sometimes i forget that i miss a song. you see my life is music. i can hear a song and tell you where i was. how old i was. who i was hanging with. what mood i was in. my life has a soundtrack. so maybe music is my life? either way, music has shaped me. and i forget how many songs i know. and love. until i hear it. on the radio, on pandora, on facebook, on youtube...or in my head. that random song that can make a tear fall or a laugh bust through. that song that makes me hug a kid, call someone or remember those that have past. today will be full of songs. today is a good day. i felt a glimpse of the old me. when i woke up at 5 and did not lay back down. i made a pot of coffee and enjoyed it in the silence of the morning. while the moon was still up. greeting me with her bright face. telling me today was a good day. good friday to be exact. so far....great friday. i feel a tinge. the old me. the one that could handle a day. that could manage a smile that was not forced. sing along and bounce around to music. sweet beautiful music. filling the house and overflowing outside. the doors wide open. the A/C off. fans whirring. the blender roaring. making me think of summer. but glad the heat is not here yet. then a song. another one. that makes me jump around until i am out of breathe and laughing until tears fall. my kids smiling, knowing that the 'old' mom is back. Lil'K not remembering this mom. just hearing of her. catching a stolen glimpse. Big'K giving a random hug. because she remembers. that is the only mom she knew until the baby brought the dreaded PPD. but today, that mom is here. and out. i love these days. it reminds me that i am still here. that i can come back. that there are good days. and those days are worth holding on for. then a song. one that reminds me of one that is gone. one that i loved. that i miss. that in the end was not mine. then seeing a gesture or an expression on a face that reminds me part of them is still here. alive and walking around. because everything gone is not always gone. it is simply not here. right now. the sweet taste of fruit and honey in my drink makes me smile. good memories. then a song. one that reminds me of my friends. the ones i have met as an adult. mostly my mighty BFF. the one that keeps me together inside. that loves my kids as her own. that holds my hand in ant piles, picks me up out of the shower, and dances in the kitchen with me when cooking. then a song. one that reminds me of marching in black boots that break my feet. carrying green sacks on my back, and a black weapon in my hands. matching in some weird fashion way. keeping time with our feet while our mouths bark out rhymes. meant to inspire. encourage. rebuild. reshape. rethink. those friends. that become like family. the ones you can talk to a decade later and never miss a beat. that beat. in your head always. then a song. that reminds me i am a mother. a sister. a friend. a lover (although not recently). a daughter. a cousin. i am so many things. have been so many things. then a song that makes me remember i have three dozen eggs to dye. dishes in the sink. laundry spinning in the washer. tumbling in the dryer. a bank account short on money. meds to give. kids to hug. a life to live. even when it is not all sunshine and rainbows. storms cause rainbows. you just have to weather them to get there.
then a song...
that reminds me today is a happy day.
and i will take it.