this of my 6th grader at least once a week.  She is open and knows that she can tell me if there are kids at school being mean to others.  Be sure that your children know how you feel about bullies.  Make them aware of what bullying is, and that they can tell their teachers, principals, or counselors.  And as always if that does not work be sure to tell someone else, anyone else...everyone else.  Be there for them and be open.  Be quiet and listen to what they have to say.  We are all busy.  In a world of two income families, single parents, and dual homes, it is easy to become too busy and forget that even though we have been there before, and already made it out of school that times are not what they were when it was our turn.  There are guns and violence in schools.  And unfortunately if you look at the root problem, over half the time it stems from or is a direct result of bullying.  Why are our teachers and leaders in these schools not seeing this?  Why are they not doing more?  Whether it is political or just our society, teachers are not able to do what they were able to do twenty years ago.  When we grew up school was a place of education and discipline.  You could be disrespectful at home and have no manners, but at school you said yes ma'am, please, and thank you.  Teachers did not think twice about throwing a chalk filled eraser at your head.  Or giving out licks.  In a time when parents can no longer discipline their own children in public for fear of being labeled an 'abuser', it is no wonder that teachers are fighting a lost battle.

Get up to your schools and make yourself known to the counselors and teachers.  No matter how many times you get rejected continue to talk to your preteens and teens.  And above all do not be in denial.  Bullies exist and bullying is prevalent.  With the introduction of technology into our lives we welcome bullies right into our living rooms and homes.  Keep an eye on any social sites your children visit.  Talk to your school board and let them know you have a problem with what is happening to our youth.  Talk to other parents.  Take the chance at church, town hall meetings, or the grocery store to touch base with parents of other children and see what is being said on their end.  Do not be afraid to call or go see the parent of a bully, even if that parent seems unapproachable.  Sometimes what could take five minutes can mean the end to something with a much longer lasting effect.  There are tons of online resources and information to read.  Print it out and leave it in your bathroom or in their rooms for reading.  Take an evening at dinner and read what bullying is and how they can protect themselves.  Teach them it is OK to stick up for other kids.  It is not tattling to inform a teacher if someone is having trouble.  It is also not OK for a teacher to do nothing about it.  If you are not seeing a result you would like to see, then make sure it is handled.  Speak with your principal, school board, administrator and make them aware of the situation.  Be proactive in your child's life and in the lives of other children.  

Education is important.  They deserve to not come home and kill themselves.  They deserve to not think they have to bring weapons to school to defend themselves.  

Children deserve to be able to go to school and not be in fear. 

The responsibility of a death, or destruction of a child, caused by bullying is not something you want to carry around for the rest of your life.  And it is certainly not what you want to grow up being known for.

Resources 

http://www.stopbullyingnow.com/resources.html

http://www.bullyinginschools.com

http://www.loveourchildrenusa.org

http://www.kidpower.org

*picture from here. 

today it is sunny.

a beautiful day.

the kind of beautiful day that beckons you to join the living and find your way outside.

the kind of day that when you are at work, all you can think about is getting outside.

the kind that when you are inside, all you can think about is getting outside.

a beautiful sunny day.

new flowers are starting to bloom.

the azalea bushes welcoming the new friends that bloom alongside it.

the bugs, birds, and butterflies take flight and catch the suns rays.

puppies are barking.

kids are playing.

the smell of fresh cut grass and newly spread mulch assault your senses.

cars look dirtier.

the grass looks greener.

the sky is so blue that nothing else compares to it.

the clouds are small and puffy. floating up high in the breeze.

trees sway and leaves sing in the wind.

today it is sunny.

my house is a mess. there is laundry in every room. you have trouble walking without tripping. the washer and dryer are still and quiet. like gravestones. the sink is full of soapy water and dishes that need washing. the television is off. the remote is nowhere to be found.

outside you can hear the radio. blaring the latest new song. there is a bucket with soapy water and old dish rags. the garden hose is strung across the driveway. the car is clean. shiny. and the windows wiped down. the green pollen that dulled its paint floating all around in small pools of sudsy water.

the front lawn and street side are mowed. the driveway too. except that one spot the car always seems to be in. only now evident because of the previous bath it received. the neighbor even profited from the day. his ditch and street side mowed right along with mine. the sun was out. and the mower just would not quit going. and even when it sighed to a quiet slumber the gas can, although another yard away, just did not seem so far.

the coral tree that was chopped down to just four long arms reaching up to the sky is sprouting new growth. before the old lopped off limbs were even removed. those limbs now resting in a tangle mess of thorns and finger like branches. waiting for fire. and a less breezy day. silently saying their thanks for a wind much too strong for the red hot flames that will turn it to ash.

the fence line grasses shimmer in the light with fresh sprayed poison. its foul smell no match for the breath of spring. the brush and thistles standing tall and proud. almost unaware of the doom that is coming. enjoying the day even as the grim reaper calls their names.

the air conditioner is off. quiet. no humming allowed. save the birds and bees. the doors are open and curtains dance their windy dance. windows held down with years of paint and dust creak open. the screens howling. whistling. moving in and out as if breathing. the house is renewed. sun splashes the carpet and counters. the smell of mint oil brings the old house to life. the renewed energy making the inside almost inviting. but there is work to be done. inside. and today...is not an inside day.



today it is sunny.

...and deeper in debt. isn't that how the song goes??

Sixteen Tons

yeah that's it.


on saturday i will hit 34. well enough over 30 that it starts to hurt, but well enough under 40 that the hill is only visible. but still far enough away to ignore for the time being. certain ages bother people. and then other ages are looked at with joy. being 6 and heading to kindergarten is a giant step for children, but a sad one for mothers. my baby just turned five. so kindergarten is biting at her heels. my oldest will be 13 this fall. so the teen years are biting at my nerves. turning 16 is the start of driving. and higher insurance premiums. 18 tends to make younger folk think they are grown, and sends mixed feelings with parents. they are ready to fly the coop. it can be sad, frustrating, and overwhelming. but then again, they are ready to fly the coop. it can be full of joy, the unknown, and happiness. they are out of your house and ready to start their lives. 21 brings adulthood, drinking, and decision making for the individual. responsibility sets in and it can be stressful. but knowing that you are really by this point no longer under the long arm of parental law can be exhilarating. the 20's are supposed to be the best time of your life. you will learn later that in some ways it is. and in other ways it is not.

hitting 25. the midpoint to 30. you are almost there but not quite. in my family, and mind, you are not truly grown until you hit 30. hell, chances are you are still sitting at the kids table for thanksgiving until this point. unless you have kiddos of your own. then 29. the forever age. the age that once you are over it, you keep reliving. the last year before you are 'old'. the age where being a child truly stops. and adulthood rares back and slaps you in your face. ahhhhh adulthood. the joy, pain, trials, tribulations, and the horror. OH THE HORROR!!!! not really. but it is coming. by 30 your carefree life is behind you. and being an adult is on the forefront. you have bills, a job, carnote, mortgage of some kind, and most likely kids. this is the 'regret' phase. the point where you start thinking about what you should have done. and also what you should not have done. you have your friends. both the ones from childhood and new ones from work and life. 30 bothers a lot of people. it seems as if leaving your childhood behind is painful. whether you are upset about growing up and never getting those days back, reminiscing on the oldie but goodie days, sad about the responsibilities you have that no one warned you about, or just plain feeling old physically, the big 3-0 seems to be painful. for me, 30 was great. i was a grown up. i had already been feeling the responsibility bug bites. i had been a single mother for almost a decade and had just rejoined it for the second time with a new baby. 30 was great. the older people do not look at you like a complete boob. you have joined the work force in a higher capacity by this time and are doing things. the regrets were there, and the wishing i had done things differently. but i think that comes with life. 30 did not scare me. at all. i have friends that it devastated. but me...i was good.

the early 30's were really just a blur. whether it was the new baby, the physical shortcomings that i was experiencing, or the fact that three surgeries happened in three years. but they were a blur allthesame.

36. that is an age i think will bother me. for some reason it was supposed to be 'the' age. the age that i had accomplished all my things. ya know....the things. i would look my best, feel my best, love my job, and finally had gotten time for myself. enjoying my life more. happy with where i am. just an in general great year. i am not there yet. so time will tell. i am keeping it in the back of my mind and trying to make sure i stay on track. because shortly after that...40. the big one. the hill. i know those same friends that had panic attacks over 30 will just about die at this one. 40 does not bother me. i welcome it. it brings wisdom. and grownupness. my kids will be 19 and 11. i will have one in college and one almost in junior high. they will be to a point that i can enjoy things. my friends. my life. 40 does not scare me.

42. a number that does not mean much. but to me...it means quite a bit. 42 will scare me. it was the last full year (of age) that my mom lived through. she died when she was 43. four months from being 44. so hitting that age will scare me. because what comes after it, i had no motherly advice for. she never made it there.


then theres 50. half a decade. it really does not seem too scary. some say your life is half over. but really, how many people live to be 100? and if getting grey is the reason people get scared...well i already am. so that is over and done with. 50 is nifty. 60 i do not think will bother me either. by this point i should have grandchildren. and hopefully a freaking happy marriage. enjoying my life. and i do hope to be retiring soon by this point. but who knows. but fear? i believe by this point that part is gone. i think fear is what you have when you do not know what is coming. and well, we all know what 60 leads to...70, 80, 90. so that fear is gone. and really the only thing unknown by that point is death. and death does not scare me.

by this point it is just a number. and truly so long as i can look back on my life and be happy ... i do not care what my age is.

for right now...it is just 34. and although i had no expectations for it...it seems to be sneaking up on me. 36 is close, and well 30 seems so far away. i am getting older and my kids are growing up. i look back and realize that i am not the kid anymore. and the people that seemed so 'old' when i was younger are starting to disappear. i think about the fact that they were my age. and now...they are just so...old. or gone. and i do not think i am ready for that. i want to be a kid again. is it possible to have mid-life crisis in your 30's? i cannot afford the sportscar by any means. and there is no reason to get a 'newer' model of man. i do not have the old one yet. hehe.

age is such a funny thing. it affects everyone differently. each person will have their hangups. each person will have their fears. it will be different for everyone. a year that you thought would bother you becomes nothing, and a year you were happy to see come will devastate even the strongest of the strong. right now...34. yeck. i thought it would not bother me...but 34 seems to be sneaky. technically i will be at work when i turn 34. but tonight is the get together. nothing fantabulous. just a small party with my nearest and dearest friends and family. we will sit and visit. and eat sushi. enjoy each others company. talk about when we were younger. the stupid things we did. the great memories we made. i still have most of my same friends. the same ones from the beginning of my life in most cases. so we will have lots to talk about. as we always do. we will laugh. and i am sure cry...either from laughing too hard or from a great memory. but there will be tears i am sure. but more laughs. WAY more laughs.

and really ... that is what matters the most no matter what the age. being able to laugh with your friends. know that you all made it this far...and have many years ahead of you to figure out together. know that if this age bothers you, there are at least half a dozen great people sitting around you who are ok with it. they will get you through it. they will be there. laugh and cry with you. eat cake and sushi, fumble with chopsticks, drink a little too much Sake. and have your back.


no matter how old they think you are.








what age bothered you? what age were you excited to be?

per dictionary.com the definition of homophone: