yeah. i went there.

you know you remember that song. you know you are singing it in your head. go ahead. admit it.


**picture from here.

conjunction junction what's your function...

i digress....

so this evening i am in hellmart trying to get a few things. (oh all their danskin stuff is on sale) and the BFF calls. in the convo the whole 'you know Big'R's function is tonight' gets thrown out there. to say the least BFF is not on her game right now. not feeling well and such. so i offer to just drive the five midgets and us out there. yea know. being the bestest asstastic friend there is. (haha)

the whole way home thinking oh jeez. what? you know school functions are not always the best.

so we get back, stuff unloaded, seven of us crammed into the trusty KIA Rondo and head out to the school. the ride was full of the usual 'i am hot' 'i am fweezing' 'i don wanna sit by huuur' dialog. we get there and get Big'R dropped of and go in and sit in the cafeteria. we get the usual run down from the teacher that you can tell is just a bit frazzled. either from coordinating the function or just because she has to deal with 5th graders all day. and we are turned loose to enjoy. at this point all you can think is help me Big G i have four kids to walk around with and there are elevendybazillion people here. please let me keep it together and not have to kill anyone. i am pretty sure if i do my kid will so NOT be the cool one. and half a minute into it a realization comes over me...totally unexpected...this is kinda neat. holdthephonepeople!! this is a school function. they are not supposed to be fun, or neat, or cool. but it really was.

the whole deal was about famous americans. so each student (costume and all) was dressed up as someone viewed as influential in america. everyone from Dona Marina to Mia Hamm was there. it was neat. the kids had a memorized spheel to say when you dropped a quarter (dollar, or whatever money you preferred) into their container. the outfits were amazing, the props were awesome, and the kids were fabulous! i have to say i totally enjoyed the experience. and it brightened my heart a bit to think that kids were still having to learn the same boring things we had to. overall it was a great little ditty.

i will include that halfway through i may or may not have lost my five year old. justsaying. oh hush it! it was a safe environment with tons of people that i know/knew. i did get a tiny bit of a start in my heart though. i do kinda like her ya know.

yeah. me too.

shock and awe people. shock and awe.

Big'R did a great job. and i am proud of her. she seemed to actually enjoy it not just grit her teeth and get through it. all of the kids did actually. a few were scared. and would get lost in their spheel's. but hey that would be a bit disarming to me too. so kuddos to the kiddos!! and good job Big'R...your YaYa is uber proud.

**ok this is a serious one guys. although i usually end up laughing about anything serious. so dont get offended or upset. just lettin ya know.

when was the last time you had lunch with death? you just sat there eating, talking about the weather, what you did last night, and enjoying your Caesar salad. sometimes what is worse than having lunch with death ... is having lunch with death disguised as a person who looked normal.


at one point in our lives we will have known either from a distance or, unfortunately, very intimately, someone who is sick. i do not mean someone with a cold or the flu. i mean someone that is really sick. cancer, HIV, lymphoma, AIDS, leukemia (and many others) ... death. some of these diseases can be sly. undercover. they can sit there looking at you, even long after you know it is there. almost waiting. to see if you forget so it can remind you. and those are the worst. there is no cure. no fix. no way to stop the pain or the illness. and the end is the same. a dirt nap. a worm bath. six foot under. sleepin' with the fishes. giving up the ghost. meeting your maker. (i can go on and on. really. i am awesome like that. i know. it rocks.)

no matter how hard you try, or fight, or cry, eventually (save the very lucky ones) it will get you. now those people that are lucky. that find the fix. or the cure. or Big G love it, cry it out of themselves. those are the lucky ones. i do not necessarily think they did anything different. i do not think they were better people. or took the right meds. they were just lucky. Big G had another plan for them. and no matter how hard we try with science...Big G and death win over us. i see it everyday that i work. i see people come in to the E.R. and not walk out. people from all corners of life. the bad ones and the good ones. but this is not a come to Big G talk. it is just simply a girl having lunch with death.

i have seen my fair share of if in my life. my BFF and i have made the comment many times 'i feel like i was born at a funeral'. i have attended so many and been around so many people while they were dying and during death that it has become a normal part of my life. you can think that it is sad. but for me, seeing someone that has made it to adulthood and not felt loss is sad. it is a hard emotion to learn. i feel it is learned better over time with often occurrences than all at once as an adult. so be it. it is what it is. and i am very familiar with it. i feel you never really learn to handle life until you have walked with death. it is primal. and scary. and hard. and sacred. you find out things you never knew before, about that person...about yourself.



today i had lunch with my brother. he looked like Grisly Adams. something i am NOT accustomed to. he had a full beard. mountain man. it was weird. but he looked great. he looked fine. like a normal 30-something. soon to be 31-something. but you see...the kicker...the knock the breath our of you is ... he is sick. like really sick. it will only be time until he is not here. there is only so much medicine. and so many OI's. and so many days. and there are no more lunches. it does not help that i maybe get to see him one to three times a year. every once in a while we will bring up something important. beneficiaries, a will, him moving in once he gets too sick to work. but mostly it is just the weather and what we did last night. what sucked so much this time, is lately he has looked sick. the last few times i have seen him he has been haggard. gaunt in the face. tired. sad. at this moment ... even though he is sicker than he has been in the past. he looked fine. and that is what is hard. i was sitting there, celebrating Lil'K's 5th birthday, looking at him. and knowing that although he is seeing this one. and has seen the last four of hers and the last 12 of Big'K's, there will be a point where he will not get to see anymore. am i confident in science? yes. do i know in my heart we will eventually find a cure to these horrible diseases? yes. do i think it will be in time to save my brother? no. no i do not. not in my lifetime. and maybe not in Lil'K's either. but we can hope can we not? so what do i do? i cry sometimes. like now. like today. off and on. like a crazy person off their meds. i get mad. i get angry. as if i have not lost enough in my life. as if the ones that i needed the most have not disappeared and left me here. as if death does not shake his finger at me with each new tumor that shows up in me. stupid ass death. dumb dumb death. i have words for death. and eventually he will hear them. i get all pissy and then i put on my fat girl panties and deal with it. i do not want to waste the time i have sulking. and having a pity party. i am not good at those. they usually turn out in a pile of ants. (another story for another time)

so today...i sat there with death. and ate my Caesar salad, talked about the weather, what we did last night, and celebrated my 5 year olds birthday. i touched him as much as i could, hugged him as much as my space issues would allow, and silently said a little prayer for more time.

when the day ended and i dropped him off so he could hit the hay and get up and head back home tomorrow, i told him i loved him and i would see him later. we laughed about the day. he threw something from his car through my window narrowly missing my eye. we laughed again about fun and games...and well you know how the adage goes. and i made sure to stare. to pull in every little detail of him. so that i can see him in my mind. because today? today death looked good. and i was happy for that.

today was good. and hard. but good. and i enjoyed it. i enjoyed the hours i spent driving. and the stupid salad. i enjoyed the cheesy wait people singing Happy Birthday and not caring that Lil'Bro and i were singing louder and my dad's face was flush with embarrassment. i enjoyed that today my mind would let me remember parts of my childhood that we laughed about. i enjoyed that it was a little too windy and my tires were out of balance. i enjoyed the $100 i pulled out of my account to give to him, knowing i would be paying for that one later. i just...enjoyed. it was a good day. and death...he can kiss my ass today. i will pay him tomorrow. but not today.


i will get up in a minute, grab me an adult beverage, hope it does not interact with the sleepy meds i took,  send off a toast to Lil'Bro, blow him a kiss, wipe a tear away and get over it.


if for no other reason than he is my little brother. i am the older, stronger one. and he does not need to see all that blubbering and such. i am horribly ugly when i cry. and who needs all that.

ok. i know i have not finished up with my chicago posts. meh. i will get there. eventually.

right now i need to take care of some business. it seems that i have gotten some awards lately courtesy of my BFF. so...if i can i am going to try to get those handed out. so here we go...





I received this award from my BFF. She is awesome. And I am not just saying that. She is. She is my hero for many reasons. One being cause she gave me an award! Hehe just kidding. First, some rules...


In order to recieve this award I must do the following and you the same if you choose too
1) Put the logo within my blog or on my post
2) Pass the award onto 12 fellow bloggers
3) Link the nominees within my post
4) Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5) Share the love and link to the person whom you received this award from.


Here are the 12 people I am passing this award on to. In no particular order of course. Some of these are smaller blogs like mine and some are crazy large. These are just people I like to read. So go check them out.

1.  Ali over at H&AH. She is crazy. She makes me laugh.
2.  Sarah at Stroller Ballet.
3.  I found Meeko through Supah. He. is. hysterical.
4.  Gavin who writes about Asperger's. I have a 12 year old who is Aspie.
5.  Such a sweet blog. Tami.
6.  Joe. Always interesting.
7.  This guy made me spit coke out my nose.
8.  Just an army wife and just a mother.
9.  Love me some SueBob.
10.  Carrie. Adorable.
11.  Crystal over at Autism's B*tch.
12.  AmyAnne. LOVE it! Duct tape rocks!!

Ok. So now I gotta go comment on everyone. Gonna open another BudLite and see how the commenting goes. Enjoy these blogs.


Ok for the next order of business. I also received another award from BFF Steph. This one is so special to me because of what it means. Below is the write up and description of what it is and what it means. So keep reading and enjoy!






What is a Stiletto Award???


There are thousands of blogs, and there are hundreds of awards. The Stiletto Award is a little different than most!



1.  Candace. She's big time. But I just love her. Strong single mommy. Who I am sure could SO rock a pair of stiletto's.
2.  Jamee. Strong. Survivor.
3.  Jane over here. I would love to meet this mommy!
4.  Alyssa. Expecting her princess soon!
5.  The insanity of being a mom. Check it out!!


Ok. There we go. I just handed out my blogging love. Let's see what happens. I really need to make me and the BFF some blog buttons. And I have been trying. Just cannot seem to get in it and get it done. I really want a cute cartoon-y one like the 'big bloggers' have. I am going to have to work on that.

In other news I just now found out that one of the 'loves of my life' is planning on getting married. *sigh* really? That is the icing on my sh!t cake.

Right now I am watching My Life As Liz on MTV. I love this show. I think we need to have a My Life As YaYa. It would be awesome. And funny. Hysterical actually.  Ok. I handed out my awards and now I am going to comment on them and go pee. Thank you BudLite.