so things are things. and apparently as if we do not have enough on our plates every. single. day. i decided to lose my mind and run for city council.

slow down. it is not that large of a city. around 1100 give or take. so not that big of a deal. lately our little town has been in turmoil. i guess it is part of small town charm. every decade or so there is an 'issue' of sorts. right now it happens to be an apartment complex. you see, our little town is quite rural. a farming town in it's beginning. most of the farmers have stopped farming and their families no longer carried on the tradition. we do still have some that farm, but nowhere near the numbers from when i was growing up. some did well and sold out and their children and grandchildren are living well. others got out because it was becoming a financial burden. topped with younger generations who were tired of the day in day out of the farm and wanting more for their children.

there are a lot of 'original' families and 'old money'. 'outsiders' is actually a word still used. unfortunately so is 'south of the tracks'. it is just an old little community. there are not a lot of housing options. unless your family owns land or you get lucky enough to snatch some up, which happens few and far between. however, the school district is a good one, and people want to live in our area. a local resident whose husband was born and raised here, is mayor. and they have just sold some of their land to a developer. this developer is going to put in an 80 unit complex. this has made the city mad. really mad.

so there are four new candidates running for three districts and the mayor position. and yours truly decided to run for one of those districts. it has taken me so long to write this post that i can now tell you i won. i am looking forward to it. i think. i know it will be rewarding but it is also going to be a pain. but i am locked in for two years now. so we will see how this goes.

in other news. my house is clean for mother's day!! haha! that was what i told the girls i wanted. a clean house. now please keep in mind that my house is not finished yet. still lacking a few walls on the interior to separate a couple rooms. and the master bath is not completed. but for the most part right now it's clean. if you wanna visit hurry! because in a few days the clean will turn back to clutter i am sure.

Big'K is nearing the end of her junior year. and back home from the college program. she decided to return to regular high school. senior year full steam ahead and with a bugger of a schedule. we shall see where this leads.

Lil'K is somewhat stable. although we do have plans to readmit once school is over for some medicine adjustment. we will see if that happens.

for the most part just being. that's what we are doing. just being.

well i have stumbled back into the blogging world. i get busy in life and find that it has been too long since i have visited. and i miss it. so i find myself here again.

we have internet! yay!! who would have thought something so dumb could make one so happy. maybe with the addition of being able to access the interworldnetwebs i will make appearances more often. meh. i will try.

things are things. my new normal is strange. and i do not always care for it. things feel misplaced. and lost. but it is what it is. i have made that statement so many times over the last couple of decades. and it is true. but i am beginning to dislike that phrase. quite a bit.

Lil'K is back in the hospital. it saddens me that we have to do that. at nine years old she has been in a mental institution of one caliber or another at least 6 times. i wonder if it will always be like this? and if it is...will we survive it. while walking down the hallway after leaving her in the care of her unit i said to the nurse that i did not know if it was good or bad but that admitting her was getting easier. it was no longer accompanied by a sob fest in the car. we did cry together in the assessment room. she had a rough time. begging and pleading. tearing the room up. trying to escape. running into the door. bargaining to not have to stay. but when that wave was over and her mood had returned to normal she agreed that it was the best place for her. because no matter how much she hated it, it did help. i can honestly say that the state of care surrounding mental illness in this country is a joke. and sad. and it frustrates me. and angers me.

Big'K is back from college. i believe the Asperger's got the best of her. she decided to return to a normal setting and wait until it was the right time to head to college. i am disappointed that it did not work out, but not disappointed in her or her decision. she has said that if college does not work out the second time that she is considering the military. this is the first time she has ever come close to even mentioning or accepting the military as an option. i am not sure how i feel. but we will have to see how it all works out.

other than that the house is coming along. slowly. the yellow house still sits in front of The Tin Beast. but hopefully this will be the year it gets torn down and hauled off. i hate seeing it sit there. reminding all of us of the fire.

well my friends, i do hope today finds you well. and hopefully it will not be too long until i fall into here again...

I have so many good blog posts. words pouring from my head. beautiful words elegantly strung together. almost melodically. but by the time I sit down in front of the computer they are gone. just a heap of mismatched phrases that are just a skeleton of the masterpiece that had unfolded earlier.

my head is always blogging. constantly banging out stories and recalling small pieces of our life. meant to be placed here. but then they are gone. this is the part about writing that I hate. if I were more diligent I would record them as they come to me. but I am not always in a position where I can. and I have actually tried this a few times. but by the time I was sitting down listening to myself and typing the words out it just felt so fake. and creepy. so I am left with these beautiful words twisting around in my head. and no one will ever hear them. and I know it is not as if I have something monumental and life changing to say that anyone particularly needs to hear. I would just like to get the words out.

one day I will get the hang of it I guess. I am disappointed that I don't blog more. even if no one ever read my blog I would still want to do it. I have always enjoyed writing. getting things out of my head are always better than leaving them in there. it helps my sanity. which is in short supply these days. not having internet at the house does not help. it leaves me with having to blog from work or make a special trip into town to hit up free wifi. yes. I said into town. because I live in the country. and our café is only open till 3:00 in the afternoon. don't judge.

while I am here let us talk about mid life crisis. I feel that I have had a few of them. as strange as that sounds. points in my life where I just don't understand where I am and why I am not where I want to be; points where I am angry at circumstances, most out of my control; moments in time where my internal hater is in overdrive; sadness over what I should have done and regrets from the past. I have tried to refer to them as mid life acceptances. because really in my house it seems like crisis is a constant state. and to me it is more about just accepting where you are. I feel as if I am at that point again. I am nearing 40. I do not have a degree and I am not certified so continuing in what I have been doing off and on since 1997 is no longer becoming a choice. but then that leaves me with just experience on the other things I have been doing since the age of 16. as they say I am a jack of all trades and master of none. and it is frustrating. Lil'K and all of her issues are making it hard for me to work and make enough money to afford things. like a car. and food. having Big'K in college (a post I keep meaning to write) and no longer home has me depending on neighbors in the after school hours to watch Lil'K so I can work. I teeter back and forth between wanting to go back to school and wanting to get an RV and just leave. being responsible and just hanging in there and paying things off or just saying screw the pooch and let the car go back. I have waves of anger that a house fire can completely financially destroy you as well as why must everything be so hard for me. always. I will pass through. I always do. but wow. then I just do the human - why am I here and certainly there must be something else I am supposed to be doing because life certainly cannot be this shitty and then just boom it's over. right?